Lovely Strange Life

Lifescape - the future's landscape

2012-01-31T19:01:00.000-08:00

This week I have accomplished a major goal for my life in Korea: I finally earned my black belt in taekwondo. I want to analyze more deeply in another post about what this means to me, but I was also thinking about my larger goals in Life... now that this main reason for coming to Korea is complete, what do I want to do next?

Moving to Japan is high on my list... I keep looking at Dave's ESL cafe's job postings...

So~ I was browsing a job board looking from jobs in Japan when I saw this :

http://www.eslcafe.com/joblist/index.cgi?read=24979

http://www.sfusd.edu/en/employment/certificated-careers/teaching-careers/certification-pathways.html

http://www.ctc.ca.gov/credentials/leaflets/cl622.pdf

It's a job posting for bilingual teachers in SF.

I think about it and I would feel proud to be serving the SF community... I have no small amount of pride to declare that I'm from such a city as San Francisco, so I feel like it would be a worthy duty to work there again...

It got me thinking about what you asked me before... the "Me in Five years" or maybe my "Bucket List" (things to accomplish before I kick the bucket)

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Here's my list:

- work as a costume designer for film/TV/plays

-draw my fantasy comic and get it published

-draw concept art for video games/ film / TV

-translate anime Japanese ---> English

-translate English to Korean or English

-Event producer for Fanime/ Anime Expo (anime conventions) like work with the special guests or help with logistics

- cosplay/ perform on stage at Tokyo game show

-study Kung Fu or other martial arts in a beautiful surrounding (like a remote temple in China or Taiwan)

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That's why I think are my true hearts desires..... sure, I could be happy working as a teacher back in the US... but not for 3 or 5 years... I don't think I'm ready to move back and if I get my MA it would be to move into a job in the US, I think... because to get an MA, that would be a 1 to 2 year time commitment so if I move to the US for study, it would be better to think about moving back to "settle down"... at this point, it seems that way.... though life changes so much, it's hard to tell what the picture of my lifescape will look like in even 2 years.... Isn't it enough to think "I want to move to Japan, travel Japan, study Japanese, get my credential in translating Japanese to English and do something more with that later. " ?

Just a thought...

Calm Before the Storm

2011-09-27T07:54:00.000-07:00

These last 2 weeks have been pretty awesome. Despite the fact that I was near broke because I hadn't received my first pay check yet, there was still a lot of frugal good times to be had in expensive Seoul.
First of all, please excuse the previous blog post. Some readers were confused, but actually these days Donghee and I get along quite well. We've joined the Korean couple trend and placed a locket on the fence around Seoul Tower - and he threw away the key~ I occasionally climb up Namsan (more of a hill than a "mountain") to check on it :)

Scenically placed, it reads "Claire and Donghee: Soul Entwined"

About two weeks ago, Korea also celebrated it's version of Thanksgiving, known as "Chuseok." For most Koreans, this holiday is marked with traveling to visit extended family, getting stuck in horrible, 9 hours-for-100 km traffic jams, and stuffing your face with delicious food. When most people around you are talking about meeting family, or other English teachers are flying off for tropical adventures, it can make poor, broke Claire a tad homesick and angsty... but I never let life do that to me (>u<)

I prefer sitting on my couch than the on the highway, so I took 2 out of 3 and threw a party at my house. Dear friends are my surrogate family, and they kindly covered the cost of food ingredients. I was much happier to fill my belly with Jason's hearty chili and my family's nostalgic recipe for cranberry apple oatmeal crumble instead of kimchi pancakes or songpyeon (white-bean filled rice cakes). Donghee even snuck out of his filial obligations to join the festivities. Another friend Adrian brought some creative card games that helped to change up the usual flow of parties. All in all, it was an enjoyable evening.

Girl in the plastic bubble! Seriously, it's harder than it looks to stand up

This past weekend was also eventfully busy but interesting. Summer and Winter must have signed a temporary seize-fire agreement and given administrative weather control over to Autumn since it hasn't rained in over 3 weeks and the days are clear, dry, bright, and warm- perfect for picnics. A few weeks ago, I feel like I didn't have a broad, concrete social base in Korea (good friends keep leaving and moving away...) so I decided to join more meetup.com groups again. This time was Lost in Seoul group picnic in the spacious and forested Children's Grand Park. Chris came, everyone shared their food, and rode the midget roller coaster. It was a good time.

My awesome Arirang Taekwondo Club - I just got my red belt~! Black belt in December~!!! Fighting~!!

Despite all these good times, I am anxious... tomorrow is the day that I will get the result of my interview for the job in Kobe, Japan. This job is the best opportunity to work in Japan earning a comfortable salary for few teaching hours in an area of Japan I want to live. However, I'm not sure if I'll be ready to leave Seoul and Korea... if I get the job, I'll have 4 months to prepare but I still sense many things yet completed- annual events and festivals to attend, mountains to climb, cosplays to complete, tkdo skills to improve... I feel like my life is like the roller coaster I rode on Saturday. I'm painfully, slowly creeping up the apex of accomplishment. But as I climb higher, I can see there is a loop-de-loop just up ahead. The anxiety builds- will I be able to hold on to my precious skills/memories/relationships? Or will they go flying out of my hands in the overturning chaos of change? I'm prepared for the answer of "no, you didn't get the job"- that would almost be more reasurring. At least I wouldn't have to worry or fear about losing something. But wasn't it in the Alchemist this kind of situation was described?? People work so hard to achieve their dream and just before it comes true, they abandon it because they are afraid of the transformative change it will ignite?
God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Amen.

Boys and boyfriends

2011-09-07T06:34:00.000-07:00

Oct. 2010 - a goodbye dinner for Lukas with Chris

If you get married, do you have to stop seeing your guy friends? This is a question I've pondered on many an occasion, specially since arriving in Korea. I'm an open, independent person who grew up as a tomboy between two brothers. I always felt like I got along better with guys than women, probably because of my interests in video games, so I've naturally gravitated towards making friends with guys. Even though I had a boyfriend, spending time with my many guy friends has never been an issue.

When I moved to Seoul, I noticed something a bit different about the relationships between men and women; with the exception of young children or close relatives, adult Korean men and women hardly ever mingle socially. Girls and women tend to form closer friendships with other women. (Korean women can often be seen walking around hand-in-hand or arms-linked.) Even if a women has a close, childhood guy friend, she will rarely meet him after she marries and would NEVER meet him unaccompanied.

From books I've read and conversations with Korean friends and co-workers, I've learned that unlike other Asian countries, Korea is significantly influenced by Confucianism. "Confucians taught that a virtuous woman was supposed to uphold “three subordinations”: be subordinate to her father before marriage, to her husband after marriage, and to her son after her husband died." (Wikipedia) It seems that Confucians also supported separation of the sexes - separate housing for female and male servants at the royal palaces, separate school facilities, and the general formation of friendships.

I've seen this trend among my young Korean friends. I frequently to go on hiking trips through meetup.com, but my boyfriend Donghee rarely has the time/money to come with me. When I've met Korean guys on the trips, they often exclaim, "Oh, why isn't your boyfriend with you?" Does this mean Koreans have an expectation that a guy should always accompany his girl or she should spend all her free-time with him?

I enjoy a large social network comprised of men, women, guys and gays. I enjoy the uncommon diversity of people. I want to enjoy my life's most significant relationship along with my friendships, ideally allowing them to merge. I would feel suffocated if I confined my socializing to only one or two people. I want to share my friends with my boyfriend, and I want him to share his friends with me. I believe sharing our friends can add depth to our relationship. But to Donghee and other Korean friends I've asked, people usually don't introduce their girlfriend or boyfriend to casual acquaintances. One time I called him and asked "Who are you hanging out with?" and he's nonchalantly replied, "Oh, it's all people you don't know." I asked, "So, why don't you introduce me to them next time so I can know them?" He told me, "Why should you know them? There isn't any real reason for them to know you..." Does anyone really need a reason to be introduced to another person?

There is also the issue of spending time with other men, even if you have a boyfriend. As I said before, I never really considered this an "issue" until my first Korean ex-boyfriend (another guy before I met Donghee) expressed displeasure when I spent time with other guys one-on-one without him. Well, to me they were good friends, not dating possibilities. I began to think that Korean men can get easily jealous and possessive...

When I started dating Donghee, I was careful to explain to him that I've always had a lot of guy friends and even one of my best friends in Korea is a guy (shout out to you Chris :) Donghee is a somewhat traditional-thinking but relatively easy-going guy, so it didn't seem to be an issue.

However... since last week, many people Donghee knows (like his college friends, his internet friends, and even his boss at his part-time job) started telling him that it's not "proper" for me to be hanging out with other guys with out him. He called me to talk about this and I was annoyed at their statements' lack of logic and highly surprised at Donghee's sudden tendency to agree. Besides, who are they to comment on our relationship???

I extended this topic to the conversation I had tonight during a sidewalk BBQ with my downstairs neighbors, a middle aged Korean couple . (They like me because I eat kimchi and try to speak Korean. A REASON TO TRY TO LEARN KOREAN, all you long-term ex-pats!!!! >:D ) They have a daughter who is about my age, and she's already married with a 9-month old baby. I asked them how would they feel if their daughter started meeting other guys for something like language exchange, how would they feel? The father replied that he would warn his daughter to be cautious or even dissuade her from meeting him. He agreed, it's specially not "proper" for a married women to maintain close friendships with another guy.

To me, friendship is gender-blind. There is no reason why men and women can't have platonic relationships with each other. Problems only arise if one person's spouse lacks trust in the other and becomes jealous or suspicious.

...Am I naive to think in this way?

Thanks for reading this long post. Comments are GREATLY appreciated.

Good Impressions

2011-08-25T03:45:00.001-07:00

Today was the first day at my new job. I'm starting on my THIRD year-long contract here in Seoul, and - to follow the cliche - third time is definitely the charm.

In my first year in Korea at Moondeok Elementary, I just barely got my feet wet - I struggled with language barriers, culture and work culture differences, and finding my social niche. At the beginning of my teaching I thought I had to be perfect; since I'm a native speaker, I should be an authority on the language, right? Nope, totally wrong... I learned a bit too late when it's right to admit that you're wrong. Though I made mistakes, I don't regret the past - I learn from it. Looking back, I think I'm a lot wiser from those mistakes. Within a year, I had learned to read and speak some Korean, explored the countryside, and formed life-changing, significant relationships ( namely my boyfriend Donghee :)

In my second year on the job at Eunhye Elementary, I learned the value of a co-teacher - simply because I didn't have one~! I taught 28 hours a week, without anyone else in the class. I wanted full autonomy in the classroom? Well, I got it, and let me tell you, it tastes bitter.

And now... round 3, batter up! This time up to the plate is.... Sacred Heart Middle School! Comparing to my previous schools, this school and teaching situation seems much better, even from the surface-level observations of first-day. The location is within 2 km of my house. I can take one bus that runs from the front of my house to close to the school. My office is my new renovated classroom, and there is a nice lounge for the English teachers adjacent to my classroom. I have four co-teachers who all speak English well. Students in the 2nd and 3rd years are divided into ability levels. The top class is "Justice" followed by "Patience", "Love", and "Peace" at the bottom. Students seemed active and attentive (except for maybe the 3 year low level Peace class). Overall, a very positive first impression.

I'm also determined to make a good impression at this school. I know the meaning of work and the value of a paycheck (specially now when I've been unemployed for 6 weeks). I came to Korea to work, so that's what I should do - will the full strength of my mind, heart, and Seoul - er, soul

;)

Catching Up

2011-08-24T00:06:00.000-07:00

Even though this year of 2011 is just a little more than half-way over, a lot has happened the last few months...

The early months of January to March were spent shivering bitterly in the unforgiving Korean winter cold. I also restarted Korean classes after a 6 month hiatus, this time at Sookmyeong Women's University. The classes were Mon/Wed/Fri from 7-9 and I was commuting from far northern Seoul so the schedule was very tight. I remember I didn't really have any time to complete the homework and I was often tired/ lazy on Friday nights, so I occasionally skipped class. I decided to put more effort into studying Korean than attending Taekwondo class, so I kinda stopped going regularly... A lot of good friends also left, and other good friends came back. I agree with the Buddhist idea of life as a wheel.

Just like the Korean weather, when things heat up, it does so with a furious intensity. April, May, and June seemed to have rushed by, I can barely recall what transpired... also, my hard drive crashed in June, so I lost A LOT of photos, haha.... I guess when you take many pictures, you tend not to remember the actual event... maybe it's a disease of our modern era...?

Anyways, in March I bought a bike and a sewing machine, determined to make tons of cosplays and circumvent Seoul via cycle. (Both goals have yet to be throughly accomplished, due cosplay funds being diverted to traveling money and the crappy Korean weather preventing much biking). I also was introduced to a few new friends in about April, so it has added more depth to my life in Seoul. However, they don't live in the same neighborhood, so we can only hang out on weekends.

Hmm, what else? Oh I'm still cosplaying. I recently completed Julia from Tekken cosplay to compliment my boyfriend's Mokujin cosplay. I'm still active in cosplay and I'm dying to get started on a new project... any excuse to romp around Dongdaemun :)

Also, my mother came to visit me in Korea. I think this was the turning point of my life in Korea. I have grown used to many aspects of everyday life in Korea. For example, how to use the subway or how to read Korean letters. When my Mom came, I realized Seoul can be confusing to a new arrival. I had to take care of my Mom almost as if I was the mother and she was the daughter! Maybe this was a foreshadowing of the future when she becomes really old and invalid...? I don't know.... but I do know I'm really glad she came to visit. So few people really understand the scope of my life, and I'm glad to know my mom can relate to some of the important people who now populate my life. It's comforting to have someone understand you and your life situations. I appreciate my family and my mother, but I would prefer to have a few more close friends who understood me and cared about me in the same way....

As for late June and July.... insane craziness. My job piled up the workload and shortening the deadlines. I was determined to finish my contract with a good recommendation, so I chose to work overtime to meet their deadlines. Did I get any thanks? F*ck no. As a slap in the face, they decided to get rid of me early so they wouldn't have to pay my severance. That school was even threatening not to pay my regular salary if I didn't finish all this documents (30 worksheets for their summer camp) by a ridiculous deadline of 3 days. That job was really stressful so in the end I'm glad I didn't have work their silly summer camp.

So what do you do when you in a crazy stressful job situation? ESCAPE TO PARADISE~~! I made the most of my 2 week vacation in July and travel to Sri Lanka and Malaysia. I didn't really get a good chance to research my trip ahead of time, so I landed in the country without any idea of what to do or where to go... luckily, I was traveling to Sri Lanka to see my college friend Charlene, so I could depend on her heavily to plan my one week visit. I had many unforgettable experiences in Sri Lanka, like visiting ancient ruins, following the footsteps of Indiana Jones in the highland tea fields, and exploring the Temple of Buddha's Tooth. More than that, I got to spend quality time and reconnect with a dear friend.

I went to Malaysia with much the same idea in mind - to visit friends and hopefully travel with them. In the back of my mind, my image of Malaysia was a tropical paradise. Visions of relaxing on white sand beaches and jungle trekking floated in the back of my mind. However, this time around, those vision apparently were not to become reality. I didn't know that Kuala Lumpar is quite far from quality beach hang outs and jungle trekking requires 3 to 5 days. Not only did I not allow enough time, but I arrived in the wrong part of Malaysia. *sigh*... I did have a time seeing other college friends in Kuala Lumpar, so that part I don't regret. I will make sure the next time I take a trip, I will research it throughly and try to go along with someone - travelling alone just isn't my cup of tea.

So after nearly 6 weeks of being off work (yay, finally a summer vacation~!!!) , tomorrow will be the first day of a new job. I don't know the details, but I'm very lucky that it's close to my house. Also, I have an interview for ANOTHER job, this time in Kobe Japan that starts April 2011. I feel like the winds of change are just about to blow.... A new school, a new co-teacher, a fresh start... and slowly approaching a closing to my current life in Korea. Even more than that, to be moving back to Japan, this time with my boyfriend Donghee....

I want to maintain my perspective so I can make sure my life will flow in the direction of my choosing.

Realizations

2010-06-28T23:18:00.001-07:00

~Originally written July 2010~

I've often thought to myself, "Why am I here i Korea? What am I aiming at creating by being here?" Even though nearly a year has past me by, these thoughts still come to me. Even though my life in Korea is excellently enjoyable, events that have occurred in my life here have simply fallen in my lap. I have not really been the instigator of change in my life.

I was riding home on the subway, thinking about these kinds of thinks and thinking of past desires, the former vision of my future - becoming an English teacher in Japan, marrying my Japanese boyfriend, having Japanese-American kids- and suddenly it struck me. "This is the Claire without Japan."

There was a time about 4 years ago, when somebody asked me "What is the Claire without Japan?" At that time, I made my passion for Japan my everything. My entire self-identity was endlessly entwined with my love of Japan. I sincerely and honestly believed that I needed to change myself, subdue my passionate personality for a boy to love me. I sincerely and honestly believed that I needed to emulate a culture and a people to be loved by them.

In my year in Japan, I realized the ugly truth - the ideal I'd subscribed to was not "me" and as much as I loved Japanese culture, trying to be Japanese was not being "me".

I think at that time (probably from when I was in DVC at 18 to at SFSU at 22 years old) I was acting as "me" but the things I thought I wanted for myself (a Japanese boyfriend, the search for self-affirmation from people I barely knew and who barely knew me) was misguided. I wanted to impress others with a special skill they could not easily attain. I wanted to set myself apart from others by making the unusual choice to reach outside of my comfort zone .

...even now, I made the choice to come to a new country with a difficult language and radically different cultural rules and norms. Though I've managed to adapt and learned to speak a good deal of Korean, the transition has not been easy.

But... I have obtained that niche I have always sought. I am a fluent English speaker with skills in Japanese and even Korean. The important thing is that I now realize the parts that are "me"... and that as my life changes, I will continue to change. For the better, I hope.

Korean Bus Drivers do WHAT?!?!

2010-04-17T06:28:00.000-07:00

It was normal commute to work on Thursday morning - the crowded stuffy bus, the driver taking off like he was at the F1 after each stop and overtaking other slower buses, the gridlocked traffic, and the LOOOONG traffic light 200 meters before my stop. But as we pulled up to the notorious light, the driver did something I never would have expected... in the middle of major thoroughfare , he opened the door, hopped out of the bus with it's engine still running, stood in front and proceeded to light up a cigarette!

My jaw dropped to the ground. I turned to the Korean lady sitting next to me and she was also looking out at the bus driver, though rather disinterestedly. I couldn't communicate my shock into Korean, so I simply pointed outside with a expression of shock on my face. She simply shrugged as if to say "It happens all the time." How can behavior so irresponsible be regarded as average and ordinary???

I walked into worked and retold my tale of the morning's episode to my Korean co-teacher Jaemin. She barely batted an eyelash, shrugging it off much like the Korean lady on the bus. "How can you take this kind of thing so casually?!" I exclaimed. "It's really dangerous for a driver to get of the bus in the middle of the road, not to mention he's in the middle of working and he's suddenly taking a break for a smoke!" Jaemin looked up at me nonchalantly. "Bus drivers' have a kind of special privilege. Their job is very stressful, so nobody really bothers to consider this kind of thing worth noticing. Plus, they know how long the light is, so they'll get back on the bus in time." I couldn't believe everyone seemed to consider this kind of dangerous irresponsibility to be excusable. Is everyone above the law if they find the right excuse? Maybe this was an isolated incident....

I was to be proven wrong. On my way home and at the same light except on the opposite side of the street, what does the bus driver do but open the door and hop off the bus for a smoke!! This can't just be a coincidence... Below is photographic evidence. The first pic is from the morning and the other 3 are from the afternoon, showing the obviously empty driver seat.

Blog readers, what do you think? Is this practice common in other countries? Have you ever heard of this happening in America or Japan?

Fan, Friend, or Interpreter? (Part 1)

2010-03-31T09:20:00.000-07:00

Three or four weeks ago, I had a rare Wednesday night-out in nightclub-town Hongdae with my Korean friend Seolak to see a live of a Korean band called Achtung. Neither of us knew of the band , but the music was smooth and upbeat acoustic indie rock and the concert (with a totally packed house) was pretty energetic. The lead singer even spoke and sing a decent amount of English. I liked it enough to buy a CD and I listened to it on my Ipod pretty frequently.

About two weeks later I was back in Hongdae on a Friday with another group of friends, Lukas from Czech and Wiyen from Malaysian. We were searching the labyrinth of Gold Bar I, Gold Bar III, and Ho Bar I to VI for some dance club, when Lukas paused to read a sign. “Hey, they have some German band playing at this club. Hmmm, I've never heard of Achtung...” I stopped dead in my tracks. In blind excitement I dragged everyone inside. The show was almost over, but the audience of kept calling for encores. I added my own shouts in English and it was enough to attract the lead singer Cho Seung-Yup's attention. “Hey, I know you...”, he called out. “And I know you!” I replied. He strummed his guitar and absentmindedly crooned out a tune. “I know you... you know me...”, till suddenly he seemed to realize he was still on stage and apologized to his audience, drawing giggles from Korean girls. While he continued into the next song, my heart melted in my chest like hot butter– he'd just serenaded me!!!

After he got off the stage and came round the bar, I approached him and told him how much I deeply enjoyed his music. I asked him if I could buy his second album and... could I buy him a drink? (Yes, this is the first time I have ever bought a drink for a man.)
I had a fairly good time chatting with him about music, his influences, and his inspirations... turns out Seung-Yup knows many of my favorite bands like Counting Crows and he's a big fan of U2. I think it's very rare to meet a musician who doesn't mind socializing with audience members after a show... too many artists seem to want to keep some distance. But we all had a good enough that midnight came and went, we left the first club and changed locales in search of food and coffee, and it's was 3am before anyone mentioned about going home. Though my friends and I considered crashing at a jimjilbang (a public bathhouse with a communal resting space – not for a good night's sleep by any means) Seung-Yup offered to spare us the trouble and give us a ride home in his car! Driving through Seoul in the early dawn hours along the Han River Highway, with none of the usual traffic other than a few rouge taxi drivers, Czechoslovakian Lukas singing along to Bollywood parodies of Christmas songs, sitting in the car of my new favorite band's lead singer- this is a memory which will be forever imprinted into my mind. Life is strange and beautiful.

After dropping Lukas off, Seung-Yup and I chatted a bit and I told him I want to try and become a singer. I sung him my best version of Cowboy Bebop's “Real Folk Blues” and he seemed appreciative, saying (perhaps half-jokingly) that I could possibly sing for Achtung. We exchanged phone numbers and he promised to call me about meeting up again.

Well... tonight was that meeting....
...and I'm too tired tonight, so the story will continue tomorrow (^^;;)

Darker SIde of Teaching in Korea

2010-03-30T23:20:00.000-07:00

I was surfing ELT forums looking for lesson ideas when I discovered this post. The topic was about renewing for another year:

I have a sweet job that I am leaving in a boys middle school and my wife has the same in another boys middle school. Comes complete with a very nice two bedroom apartment for which we pay NO utilities.
EPIK, or anyone, can have it. We are done with the xenaphobia, hate, racism, and irresponsibility of a culture that cannot grow up and make it to the twentieth century, let alone the twenty first.
We are going to Myanmar to work in an international school for half the pay, we are at the top of the EPIK pay scale, but way more job satisfaction and a much better quality of life.
Put it this way, five years here, a school that loves me, the head of the local POE told them to do anything to keep me, yet I did not even get a raise when I renewed, even to the mythical EPIK 1+ scale, not even brought up, utter dreck.
Trust me, there are many who feel as we do and many more who are leaving. As long as Korea remains mired in the Confusian culture that treats non-Koreans as second class citizens with no rights, who are vilified in the press and on the news, and have no respect for laws, contracts, and just plain common courtesy people will be leaving the country and jobs will be open.
As long as Korea requires nothing more than a B.A. (how stupid is that) to teach their children, they will suffer the dubious distinction of being 191st in the world on TOEIC scores, with a population that cannot innovate, think critically, and communicate effectivly in the English.
To put it bluntly, the Korean public school system is losing two teachers, with over ten years experience between them, teaching creds., and CELTAs becuase they treat us like cattle.
If you want to come here, please do, its a nice life for a while, but when the real Korea shows through, as it eventually will, the boredom, hate, and stupidity will reach in and grab you and you will wonder why you ever got off the plane at Incheon.
http://forums.eslcafe.com/korea/viewtopic.php?t=180417

I've heard all this from other sources and from my own experiences too. My co-worker refers to anyone who is not Korean as a foreigner and often asks me questions that begin like "Do other foreigners also do _______?" Unlike this man, I don't have such larges amount of credentials or experience but I do feel how the administration doesn't take my complains or requests very seriously.

These days I'm thinking more seriously about how long I want to stay here. And at the very least, I'm glad I'm not Korean so I have the option of leaving.

Blurring Gender Lines

2010-03-21T04:33:00.000-07:00

What is to be handsome? What is makes a man a man? It may not be common knowledge that the ideals of "manliness" do not hold true for all countries. In Seoul, I've spotted quite a few examples of men behaving in ways that men back home wouldn't be caught dead doing.

Take Evidence #1: Pink Cellphone

This lovely shade of princess pink is not a color an average American Joe Smith would likely choose. I will continue to investigate further as to why pink is not a taboo color for men.

Evidence #2: Make-overs at Manskin Men's Beauty Shop

This isn't for a photo shoot or a television appearance. This is taken at a shop entirely devoted to men's skin health and beauty. And from some of the smiles he gave the camera, he seems to be enjoying it....

American men, pay attention~!!! You too can powder you nose a bit and cover up your unsightly pimples!

Evidence #3: Male Manicure

This was shocking even to my Korean friends. A Korean couple are getting a manicure TOGETHER. Korean couples have a very strong "togetherness" factor. They tend to cling to each other like 2012 is tomorrow. My guess is that she talked him into buffing up his nails.

Conclusion:

Concern for a man's beauty is more of a health consideration and has nothing to do with being "feminine". Overall, Koreans seem to place great value on health and hygiene so there isn't anything "gay" about caring for your health.

The pink cellphone though... that's just way out there.

Peace~

Claire

Rare Connections

2010-02-09T05:48:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday I joined a regular meet up with a social club Climbing in Korea for a trip down to Taebak Mountain area for the widely publicized snow festival. Though the city sponsored event was depressingly below expectations (all the snow had melted and refrozen into treacherous ice, they charged fees for attractions on top of an entrance fee, it was more crowded than a Tokyo subway at rush hour), I did get to meet and talk with some new people. If you're a hardworking Korean with an average 10 hour work day and 6 day work week (and no overtime pay), an active social life is difficult to create and maintain. Rather than meet your friends for dinner and drinks every day after work like many Seoulites, I prefer hiking and sports groups as a way to break away for the stuffy, boxy office buildings and remember what nature looks like.

On the Saturday trip to Taebak Mountain, I ended up talking to my neighbor John on the bus, a forty-somethings British guy teaching business English at an academy offered by the British Council. Unlike the average “Native Speaking English Teacher” in Korea, (a fresh grad with almost no life experience, a resident of North America, tall, white, fair skin and eyes because Korean employers prefer a “foreign” non-Asian appearance), John is a former high school teacher and very knowledgeable about literature. Not since I finished my Intro to Science Fiction class and graduated in May, I haven't had an intelligent conversation about literature. Most Koreans don't read storybooks to study English; they memorize grammar rules and word lists to prepare for SAT, TOIEC, and a shitload of English aptitude tests. They judge their achievement by test scores, which rarely ever accurately measure their communicative ability. Competition for educations and jobs is fierce in Korea, and tests scores are unfortunately highly valued for measuring aptitude for everything.

I chatted on and off with John my bus buddy about our favorite books and the different required texts for UK and USA. They read a lot of Shakespeare 1984 but not A Brave New World, Lord of the Flies, or Catcher in the Rye. I talk a bit to my neighbors to the left and behind me too. The conservative seeming guy in his 30s named Kim Sihyung turned out to have one of the most interesting job descriptions I've heard to date: Crash Test Technician for Hyundai Motors. Wow... I mean, wow..... how cool is that?? I asked him if he likes to drive. He replied he dreads to drive in Seoul, a city famous for it's reckless drivers.

I'd introduced myself to Chong Hee, a 20ish Korean girl sitting behind me on the bus, but our conversation had been shorter than a matchstick with a spark which seemed to die as quickly. But near the end of the bus ride on the return trip home, she was collecting contact info from Sihyung and others in the rip and she asked for mine as well. I reluctantly replied that I'd give it to here if she was actually going to contact me someday. Though I knew it would be rude I wanted to be honest so I told her this truth of mine. I've had too many people, Koreans and Japanese, who want to “make a foreigner friend” to practice English, ie use me for free English lessons with a flimsy promise of language exchange. She was a little taken aback by my rather harsh response, but she promise to contact me so we ended up exchanging phone numbers.

When I asked Chong-Hee where she lived I was in for a shock; turns out she lives in the apartment complex adjacent to my school, Moondeok Elementary – the same school she used to attend as an elementary student 10 years ago!!! Talk about coincidences! The chance connection was enough to convince me she was someone worth knowing.

Fast forward to Thursday; I responded to a polite mail from Chong-Hee had sent (Hello, it was nice to met! Let's keep touch!!) and met her for coffee after work. What do you know, our was of connection grew exponentially! She chose to study medicine so she could easily get a green card and go to the US, a lot like more own mother. She studied abroad in SoCal and has visited SF and Tokyo. She even studying English at the same language school where I'm studying Korea!

More important for me, she turned out to be a really strong willed and actively engaging person, though characteristically polite by defering to give me a direct opinion on any topic.

Most remarkable moment in hanging out was the chance to offer insight in the difficulties of cultural miscommunications and their affect on developing relations between Asians and Westerners.. Chong-Hee told me it was difficult to become close with forienger friends because they often never replied to her mails. It's a common practice in Korea (and Japan) after meeting or spending time together with a friend to send a polite mail to thank them for the good time. I told her many Americans would read that mail and say “Oh that's nice, but what does she want from me...?” Without a clear plan to meet or a reason to meet each other, the initial connection dies fast. Koreans and Japanese almost always offer a name or business card as a polite formality of self-introductions.

Also interesting was a moment when my boyfriend Gi-Hyun called me while I was talking to Chong-Hee. We talked for a bit and he asked to speak to my new friend. When I hung up, I asked her what he'd said. “He asked me to take care of you.” This was very strange to my ears at first and I responded with annoyance. Take care...?? I'm an adult, why should anyone take care of me? But I remembered this is Asia and co-dependence upon each other, mutual interdependence, is key to developing close relationships. If you always do everything on you own, without following the group, you can never be close to anyone in Korea.

I explained these conflicts of American values of self-reliance and individualism against Korean values of interdepence and collectivism to Chong-Hee she was throughly shocked. She'd lived in the US for a year, but she said she felt now she didn't know America at all, vowing to studying American culture.

No, I replied. Dont study it, Korean style. Don't buy a book and memorize a list of facts and dates. Live it, experience it, know it, and you'll LEARN and KNOW.

O Adventurous Year of Being 23

2009-12-27T06:28:00.000-08:00

To some people a birthday is just another day to hang out with friends. My birthday, however is at the very end of the year, so this is always a time for me to reflect on the past year's happenings and events.So how ways my past year of being 23?

I think my year was winding river, with many twists and turns in the direction of the flow. I started the year very unsure about what would happen or what I really wanted; I would graduate but I wasn't settled about what job I wanted or what I could even get. I wasn't sure about my future with Japan and the JET program. My group of friends had shift a lot in the past year and I was spending time with totally different groups of people in a city still unfamiliar to me.And then the biggest twist of all, I am now in Seoul, living a life I never would have expected (nor do I have much I can expect, and delightfully so).

But honestly, I think this year of uncertainty has been on of adventure. It has been a chance to see the paths I have walked and make a choice to change course. I deeply believe life is not about "finding yourself" but about MAKING YOURSELF. I feel blessed to have experienced some challenges and been given the strength to make the choice for a path of uncertainty and adventure.

To see the friends and significant people who came together to share my birthday with me was a kind of self-affirmation, a second unexpected twist, Today I spent the morning with my boyfriend Gi-Hyun (if you don't know, yes I met a nice Korean guy. yes, I think Korean guys are more affectionate than Japanese guys, but that's a topic for another diary :) and then went to a cafe in Gangnam station area to meet up with some friends for a small party.

As I was sitting in the cafe, waiting for my friends and Gi-Hyun to show, the brown-grey wintry clouds unleashed their baggage - it began to snow! It was just like the song "Walking in a winter wonderland~~ ..." The normally dirty black streets were suddenly transform in a blanket of white, like powdered sugar on a dark fudge brownie. A snowy birthday, how perfect!

But most importantly....

my friends finally gathered, a cake was brought, candles were lit,

the most wonderful birthday song was sung to me, in English and Korean. As I sat there for a moment thinking of my birthday wish, I looked

at the faces of new friends who surrounded me.

Crazy-fun-talkative-ball of energy Wiyen from Malaysia, cool-laid-back Lukas from Czech, my improv acting friend Meghan from Canada, the ever-jesting Kyung-Uk and sweet Taeun from Korea, and my namja-chingu (boyfriend in Korean), Gi-Hyun. I feel blessed to have only lived in this country for 4 months, but I already feel I know 5 people who really care about me.

As it says on my the birthday card my mom sent me, "It's all about the Journey... and the friends you make along the way."

There will always be a good time. But a good time is always better when shared with caring friends. Thank you to my new and dear friends who made this day very enjoyable.

"Hallelujah~!" - Handel's Messiah in Seoul

2009-12-19T08:06:00.000-08:00

I just come back from a performance of Handel's Messiah at the historic Chung-dong First Methodist Church, in City Hall Station in Seoul. I have to say, they were pretty fantastic and throughly enjoyable. I feel a bit strange that I can enjoy classical music this much, as I really hated it when I was younger.

A clip of "Rejoice Greatly" with the awesome soprano Myung-Sung Han

I used to get really bored and wonder why they were shouting to such loud noise. But after months of my ears swimming in a audio sea of sugary-sweet, "oily" K-pop, I guess the familiarity of this music is comforting to me. My mom played this music a lot at holiday dinner parties, and "Hallelujah" is used in many American films. Also, when I sit back and take in the enormous amount of time and effort the musicians and the choir must have put in to pull this off, I begin to feel that this is not a performance but rather a gift. I think of my old roommate Allison's scholarship award speech that the actor's performance was a gift of sacrifice. Bathed in the waterfalls of sweet soprano voice, I feel the hard work that they have put in. For less than $10 I got to see a professional grade, heart-moving and goosebumps-inducing full on choir and orchestra.

See what people are capable of creating. Isn't humankind fascinating?

Transitions: Part 1 – Work Life

2009-12-18T08:15:00.001-08:00

The wind whistles outside my window, once warm and caressing, now cold and biting. It has yet to snow, but most mornings I awake to a pale, overcast sky. The full, shady trees and low, lumpy mountains which shouldered my neighborhood have long ago traded their deep green luster for crisp autumn orange and red; even that has fallen away to the dull, sullen winter hues of stark barren brown.

From late summer to full winter, the seasons of my life here has moved from that uncertain, fluid period of transition called Autumn. More than three months of life in Seoul have already passed me by, faster than I could keep up with recording the immense amount of exciting changes which have occurred. Settling into my new job, new friends in unlikely places, mountains and challenges surmounted, and new perspectives gained

Rather resume my chronicles from where I left of the last time in Japan, I believe it would be more fitting to answer the question which appears most frequently on my Facebook wall: “So, how’s life in Korea? What are you doing these days?” Here’s the longer answer which won’t fit in the 400 character limit of a wall post. :)

When I arrived in Korea, I had literal NO IDEA what my situation would be like. Would I teach 3rd grade absolute beginners or high school seniors? Where in Seoul would I be living and working? After a 10 day questionably helpful and thoroughly mind-numbing and tedious orientation at the National Institute of Education in Hyehwa (northern Seoul), I was told what my teaching situation would be - on the day my school representative and co-teacher Shin Phoebe-teacher came to pick me up. (I’ve quickly learned, the Korean education administration is not known for tremendous advance planning and proactive forethought).

I am working for the Seoul Metropolitian Office of Education (SMOE) in Moondeok Elementary School in Moonjeong, the southeast most corner of Seoul. I am currently teaching the 5th and 6th grades. There are 6 classes in each grade and about 30 students in each class, so that gives me about 360 students.

(So with 360 students, do I remember all my student’s names? I think do pretty well, averaging about 40%. Names like Elle, Jiwoo, and Mina aren’t too hard but names like Young-ha, Ha-Young, Woo-Sung, and Sun-Won often give me a lot of trouble remembering who is who. Some students have English names, but I tend to use their Korean name, since their homeroom teachers don’t know I’m talking about when I ask them about Tom. Students also tend to chose similar names, since they don’t know many English names. In my 6-3 class, two students’ English name is both Grace so they asked me to call them Grace 1 and Grace 2, getting very annoyed when I forgot the number or mixed them up. I eventually gave up, since I prefer Minna and Na-Young anyways.)

I consider myself lucky with my working conditions; I’m contracted to teach a minimum of 22 hours per week, but with my schedule I get an extra two hours of overtime (a nice bit of pocket money for weekend nights out). At first the 5 classes per day schedule was pretty exhausting; I teach from 9-12, get a one hour lunch break , and then one more 40 minute class. By October, I think I got pretty settled into my routine, and it isn’t so tiring anymore. After I’m done teaching, in the afternoon… “lesson planning” (aka desk warming… I’m trying very hard to get over my facebook addiction >_< ). Many other private English academy teachers have to teach 30 hours week, and don’t get paid to lesson plan.

Of course with ever job there are parts you love and part you hate and desperately want to change. I’d say the best parts of my job are the people I get to work with and around. No, not my co-workers, but the students themselves. They delight me, they amuse me, they all too often frustrate the hell out of me with their low English communicative ability, but it’s all worth it when I walk down the halls to lunch and students run to the door as they catch a glimpse of me, give an excited wave and yell, “Hello~ Miss Claire-teacher!!” Every student is trained to greet all teachers with a respectful “Angyoung-haseyo” , but I think I can easily claim the title of most popular teacher, because the Korean teachers give homework and I give high-fives :)

This is my "English Village" classroom, where I live part time. nice and spacey eh? I'd say I'm too busy to use 85% of the materials though...

From December 2009 - thanksgiving and christmastime

Some of my students who made me Christmas cards. Bomi to my left is a awesome student, a bit soft-spoken but really engaged in learning English.

From December 2009 - thanksgiving and christmastime

This is my most memorable student, "HeeHee" Joo Young-Ha. First day of class, I asked him to stand and tell me his name. "Teacher~! Me is HeeHee!" I wasn't sure I'd heard him correctly so asked him why. "Becauzu, HeeHee name funny!" Yes, he is bundle of mysterious ADHD energy. He's a bit camera shy here, but his face lights up like a lightbulb when, on occasion, he understands what I've asked him to do and knows the answer.

From December 2009 - thanksgiving and christmastime

First day of snow at my school a week ago. I ran outside with the rest of the kids, marveling in the dazzling fall of frosty, white fluff.

From December 2009 - thanksgiving and christmastime

A view of the "playground" from the top floor of the school building. Notice a lack of play equipment?

From December 2009 - thanksgiving and christmastime

(From left) Easily my favorite class, this is Michael the clown, Moongyung the English prodigy, and Sang-Chul the shy tiger cub (because of his hair style) I think Moongyung will grow-up to be Minster of Foreign Affairs, and Michael will be a sports newscaster. My favorite Michael one-liner about why I could go back to SF for the break "Because Teacher said the chicken is too expensive!" ahh, the old, "chicken/ticket/kitchen" mix-up. To Koreans, those /t/ and /ch/ and /ki/ sounds are the same.

From December 2009 - thanksgiving and christmastime

So why high-fives in a culture where respect and distance are expected between teacher and student? Where hugs and intimate contact with the students is a cultural rarity?
I’ve figured out that Native Speaking English teachers like myself are hired more for the “foreign presence” and prestige we lend to our schools, and less for our teaching abilities. In other words, many Korean teachers don’t take us seriously. I’m think I’m mostly respected for my work since dramatic “stage presence” keeps the students entertained. So I’ve pretty much committed myself to never taking myself too seriously. I think my job isn’t really about helping low level students to suddenly ascertain English skills, simply by being in my proximity (as I suspect my principal believes), but rather to be a friendly, international English-speaking presence and help they overcome the “us and them mentality” (“I’m no English, I’m Korean.” Ie, I’m Korean so I naturally can’t speak English).

I’d say that the other best and worst are my co-teachers. My I share my classes with a Korean co-teacher, the 5th grade with Yoon-teacher and the 6th grade with Shin Phoebe-teacher. Phoebe is a life saver, incredibly organized and often thinking ahead, a thoroughly appreciated rarity in a sea of disorganized education administration. She speaks near native English and we work really well as a team, usually tag-team teaching. Yoon-teacher is an utterly different story; she’s older, about 60 and our lack of communication often approaches headache-inducing levels. She’s actually a long term substitute who’s never taught English before this. She’s not very patient with listening to me, often seemingly assuming she understood me. Our combined lack of experience in leading a class through a proper English lesson has made my job incredibly frustrating. I didn’t know how to co-teacher with her for the longest time; she’s older than me, but she’s always buying me drinks and food and complimenting my clothing, attempting to curry my favor, but it only makes confused on who has authority. Eventually, I think we’ve worked out a system where we both do some lesson planning a week ahead of time, we sit down and I talk REALLY slowly about what I want to do, listen to her suggestion and decide on a plan. During class, I pretty much take the lead getting the class to do what I want, and she asks as a support, playing and pausing the CD when needed.

The worst of the worst? My textbook. The textbook topics often seem chosen at random and the materials don’t provide that many game or activities for teaching the theme language. The teacher’s book is full of grammar mistakes and was probably written by a Korean. I really want to use more creative activities like drama or art-based lessons in my class, but I’m pretty stuck with “play the dialogue, ask concept check questions, listen and repeat, play a game”, since unfortunately most of my students are low beginners and some don’t know how to read and write. I’m looking forward to the new school year in spring , since I’ll likely be teaching the same students (the new 6th graders) and I can allocate some time to teach phonics to the struggling students and get the advanced speakers into a drama club which I’m going to create.

It’s all in a days’ work, I guess. Almost too quickly, I’ve become very settled in this routine and in this space. I hope though this is merely apart of my day-to-day routine, I can still distinguish differences for the life I knew before.

Those Days – Japan Trip Day 1: Kamakura Wanderings

2009-09-16T07:47:00.000-07:00

August 13th, 2009

The next day I must have been severely jet-lagged because I awoke at the hellishly early hour of 5am. I managed to screw my eyes tightly shut and catnap for another good hour, but the loft in Veronica’s place where I slept was directly under the skylight, making any further attempts at sleep rather futile. I think I facebooked for a few hours while I waited till Veronica finally rose. Since I was already almost noon, and I was leaving for Takamatsu in the western isle of Shikoku early the next morning, we decide to head to the nearby historic temple-strewn town of Kamakura.
This was my third visit to Kamakura, but for me frequency of visits does nothing to lessen the charm and mystery of a place so weighted with centuries of history. Kamakura was once the capital city of Japan and the stately architecture of the traditional Japanese homes and buildings belay its former status.

The blue-tile roof mansions with expansive gardens of maple and shrubs and ponds of ancient koi, the moss covered walls of a stone lined stream, narrow, rambling streets lined with cobblestones, and of course temples and shrines as abundant and numerous as Chinese food in Chinatown. If there is any other city in the world other than the Vatican which sustains its economy from religious devotion, Kamakura comes in a close second.

From August 2009 Japan touchstones

Veronica and I rather aimless wandered through the streets, simultaneously exploring and getting slightly lost (which in my opinion is the same thing.) I kept pinching myself to accept the reality; I’m finally back in Japan~!!! We ended up visiting three or four temples, but only the bamboo garden temple is worth mentioning. The front garden is rather standard, though the sloped pathway one must walk to approach the temple gate gives a visitor the uplifting feeling of leaving ordinary place for holy ground. For me this feeling was confirmed as I passed around to the back grounds of this small temple, and was suddenly met with a deep grove of bamboo, its skyward reaching inviting me to let myself be enveloped in their green wooden embrace. As I proceeded along the cut-stone pathway, I felt like I should not let my voice rise above whisper, lest I disturb the tranquility of this towering bamboo cathedral. On a few stems which leaned close to the path, I could see brown indentations, the marks of thousands of visiting hands. In such a place, I am small; this is the feeling of treading sacred ground.
After our bit of wandering Kamakura’s mainstay, Veronica and I hopped on the old streetcar the Enoden and headed to the nearby beach of Yugihama.
Despite living in San Francisco, I had only been to the beach twice the entire summer, and was dying for chance to don my newly acquired bikini (even if my stomach was not as toned as is proper). Even for a Thursday, the beach was really crowded and it took a bit of asking to find a place to change clothes.
As I strode down the beach, I could feel the eyes of many drawn upward in my direction, I remarked to Veronica how no matter where you go in Japan, as a “gaijin” (foreigner) you are always self conscious, never able to be anonymous, somewhat like a of like a rouge celebrity. Such worries were forgotten in lieu of the pure pleasure of swimming in the warm ocean, the soft waves dancing along with me. The sea of this southward facing bay is very different from the violent sea of the harsh, cold, rough northern California coast.

I kept looking around for any cute guys, but they all seemed have stayed home that day. The memory of man, however, is forever burned into my minds’ eye. He SUPER skinny middle-aged man with long shoulder-length scraggly gray locks. His skin was orange-brown from far too much sun and his small, thin, womanly hips he wore a tighter than flattering shiny HOT PINK SPEEDO. The image of him in my mind makes me giggle even now.
After a short walk down the beach, bought ice creams from the “conbini” Lawsons and sat out front on a bench enjoying the melting flavors of ice cream and a summer early evening… ahhh, after so much hard work this summer to move out and move on, training and preparing, I think this was the first time to sit and purely enjoy time as I lay before me; finally a moment of summer.
As we walked back to the station, the dull ache in my head worsened to full-blown headache and I realized I was probably sun-stoked and dehydrated. But I had to travel 1 hour north to the main railway station at Yokohama to pick up my Japan Rail Pass since I was heading to Takamatsu early the next morning. I managed to grin and bare it through the subway crowded with evening commuters and the busy travel agency packed with Obon travelers. When I finally got back to Yokotsuka, navigated the bus (stopping at Mr. Donuts to pick up my breakfast, though they don’t have my favorite matcha green tea donuts anymore…), it was all I could do to prop myself up long enough to repack my hiking bag, check the time of my train, crawl up the ladder to the loft, and collapse in an exhausted sleep.
My grand-scheme trip awaited… A final thought floated through my mind as I drifted off, “Life is good to those who are patient…”

These Days – Japan Trip Day 0

2009-09-10T07:51:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Beatles music this afternoon, searching for good songs to use in my class when I came across one of my most favorite songs, “All My Life”…. “The people and places I’ve known, I’ve loved them all.” I have a pair of big stereo headphones at my desk in the subject teacher’s lounge, and I leaned back in my chair and let the music wash over me, as images of the last couple weeks arise in front of my eyes…. The last couple weeks of adventure, travel, greeting old friends, the many new meetings… there have been more than a few poignant moments which pass by like burst of air carrying away a fallen leaf, threatening to drop out of notice as new day of experiences present themselves.

I catch every leaf memory and preserve them within these pages. Though my ability to quickly acclimatize to a new life seems numb to the new and differentness of life around me, I strive to notice all that occurs around me.

So… these last couple of days and weeks have full of non-stop transporting, traveling, moving, and exploring with little time to properly get my bearings of who’s who and what’s what. My last week at home was insanely busy; actually “busy” does nothing to describe the degree of pressure to accomplish and prepare and double check all which I would need. Every day there was a schedule a mile long, mostly about me worrying about my Japan trip plans. I remember there was so little I knew about what was awaiting me in Korea, there was little I could do to worry about it. So I didn’t worry :)

Japan Day 0 - Aug. 11th

The first leg of my journey with confidence amidst exhaustion; I was pretty sure of where I needed to be, though not entirely certain how I would get there with my 200 lbs of luggage.

On the flight from SF to Tokyo, I was lucky enough to make the acquaintance of a young British guy “John” who was going to teach English in Japan. We were both tired of the hours of sitting and waiting, so we stood in front of the airlock, asked the stewardess from some screwdrivers, and had ourselves an impromptu midflight cocktail party. (We tried to get a Japanese stewardess to join us but she only gave a polite smile and declined.) With John’s help, I managed to get my heavy carry-ons off the plane, wade through the trenches of immigration, and reunite with the other 100 lbs of my life-in-bags. We said our goodbyes at baggage claim and I set my jaw to face my biggest challenge: getting from the airport in Narita to my friend Veronica’s house in Yokotsuka, 3 hours from the airport. I managed fairly well… with my hiking pack strapped to my back, a rolling duffel in one hand and a large suitcase topped a duffel in the other, I huffed and puffed and with the help of station agents somehow got myself from train to train. Once I had to change trains and get my bags up a steep flight of stairs, but I simply turned to an open looking guy about my age, explained my plight and he offered to help me. (Not everyone I met was so willing to help… I had to ask 2 or 3 people before I found someone going my way).
Four hours later, I finally made it to the tiny US military base town of Yokotsuka, where DVC friends Veronica and Saori were there to greet me. I was so happy to be able to spend my first night traveling not in some hostel or hotel, nibbling on granola bars. We were all invited to Saori’s family’s house for a delicious dinner of yakiniku. To come back to Japan and feel at home in a Japanese home was more than I could have asked for.
Veronica and me just chilled and hung out with Saori and family; sitting back watching them watch TV, I had to pinch myself and really ask myself again, “Am I really back here in Japan???”
I was also so lucky Saori’s family came with their car to pick us up, as I don’t think I would have been to manage my luggage up the steep hill to Veronica’s house. A bit more heaving and ho-ing and I finally made it with everything in more or less one piece. It was all I could do to un-strap the pack from my back, crawl up the ladder to thin futon in the loft of Veronica’s studio apartment, and collapse from exhaustion. As I let sleep take me, the question rebounded in my head, “Am I really here….?”

Claire's EPIK Soujourn: Prologue

2009-08-20T19:27:00.000-07:00

First of all, a thank you. Thank you to all those who have supported me through the last couple years of learning experiences and hard transitions, my friends and my family. Thank you to all of you who have share a laugh with me, given me advice and helped to pick me up when I was down. I can never forget the people who have shaped my world.

I feel it fitting to recognize all those who have helped me to get to where I am now, sitting on this Tokyo and Seoul-bound plane. It would be hard to press on without the knowledge there are loving, familiar faces with good hopes for success to carry me forward.

I think not a few people have been surprised I chose to go to Korea over Japan. The reasons are complicated, but simple. The simplest reason is I applied and I was hired, and a job is a job is a job. And I prefer spicy food ;)

But the more complicated answer is the nature of the relationship with Japan. I have done a lot of soul-searching, seeking an answer to the question, “Why am I so attracted to a country so contrary to my values of frank honesty and enthusiasm?” Three years ago, I made my first journey to Japan, seeking validation for these strong feelings; I felt that I couldn’t simply love this country with out an understanding of it’s heart and an acceptance of my feelings. I see my “thing” for Japan as much deeper than an appreciation for it’s culture, language and people. I am married to Japan. It is deep inside of me, a part that can never be thrown away or denied.
But Japan and I have had our differences; when we were closest while I live there, we couldn’t always get along. Maybe it was the frustration of learning to live with myself on my own and no real fault of Japan… but either way, I have had many second thoughts about the quality of my life if I chose to go back there. I don’t really think my outgoing, quirky personality will ever be accepted or acceptable in Japan.

I think it might be better to try and tread a new path. Instead of constantly recreating whatever experiences I could have wanted in my study abroad, I can make new paths. More than anything I look forward to this fresh start. I don’t care that I don’t speak much Korean yet. I will learn. I will train and prefect my TaeKwondo form. I will travel to Southeast Asia, and see the Asian Art Museum’s contents with my own eyes.

This is the start of a new chapter in the novel I called Life (because so much of it is what you make up yourself). With head held high, and my worldy possessions on my back, I go forward.

Embark!

10 Reasons to Study Japanese as a Foreign Language

2009-06-19T15:23:00.000-07:00

1. Japan continues to be recognized as one of the world's major players in the global arenas of economics, politics and renewable energy.

“Last year, Japan generated half of all the world's solar power, built 44% of all new solar energy equipment, and installed five time as much new solar power capacity as the U.S.” ( Business Week by The McGraw-Hill Company, September 6, 2004)

“ Broadband service here [ Japan ] is eight to 30 times as fast as in the United States -- and considerably cheaper. Japan has the world's fastest Internet connections, delivering more data at a lower cost than anywhere else, recent studies show. ” ( Washington Post Foreign Service , August 29, 2007 )

2 . Studying Japanese is a wise career-building strategy.

Many CSU alumni with a Japanese minor have been hired by well-established companies such as Sumitomo, Mitsubishi, Oppenheimer Funds, etc. because of their Japanese language ability. More and more Japanese companies are hiring non-Japanese who are fluent in the Japanese language.

3 The study of Japanese language offers unique insights into Japan 's fascinating national culture.

Studying Japanese greatly enriches the study of Japan 's national culture, which boasts a rich heritage in the fields of native craftsmanship, performance art, visual art, music, film and graphic design.

The curriculum of the Colorado State University Japanese Program with a holistic approach is designed in such a way that students at every level learn the language and culture through regular classroom instruction and hands-on culture workshops.

4. Learning Japanese helps students gain an enhanced perspective of their own language and culture.

Through studying Japanese, students have an opportunity to compare Japanese with their own language and culture. Many aspects of their own language and culture are more appreciated when students realize the differences and similarities among different cultures.

5. Studying Japanese builds brain power! Once you study Japanese, you can handle any foreign language.

This goes beyond being able to order sushi in style! Study of a challenging foreign language like Japanese fosters key analytical and critical thinking skills. Learning to write Japanese characters not only improves observation skills and dexterity but also stimulates the front cortex. For Westerners Japanese is the most difficult language among less commonly taught languages. Once you study Japanese with Chinese characters, you will learn strategies to learn other non-alphabetic foreign languages.

6. Japanese language education in the world continues to grow.

According to a survey by the Japan Foundation, in 2006 approximately three million people in 133 different countries were studying Japanese, up 26% from 2003. This number excludes those taking on-line courses.

7. Students of Japanese become eligible for opportunities to travel and/or study abroad.

Colorado State University offers a number of study abroad opportunities in Japan through Kansai Gaidai University , Yamagata University , Sophia University 's CIEE Center , and other institutions. After graduation, many CSU students apply to the Japan Exchange and Teaching Program which grants graduates the opportunity to work with local Japanese government organizations to enhance English language education in public and private junior and senior high schools all over Japan .

8. Japan is increasingly emerging as a point of origin for American pop culture as anime , manga and other Japanese cultural exports hit U.S. airwaves and store shelves.

“… Japan has made deep inroads into American culture, usually written off by the rest

of the world as aggravatingly insular. Bestselling Sony Playstation and Nintendo home video games draw heavily on Japanese anime and manga for inspiration.

So have recent Hollywood films, such as The Matrix , and television series, including director James Cameron's Dark Angel . ‘… Japanese anime-style cartoons currently fill the majority of time slots in the after-school and Saturday morning schedules on

U.S. cable television. The cartoon and video game franchise Pokémon—broadcast in 65 countries and translated into more than 30 languages—even made the cover of Time magazine…

“In cultural terms … Japan has become one of a handful of perfect globalization

nations (along with the United States ). It has succeeded not only in balancing a flexible, absorptive, crowd-pleasing, shared culture with a more private, domestic one but also in taking advantage of that balance to build an increasingly powerful global commercial force. In other words, Japan 's growing cultural presence has created a mighty engine of national cool.” (Douglas McGray, “ Japan's Gross National Cool,” Foreign Policy magazine, June 2002).

“Japanese cultural exports, i.e. revenue from royalties and sales of Japanese music, video games, anime, art, films and fashion, soared to $12.5 billion in 2002, up 300 percent from 1992.” ( Japan Now , New Year's Edition: Volume 1-2005)

9. The Colorado State University Japanese Program has a truly unique program through which native senior Japanese helpers come to CSU and help students learn Japanese in and outside of the classroom.

Since its inception in 1998, the Senior Volunteer Instructor Program has thrived, helping students of Japanese in and outside of the classroom. Having native speakers who are from Japan in class creates an authentic atmosphere and an environment that is conducive to learning. These volunteers often host CSU students in their homes when the students go to Japan .

10. A Colorado State University Japanese class is a great place to make new friends, have awesome senpai (upper-classmen) and find a community!

The Japan Club, the Ramnime club, calligraphy and origami sub-clubs and affiliation with the CSU Japanese Student Association all offer great opportunities to make new friends, explore Japanese cultural activities, participate in field trips and have fun. CSU's Japanese courses feature a highly collaborative learning environment that often sparks lasting student friendships.

“…, it is good to hear from you [Beecken-sensei] and please know that your students are all over Asia using lessons you taught us to explore the world!” CSU alumna (class of 03).

In summary, for students, studying Japanese can be an asset in the job market, a spur to personal and intellectual growth, a source of increased self-esteem, and of course an enjoyable experience. Nihongo o benkyo shimasho! (Let's study Japanese!)

"Comics are the Marijuana of the nursery"

2009-05-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

From Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1950s

"In 1948 John Mason Brown of the Saturday Review of Literature described comics as the "marijuana of the nursery; the bane of the bassinet; the horror of the house; the curse of kids, and a threat to the future."

My my, then I'm definitely a child-pothead and a threat to the future. I wonder if in his later years, Mr.Brown was forced to watch cartoons on TV in his nursing home? :)

久しぶり日本語作文

2009-05-09T17:35:00.000-07:00

Hello~! I was in my Second Home (ie the Humanities Building at school U_U;) and I perchanced to partake in a study conducted by a PhD student from Japan. I had to listen to this tape in Japanese and fill in the answers. The second part I had to watch Pengu and write a 1 page sakubun.

Just thought I'd post it so people can see how bad my writing has gotten these days, hahah.......

(probably that's not really laughing matter... (-_-;;)

ペングーという映画の話は若いペングーというペンギンである。ペンクーは家族とイグルーという家に住んでいる。あの日、ペングーはおばあさんのうちへ一人旅に行く。早い朝にペングーが、ペングーのお母さんは起きて、ペングーに歯を磨かさせた。それで、お母さんはペングーの弟を起きさせても、赤ちゃんの弟がまだまだ起きたくないから、大きくてうらさい声で泣き叫ぶんだ。赤ちゃんを静かに成らせるのために、ペンギンお母さんは赤ちゃんにか食わした。
そのあと、ペングーはトレイを使う後、キチンに入って、お父さんに朝津して、魚の朝ごはんを食べ始めた。食べるの終わったあと、ペングーは旅る準備をした。赤と白のふくに食べ物とおばあさんにプレセ－ントの荷物巣を詰めた。弟がまた涙を泣んてはじめ、ペングーは弟にハグをされて弟に元気治させた。それで、家族にバイバイして、出発した。
ところで、ペングーの旅がはじめた。でも、まだ遠い距離を歩かなくても、ペングーは知り合いを出会った。知り合いの雪バイクに登って、知り合いからペングーがおばあさんの家の近くまで連れてくれてもらった。ペンクーのおばあちゃんはペンクーの顔を見かさて、うれしそうだ。おばあさんはペングーのために美味しそうなご飯を作ってあげた。最後に、夜の遅くになったから、ペングーがおばあさんの家に泊まった。
それで、終わり。

Universal Tapestry of Fate

2009-04-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

I believe in the quantum mechanics’ theory of multiple realities, ie that every possibility exists until one makes a choice and selects one possibility. At that point all other possibilities become reality only in another parallel universe. This intricate web of possibilities and chances and opportunities is woven by God like an unseen spider. It is the duty of those with extra-sensory vision to reach out and feel the pattern and try to understand which way it should be woven into reality. This is the way that I see myself trying to decide what “should” happen, how the spider web tapestry of my reality, which is a part of the larger of the Universal Tapestry, should be woven in order to compliment the overall design. I am not the Creator of the Tapestry’s threads and my influence on the Universal Tapestry is currently limited, but I feel that subtle weaving of my own personal life’s Tapestry will eventually be an integral part of the over all pattern for the World Reality Tapestry.

～Interlude～

2009-04-23T20:30:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is very personal... And long. Read through the end, it gets good, I promise you (-_^)
Through recent reflections, I have been thinking about my future and my feelings on other careers I had previously considered, especially my feelings on the JET programme and its' participants. I think I finally have been able to voice and describe the tangled spider web of myself and my relationship to Japanese studies. DISCLOSURE: THIS IS HIGHLY PERSONAL. I read this and feel that my heart is verbalized on the page. I welcome all comments, but know this subject is VERY close to my heart.

But before the main feature....
a bit of venting (for sanity's sake)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today has been a very loooong day (surprisingly since time seems to fly by so fast.) Waking up before my alarm at 6am, volunteering at my internship site (an Japanese bilingual program at an Elementary school) from 7:30 till noon, then hauling my ass all the way across town back to school for my one class of the day (thankfully easy classwork today), and then hanging around school till 5:30 to hold a meeting for a Japanese Major Grad Ceremony/Party which no one showed up to *(-_-)**~~ Oh, I got a ticket for my car "blocking the sidewalk", a section of unfrequented pavement. F*ckn' SAW the MeterMaidMan stop in front of my car and ticket me. To make a tale short, one that involved me sprinting downstreet after him and getting him to stop by yelling "F*ckn asshole!" and a lovely but frank conversation punctured with colorful insults, I think I can get out of it by snapping a photo of my car and sending it in. Hah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what shape I want my future to take, at least for the next 5 years. I thought about this a lot this time last year, when I had thought I would already be graduating, since I was completing my fourth year of school. When I was in my Junior College and still living at home 3 years ago, my Dream had been to be an English teacher in Japan (hopefully JET), marry a Japanese man, and have bilingual kids.

No joke. This was Dream that I told myself I wanted.

My experience of living in Tokyo for a year and my lukewarm relationships to Japan through new Japanese friends who I met at my college after my year abroad killed a lot of that passion. I began to wonder, "What REALLY is Japan to me? Why is it feel so central to who I am? Why do I cling to it so much? Why do I wrap my self-identity so much with this county? Not that I care, but is this unhealthy or abnormal? Should I give up on my Japanese studies since Japan seems to have given up on me?"

(Aside thought: break-ups with my first very serious, almost-finance Japanese boyfriend and several really BAD messy rebound relationships could be partly responsible for this notion of betrayal...)

Until this point in the current Interlude Era of Limbo Era as I call the life of Now, (a time frame of the last year and a half) I have been very ambivalent about joining the JET program. I was of the opinion that participants in the program were purposeless drifters who had no life aspirations beyond creating a fantasy life in Japan. After in my one year abroad in Japan, I suffered a horrible disillusionment about the type of people who become ALTs and the kind of life the lead. I saw it as a life of debauchery, drinking, and depression, as many of the JETs feel they are not very useful in their jobs. I used to think JETs were a subclass teachers since they had NO education credentials. JET applicant’s often sub par Japanese language skills and cultural knowledge annoyed me.

Then I applied for JET out of desperation for a job and a direction in life. Over the months I waited, I became more excited. I can be in JET, but I can do things my way. Life is what you make of it, and I will do that with this job too!, I thought. I thought I would get it, that I was a shoe-in, though I never let myself get overconfident, half-expecting the opposite.

...and it came. Two week ago, a crisply polite rejection letter came in the mail.

grrrrr (>_<)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~........ Actually, I'm ok. I'm ok with it.

But I had to stop and think; why am I so judgmental about the image I perceived about the majority of JETs, with no teaching credentials and hardly any knowledge of Japan?

I realize I must be an elitist and a purist for my knowledge of Japanese. I think I hated how my knowledge of Japan came from only video games, comics, and cartoons. I think I used to think I needed to be slightly embarrassed when I admitted such a fact to Japanese friends, since only nerds and other social rejects and socially-inept types were really into such hobbies. I think I did not want to be associated with those types. I desired prestige and professionalism. I desired financial success, social success, and even more, opportunity to travel and see the world. I want real life experiences, I do not want to spend all my free hours with my arms, hands, and fingers connected to the computer like umbilical cords, dependent for an experience from anime which, in it’s essence is FANTASY. I do not want to get caught up in the fantasy world generated by many media geeks, and forget about the beauty of a sunny day in Katmandu or the cool breeze blowing of the bay in Nagasaki. I am a passionate geek for anime, manga, and video games. I am passionate about discovering authentic Japanese and other world cultures. I want to break out of the shell that I used to live in when I was in junior high, when I would not leave the house for up to a week while I played Final Fantasy.

Thus, I chose to learn a language over becoming an animator, so I could live abroad in the country of my dreams, Japan. Thus, I could learn what the REAL Japan was like. Thus I could have an advantage over the average anime fan who never pauses his Dungeon and Dragons game or World of Warcraft to get off his ass and his parent’s couch to get a degree and move to a foreign country. Thus I could have perfect Japanese skills and feel I was higher class than other students of Japanese and fans of Japan.

…this is why Japan and Japanese is so important to me. It is completely tied up with my ego. And I am fairly arrogant, at times. You are your skills. I am good at Japanese. Therefore, in essence, I AM Japanese language. I have learned in the last few years that it is not the entirety of who I am. I realized after my disillusionment of life in Japan and realization of how horribly I sucked at Japanese even after 2 years that I couldn’t depend on it to give me a complete identity. I needed to expand who I am. I need to encompass and incorporate more into me, to flesh out the bits of me, those strong-willed, opinionated, obstinate, and pushy parts that refused to be suppressed by oppressive Japanese culture. I opened my heart to explore my heritage, the inheritance that my brothers seem to have chosen to ignore. I open my heart to my Dutch and British ancestry and their people’s history. I claim my heritage to flesh out the person I consider myself to be. I open my heart to love the world and its cultures, to see the beauty in our differences and similarity in experiences.

But I will first hone my skill and knowledge of Japanese. As my mom always says “Finish what you start before you begin any other new project. And make sure you clean up after yourself when you’re done!” (That last bit usually applied to messy art projects ;-)

Warm days, cold thoughts

2009-04-20T17:42:00.000-07:00

It is Monday late afternoon, and I am typing this reflection paper for class; balmy breezes from an unusually warm day waft through my room and send the organized chaos of stacked papers on my desk into utter disarray. I am pleasantly warm; I am cheered to be able to let a fresh wind into my cloister of a bedroom. But on the other edge of this outward calm, I feel a nagging sense of unrest. I am unsettled, for there is no time to settle. The pressure of my impending graduation is weighing upon me. Forty-one days. I counted today. Less than 4 weeks of classes. Four weeks of being an undergraduate, un-tethered and meant to experiment and live it up. I feel the pressure that will soon sit solidly upon my shoulders, the Weight of Responsibility of Adulthood and Career.

Ugh.

I wish for more time, more time, time.....

I am not afraid of the change in my life that awaits me. I merely recognize the opportunities and experiences that will soon be no longer in my grasp; they will be replaced with others, but I still lament my Adolescence as I see it pass by into the murky abyss of Memory…

Once Upon A Saturday Night ~OR~ Friendship Over Romance

2009-03-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

This is something that I have began to write weekly for my internship seminar class. It is called an RSDLE, or reflective self-dialogue for learning. I wanted to share this because, I want people to read my writing and tell me if it moves them. I want to learn to write well from my experience. I appreciate all comments and suggestions. Thank you and enjoy~!

___________________________________________________________________

I wait outside his front door for him. I have come to his house for the very first time. We have planned to get together and make some dinner and watch a movie. This will be the very first time he will come to my house.

The thoughts do not race, but rather leisurely jog, through my mind. I look up and admire the candy-colored orange paint of his house. His Indonesian host parents have interesting taste. It is pure San Franciscan flavor but almost resembles Disneyland.

As my mind wanders and grows slightly impatient from waiting, suddenly the door opens and I leap up in surprising, letting out a startled yell. Hand on the door, he also leaps back with a shout, closing the door with a BANG! It takes me a few seconds to recover from shock before I burst out laughing. The tears stream from my eyes and my infrequently used stomach muscles ache and it is a almost a full minute before he finally appears again, glaring with annoyance. He thinks that I have intentionally tired to frighten him but I can do nothing to explain the coincidence of both of us startling each other, as that I can barely pull myself together to contain my laughter and get off his porch.

I am still full of giggles and definitely high spirits as we get into my car and head to my house to make the dinner I have been looking forward to all week. We will be cooking Okonomoyaki, a Japanese pancake with pork and cabbage and I am really looking forward to cooking complicated Japanese cuisine. We arrive at my house and I am excited as he follows me up my front steps. I am so happy he has finally agreed to spend some time with me! How long I have wanted for him to come over! I am a surprised that I am not placing more expectations on this night like I might have one year ago… I give myself a mental pat-on-the-back and remind myself to just stay calm and cool, act natural. Besides, I already know where we stand; he has a girlfriend he loves very much and I really want friends with him. No need to make more out of this. The thoughts pace through my brain as I insert my key into my door and open it with a flourish. As he follows me in, I appreciate how his manner is polite yet un-awkwardly friendly. Such a nice guy...

Before we start cooking, he comes with me to check out my room. He admires the posters of obscure Japanese anime that I have on my wall. To my surprise he knows many of them; I did not know he was such a fan of anime. When he notices some pieces of costumes I have made, I take out my computer and we look at some of my old photos together. He seems to genuinely like my costumes, a sensitive piece of my nerdy-ness which I have long fretted about being accepted by others, especially Japanese friends. We look some of my pictures of his home island of Shikoku, Japan. I am elated to finally hear more information about the places I visited two years ago. I tell him stories of my experience of feeling ultra-foreign in that tiny, xenophobic temple-town, of the old lady at the azuki, sweet red bean, candy shop who wouldn’t stop asking me strange questions about my height. My heart is warmed with this chance share these memories which I have not yet shared with another soul.

It is getting late and we have not even started cooking yet. We head to the kitchen and begin prepping all the ingredients. As I am cutting the cabbage and he helps with slicing other veggies, I admire how he seems to know his way around the kitchen. He does not stand there, helpless, waiting to be told what to do. I recall other dinners that were intentionally attempted to be more intimate and romantic were much more awkward than this moment. A part of my heart is disappointed that he is a platonic friend.

We cook and chat, exchanging stories of our pasts. I learn he has an older sister who is going to be married in July. I am very glad that he finally trusts me enough to open up a little bit to me, and tells me of his personal life. I remember what his friend once told me, of how he is like a barricaded that constantly needs to be politely knocked upon to finally get it to open. As he tells me of his interests, I feel we have a lot more in common than I realized… he shares my taste in music and we enjoy many of the same movies. And unlike many of my other friends, his English really characteristic and well thought out, not plastic, inorganic English expressions. Though there are a few times I have to take a moment to clarify a complicated idiom or expression or correct his English, our conversation flows so smoothly.

After a delicious jointly-prepared dinner, we clear off the table and finally set up my computer for the movie. We are watching an animated Japanese kid movie, Ponyo-on-the-Cliff. I wrap myself in a blanket and settle in. I have had a few beers however, and the lack of any dramatic action or any sense of danger (it is a kid movie) makes me slowly loose attention and nod off. I try to keep myself awake by sitting up but before I know it, I’m already slumped down again. I turn on my side to find a more comfortable position.

My head is only a few inches from his shoulder. I raise my eyes, tracing his silhouetted profile. The changing scenes of the movie illuminate his face in blue then pink, then a warm golden glow. Something stirs in my gut and I have to suppress an overwhelming urge to lean on his shoulder.

“God!” shouts a voice in my brain, “Why should it have to stop here?!”

I look back into myself, and I search my heart, sifting through the conscious and subconscious desires to find my True Heart. And it speaks to me. “Do not say “We are just friends,”” it says. “Friendship is the most powerful bond. Romance can flare and fade, but friendship can withstand all trials of time and hardship. Be thankful for a friend.”

This message emanates for somewhere deep below my throat, in the back, in my core.

I know this to be Truth.

He is a friend and for that I am sincerely grateful.

too many moments like these....

2008-12-18T10:35:00.000-08:00

oii, ひさしぶりてす。　Much time has past since I have even open up this website.... Many things have changed for me in the time since I last wrote.... and in some ways not much has changed at all.

I've almost completed my 3rd semester at SFSU, and it's a bit bittersweet. I've been trying really hard to recreate what I used to enjoy at other schools and clubs, with results that seem somewhat mediocre. I'm minding ways to enjoy myself but it feels like I'm off-track to where I want to be....

There have been some very fun experiences this semester. I started tutoring again at San Francisco State's tutoring lab called the LAC. It's not easy work though... you really need to work pretty hard to make sure you are helping a student both in what they need and what they want. I also had to take a class to train for the job and it turned out to be a lot more work than I would have thought! I wonder why the other tutor class at DVC felt so easy...?

I　also started taking Yoga class on Monday nights. The class is pretty engaging and I usually work up quite a sweat. I think I could do it as a hobby if I conveniently lived next to a studio...

Other things this semester.... I think i've tried to join at least 10 different clubs. no kidding! let's see, MECHA (mexican student club), Indian student club, various christian fellowship groups, the Japanese student association, the IEEC (international student club)....

i think i have a really hard time finding a place with people
who I really can to talk to and feel like are worth my time...

I got really frustrated once.
My coworkers invited me to a small Christmas party for thier Christian group called Intervarsity. I went but I was really turned off. It was like sitting in a Junior High class room, with all the silly kids running and yelling and jumpinng alover eachother, and several people who are preschool teachers saying "ONE TWO THREE EYES ON ME!"

I'm mean yikes, how old do they think we are? 5?

And i came back home really early like 10 pm and I felt so alone.I begain pacing up in down. grrrrRRRRaaarR! It's a thursday night and i'm at my apartment alone. and I wased my time with a stupid kids party.
I began frantically pacing up and down but stopped suddenly.
I stood under my skylight and i looked up.

Out of the pit of my stomach the raw sickening emotion rushed to the surface, and with came a yell beyond the doors of frustration to reach up to the heavens.

"WHY???!! WHY? WHY?? WHY!?!?! WHY GOD DO I END UP LIKE THIS? HUH?! You going to answer me? Tell me what I've been doing wrong? How have I jinxed myself? Why do i find myself so frequently in these situations??! Who am I to be? Who was I meant to be? What is inside me that just won't settle? Is my japanese voice within me still valid? am I being fake??? Will you just not give me some peace and direction?????! "
I yelled at God, hoping wishing craving someone, something, for any corner of the universe to answer me.

The air in my apartment rang in silence, my cries reveberating off the sparse walls.

Panting, exhausted from the overflow of emotion, I waited....
and from the depths of my mind there came my own voice.

Calm down Claire. Tomorrow is another day. Good things come to those who wait for the right chance.

I didn't really understand. But I felt like there might be something there. I think I felt a bit calmer.

The solution has yet to be reached. But I'm going to keep trying.

Sporks of F (Spontanious forks in Fate)

2008-11-01T22:45:00.001-07:00

I schlepped through the drizzling rain to downtown and went to an indie comic/art convention called APE today. Though I was really inspired with the ornate, groteque, and often oddball pieces produced at the hands of creative types, I was even more inspiring to be in a room with so many creative minds in one hall... It made me thing again about my own "art" and what I desired to make and create. I could see some comics that I felt were rather flat, like others which made me feel like, "YES, THAT is what I want to make!"

I want to make art that connects the lingering elements of people minds, hidden desires and dreams and puts them in the context of current reality. Fantasy and social commentary. Utilitarian art would also be good...
Lingering desires to reality. words to action.

Goal of the week, complete hw assignments, plan out storybook, complete JET application.

Father's Day

2008-06-15T23:08:00.000-07:00

My father died today.

This fact keeps rebounding through my head like an echo in empty cathedral.

But somehow, my heart's not there. I don't know what my heart is supposed to feel.

We weren't really close. Though I have a few good memories of him, back from when I was a little kid, I've always tended to sway towards my mother strong, opinionated viewpoint for the past few years after the divorce we never talked much. I was afraid of him using me to get information about my mother, who wanted to be left out of everything.

But as I consider everything in the big picture, I am filled with questions and uncertainties....

Do you miss a person who was never really there? Does his really being gone, not just out of the state or the country, but out of this plane of existance ment to recreate and synthesize happier memories?

What is a father-daughter relationship supposed to be like? What is it to love your father or for a father to love his daughter?

It is possible for me to tell, a least from this point. But I know I wished him godspeed to the other side, and told him goodbye and I really ment it.

Memories by song

2007-10-10T12:21:00.000-07:00

Everytime i sing this song, it reminds me of two friends: singing it for my Fumi Kasagi who's in NY now, and for Koji Koshikawa... I haven't talked to u in a while, but i hope ur well.

Cheers, enjoy the video～～!

thoughts back that press forward

2007-09-23T13:57:00.000-07:00

These days I've been thinking about my teacher/program Mom Kasaoka-sensei... I'm sure taht she is... she is being kept very busy with this year's new students (^_^) I wonder what kind of group are at Waseda this year...? How many students are from SF State?
School must have JUST started huh... thinking about the beginnings make me go into flashback mode, haha..... funny, but at the end of my year abroad I felt like I was ready for it to be over, ready to move on and do something else, but now that I look back on the year's events, I wouldn't mind doing it over again, so long that i knew what I know now.

I still feel like it's kinda weird to be actually back here... at first, I was really bored to be just sitting around my parent's house, waiting for school to start, and then nearly in tears because after a month i forgot how fast-paced life in the city can be (>_<) but u know, I can't help comparing my new recent experiences of living on my own in SF to life back in Tokyo. I recently move out of my parent's house and into an apartment with some roommates, closer to SF State so that I don't have to commute to SF. Live on my own isn't always easy (specially when I have to worry about what's for dinner~! ahh, that was the biggest plus for living with my host mom Yumi-san, delicious dinners...) but for better or for worse, I'm really enjoying life here. I think it much easier to live and socialize in SF than in Tokyo. I don't know if that's because this is closer to home for me or whether it's a dynamic related to the cities themselves, but I feel like i can connect easier and deeper to the people I meet here.

of course, I can't be back here without missing familiar relationships... the friends I used to know have left for other places, and sometimes it can be hard to walk around a familiar place that i used to spend time with a certian person....... but as time passes, and I meet new people and can make good memories with new friends, it becomes easier.

This year won't just be a year of hanging out and parties and friends. I have to be very serious about studying because i'm almost done with my Japanese major and I'm beginning to work on a very difficult English major. So much reading to do~~~~~!!! (>_<) I'm beginning to think about what to after I graduate... should i look for work right away or do I want ot go to grad school? Where do i want to go? Japan, California? Somewhere else in the US? Or do I want to try something completely different and go to Europe? Do I have the money to go to grad school?

I can't make any decisions now, and maybe not for another year. But I want to use this year to find and consider all of my options. I want to make a better, more realistic and solid plan for myself. The thought of "just graduate and teach in Japan" doesn't satisfy me anymore. I'm on the search for something better.

How to sum-up a year in Japan? (Part 1)

2007-09-11T11:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been meaning to write some sort of summary for a long time.... maybe 2 months, in fact. Often I find myself only writing when I really don't have time for it, when I should be doing other things (like right now I'm in my school's computer lab and I really should be finishing Japanese homework...). But I found this and I feel it does give a pretty actuate protrait of some the aspects of being at Waseda's SILS (School of International Liberal Studies). I just hope that I was less apathetic and more motivated that many that I had met there.

The list, taken from "You know you when to SILS if..."
-you speak a hybrid language. e.g. "i'm so fucking hungry dayo!!"
-although you technically go to school in nishi-waseda campus, you don't really go "inside" the campus that often.
-statistics is your worst enemy.
-you confuse people from other departments by using the word "sils" profusely in daily conversations.
-you often forget english is supposed to be a foreign language in japan.
-you think...no, you know 留学センターis stupid.
-you spent half your freshman year first semester in building 19's lounge.
-however, when you become older and cooler you tend to forget that you too used to spend time in 19's lounge.
-in open college classes you and your friends are the loudest... and coolest, in your opinion.
-you don't know half your friends' surnames.
-when stuck in a conversation with nothing to say, you ask people where they want to/are planning to/have gone to study abroad.
-you can't speak your mother tongue properly.
-your non-japanese friends speak better japanese than the japanese ones.
-you say hi to at least five people walking the slope between 19 and 22 for your next class.
- you meet most of your friends and professors at HUB in Takatanobaba.
- you feel cool and fab dressing up for Tanabatas and Halloween.
-you know that SILS office staff are useless.
-your decision on which course to take depends on the professors' english skills.
-you ask for chewing gum as if everyone has it everywhere.
-you wear weird clothing and freak out people in side the waseda gate, who all wear the same clothing.
-you wear scanty clothing and show lots of your skin (and fat).
-you think that bldg. 22 PC room is for sils students, therefore you feel pissed when other department people are dominating the place and there's no room for you to kill time on facebook.
- you have to think about 3 seconds and then reply when people asked, where did you come from?
- you lived in more than one country before.. and if you didn't, your friends think you should be in museum.
- your facebook wall has english and japlish eg. kyo wa tanoshikatta yo neeee. all over.
-you are out partying almost every friday.
- you said SILS all over and expect other people to understand what it stands for.

Japanese Politeness - Overstayed Farewell Party

2007-07-14T22:01:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I went to my friend John's host family's host for a Farewell Party that they were holding from him. I remember from the first time he emailed me about it, I was really surprised that his family was willing to open their house up to complete strangers and invite us to have a party. In the US, this isn't something so surprising, but in Japan where one's private face is carefully concealed, people don't socialize in the ultra-private intimacy of each other's homes. I have only twice before been to a friends' house, once each, even though they were both living alone.

So being invited to another's house is a big deal, even more so because it was John's host mom who suggested that he invite some people over. He said he would never ask for anything like that and I wouldn't think of asking my host family either (though when I asked my host mom about it later, all she could do was say how surprised she was that I hadn't had a party. "ALLLLL the other previous students had had parties, but Claire doesn't have good friends in the CSU group and you weren't here for your birthday, so that's why." (-_-;)) Oh, and it's almost expected for you to bring some sort of gift to your host,like a bottle of wine or dessert, but I when I asked John about it, he said i didn't need to bother. But I regretted it later...

I got to John's train station relatively on time, exchanged quick introductions with John's 2 other friends Hannah and Tokano and we walked to his house. And WOW! what a house! It' a REALLY big house,western style, with a security gate and even a garden!!! They must be pretty loaded.... What kind of people does John live with?? I was expecting younger people of about late 40s to early 50s, but once we were ushered awkwardly in the door, John's host mom Satomi-san was more of an grandmotherly woman, who's aura (after a few minutes of conversation) just EXUDED traditional Japanese housewife, seemingly polite and respectful.

Takano had brought a cake for dessert, which they graciously accepted. I felt a twinge of guilt for not being a better guest(o_O) Oh well, they'll probably just blame it on the fact that I'm American anyways...

The party turned out to be a much more formal event than I would have thought, with fancy fish and German wine and beer. They sat us down at the table, laden with plates, chopsticks and many dishes. Then the interviews began.

"Where are you from? What is your major? What do you study at Waseda? How do you know John? Can you eat fish? Wow, how did you learn to use chopsticks so well? Do you live in a dorm? Why do you live with a host family? What is your host family like?" With all the questions that Satomi-san fired at me, I had the feeling that this party was not as much for John as it was an opportunity for his family to meet foreign students. She also keep talking about John right in front him, like "Well, John is always like this" and "He ALWAYS likes this". It seemed a bit awkward, but I tried my best to make it more of a conversation by asking my own questions.

As the evening wore on, the wine glass continued to be refilled. They even gave me a cup of sake and asked me a couple times to have beer. I was at least a bit buzzed, but John's 30 yr old host brother and wife were certainly outright drunk. And poor Takano, they just keep pushing beers into his hand saying "Don't be reserved! Please drink more!!" We took group photos and listen to John play the piano. Ah, I felt like a kid at my aunt's house...

So at about 11, John turns to me and asks me in English what time my last train is, and if I want to stay the night. It was raining like crazy and I thought since he was asking, that it was already OK with his host mom. But since no one else was staying, I thought it best to head back. Figuring the time of my last train from Shibuya was at 12:40, we thought to leave the house at 11:45.

At this point, no one in the family said ANYTHING about what time the last train was, nor did I think anything about if it was getting late for his host family. In fact, we were all really still just chilling, so I wasn't trying to "guess" or "feel" if Satomi-san wanted us to go, though she didn't give those hints either, since she just kept asking us if we wanted more wine or beer or cake.

When we were just about set to take our leave, Satomi-san ran up and asked us to sign a guestbook, which took a bit of time. Me, John, and Hannah set off to walk me to the station. It wasn't until I had already left the house and was on the street that I realized Takano wasn't with us... huh? John said that Takano realized that he had already missed his last train, and Satomi-san had reluctantly said "Well, i guess it be helped" and let him stay. So why don't you stay Claire? Well does your host mom mind? "Dunno, let me ask." I called my host mom, and she was cool with it.

But when he came back he had a very confused expression on his face, since she had been really reluctant, saying stuff like "Well, it's a little bit difficult, and she is a girl, so won't her host parents will worry about her she doesn't come back?" I felt instantly bad right then, like I was imposing on Satomi-san kindness. We were debating what to do as we walked to the station, only to find I had missed the last train by 1 minute... We walked to Hannah's host family house since it was close to see if I could stay there since a girl staying over wouldn't cause as much of a problem, but no one was away to ask permission from so that was a no go. Me and John ended up making out way back through the heavy rain back to his place. I waited on the porch, hearing him mom say "So how was it?" (more like "did she go home?") while he made his explanation that she didn't seem so happy to hear. But once again saying "Well it can't be helped!" I was let in.

But this time as I stepped in the door, I felt a certain change in her attitude. I was not the guest that had just left, more of a bothersome child to care for. I was nearly ordered to take off my wet clothes as John was ordered to fetch me something dry of his, just as soon as he wiped up the water that had dripped onto the floor from his soaking pants. Even after I changed, we sat around being interviewed as she waited for Takano to finish drinking another beer that she had put in his hands, even though he drank 4 cans of beer and a bottle of red wine. I really wished that she would just decide to go to bed and leave us 3 to casually chill for a bit, but she didn't show any inclination to leave us "unsupervised". Definitely in charge, she was the one that said, "Well I'm sure you're all tired so it's probably best to get to bed," sweeping us off to our separate rooms. She even woke us in the morning, making breakfast from last night's leftovers, even though I would have preferred to leave ASAP as to not impose any more on her, but to refuse a meal already prepared would seem ungrateful......

It was only once we left that we found out why she had been so reluctant to let us stay: Her eldest son was coming in the morning, and she needed us gone so she could prepare the next big feast and also so he wouldn't know that there had been a party he didn't know about. He lives a bit far away and had NOT been invited to the party the night before since he would have had to stay, which would have been a trouble for her, since she would have to care for him the whole next day.

Sheesh!! What kind of family does this to their kids?! What kind of person doesn't make it politely yet obviously clear when it's time to leave??

...a Japanese one.

I just wonder if I am at fault for not "knowing" when to go home, or she should have made it clear that she was going to be busy the next day and couldn't afford any overnight guests.

Krisy Kreme Krazy Japan!

2007-06-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

2 hour wait for a Krisy Kreme... would you believe it?! It's possible here in Tokyo, where anything from America can become more popular, faster and consumerism has been elevated to the extreme. What's more unbelievable is that waiting in a line to buy donuts has become a dating activity, almost comparable to waiting in line together for rides at Disneyland (O_o) And not only are they waiting a hell of a lot longer, but they are willing to spend much more money on them too, since on average everyone was walking out of that shop carrying a box or two of 2 dozen donuts, which cost about $20 each. Krispy Kreme must really be making a killing here.....

Tokyo Itself is A Lost Connection

2007-05-24T00:41:00.000-07:00

I was on my way to school Monday, when I received a message from my teacher that all classes at Waseda had been suddenly canceled until May 29th because of the recent measles outbreaks in Tokyo. My first thought was to run the travel agency and see if there were any flights available to exotic places that other students had gone to over spring break but I hadn't gotten a chance to yet. Rather than travel alone, I found 2 friends who were willing to spend the money to go. Since most cheap tour packages that include flight and hotel were booked, we decided to go from June 1-4 to Bali (^___^) According to my aunt, it's a honeymoon destination, so I'm really looking forward to it.

The only thing is, in the mean time what's to do?? I feel like I've toured too much of Tokyo and Japan already.... and it's getting wayyyy to hot to sit at home... So I was looking for apartments in SF for next semester on craigslist. I was doing that today too, but eventually got bored and started looking at other parts of craigslist, when I found this post under Tokyo>>Lost Connections:

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"The City of Tokyo is itself a Missed Connection...

This is the conclusion I've roughly arrived at after spending what I thought was a sufficient amount of time there. But it wasn't enough time. Or more precisely, different rules seemed to apply to time. There were apparitions of faces in endless crowds. So many faces, but none that lit up in recognition just for me. Who knew me, or even wanted to know me.

It hit me one night on the Hibiya line. Last train. A man and a woman who had no connection other than a shared train seat. They had both fallen asleep and their heads and shoulders were leaning in toward each other with a kind of unconscious intimacy. Could it be that they had found in sleep what we could not in waking? But Borges had already spoken about that, hadn't he?: "...Que mientras dormimos aquí, estamos despiertos en otro lado y que así cada hombre es dos hombres." ("While we sleep here, we are awake elsewhere, and thus every man is two men.")

What's more, an advertisement above them read, in strangely happy red lettering, "Decide who you love best by November 31st." I stared at that sign for a long time. Like it was some oracle, some talisman, some harbinger of an alternate future. Why this arbitrary deadline? But I decided that sign was written just for me and so I wanted to comply with its order. But I couldn't. Or wouldn't. In any case, I didn't. And in this way, I lost you.

Do you remember the night we sat up smoking on your balcony, looking at the clouds moving in over the city, tracking the blinking lights and the trains snaking through the punctutated darkness toward who-knows-where? We decided the city had grown up enough to take care of itself. That if we all died tomorrow most of what we saw--the neon, the factories, the trains, the great modern pyramids of office building architecture--would go on. They do not need us. They might have at some point in the past, but no longer.

I have a letter from you from long ago. I saved it because it contains the most beautiful and most heart-rending line anyone has ever written to me. You wrote, "The time we spent together was wonderful, and I felt very close to you for a moment."

I missed you. I lost you forever to this city."

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wow, i so know how this person feels...i have always said that Tokyo is the Lonely City of Lost Souls, but this person explained so eloquently. I meet so many people everyday, but I feel like I lost my connection to them too quickly, or it never has any real chance to form... Even now as I have been sitting around my house or gone out somewhere by myself, I don't feel that strong connection to many of the people I know here in Tokyo.

...a few months after I came here, I felt like I lost my "light", the 明るさ of my personality... I don't know if I ever got it back, but I know I've been able to fight the against the darkness that threaten to swallow me.

who ever you are, I hope you can recover what this City has taken from you...

I want my Social Butterfly wings back....

2007-04-21T06:33:00.000-07:00

Hey yah (^_^) sorry for the prolonged blog silence. My reasons, well 1. I was travelling 2. I was busy travelling and 3. I was out experiencing life so that I would have something to write about.

see, great reasons (^_^)

so this isn't really the blog i wanted to post to tell what's been happening, but I'll do. It's actually a letter to friend Gene-chan so that's why there are a lot of "you"s. Enjoy~! (@^_^@)

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but yah after I left Cali for Japan and my mom came with me, I was taking her everywhere and didn't have much a chance to sit down and type. Oh and I was a blithering idiot and lost my cell phone on a train the day before we were leaving Tokyo to go to Kyoto (>.<) not only did I have to pay like $70 to get a new one, I lost all my contacts, my pictures, and some rare-ish anime keitai straps ( DOUBLE >..<) It was like winter's unforgiving hand was trying to put the choke-hold on spring and yelling "I'm not gone yet, dammit!!"
hehe....

but yah, Kyoto was really beautiful.... it's kind of what you expected Japan to be. maybe most people visit only Tokyo and Kyoto and they come away with the impression that all of Japan is like that.... but anyways, I don't know if you remember going to Kyoto, but my favorite was Kiyomizu dera. (google it) It's a really HUGE temple that is built on a hillside and offers great views of Kyoto. all the sakura were in bloom when i went too, so it was really special.

well, school started last week (so i've had a total of 2 weeks of school now.... weird huh? Cali's schools are almost done and I just started!) and it took all that time to get my damn schedule figured out. I had to go sit in on a lot of classes to find out which ones were crap and which were worth it. A lot of the japanese teachers have such strong accents or unnatural ways of speaking you may as well be taking thier class in Japanese (-_-;) But i decided to take Applied Lingustics(of english), Women Writers in Japanese literature (in English translation. oh, and my teacher's Gaye. no, no joke, her name is Gaye Rowley) and a slew of Japanese classes. I didn't work really hard at my japanese last semester so i want to try better this time around.

but even as i'm just getting started here, i'm painfully aware of how little time I have left, like 4 months. wow, that 2 month spring vacation went REALLY fast... I have to start thinking about going back now too.... apartments, class reg back at SFSU, and any last minute travel arrangements (I may go to Hokkaido right after school finishes on July 26th and before i have to go back on the first week of August)............................
i just was wondering..... i wonder this is too early to be leaving? I went home to recover and re-center myself, but I wonder if that has let to my eyes becoming stuck in that direction rather than the present life I have now...?
also I have a lot of stuff i want to complete like searching online for an event to cosplay my Menos Grande costume, writing my blog, begin writing the book based on my Life in Japan ...
but..........

i'm too hooked on playing Zelda: Twlight Princess. I'm not kidding you , even me sitting down at my computer and commiting myself to replying to you has taken serious amount of effort!! i find myself coming home from school and turn in my Wii thinking i'll only play 1 hour but somehow that 1 hour turns into 4! and then a go to bed at 1am or 2 and wake up at maybe 9 then next morning to work on some homework before classes and again I find myself thinking "i wonder if i can get this done if i'll have time to play...."

I made plans to eat dinner with a friend on friday and i almost wanted to cancel so that i could go home and play Zelda because my host dad had been using the TV every night this week.

i must be addicted (@_@) just put some z's instead of @ symbols and that makes a good emotocon of my current condition.............

Anyways, even of my ranting for now... It's time to play more Zelda! I swear, i will finish this game if it's not the last thing i do!

Cheers~!
Claire

Okinawa Pictures

2007-02-27T07:04:00.000-08:00

This is really late, but I thought i'd post some pictures of my trip to Okinawa.

This is a souviener shop in Naha, Okinawa's main city. It's along this road called Kokusai Dori (International street) that packed with these shops. You can tell that the main business in Okinawa is tourism...

"Yes, I am the Queen and this is my Castle..."

...yah right, i wish (U_U)
anyway, this is Shiri Castle, the main castle of three in Okinawa. This is where the last king of the Ryukyu Kingdom (the name of Okinawa when it was an independent country before it was conquered and annexed by mainland Japan) resided, ruled his subjects, and where ceremonies are still preformed today.

It's... soo.... BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! I can't believe how beautiful the ocean was, the sand, the sky, everything.... if this is heaven, i'm going to die wearing a swimsuit (^_^)

Guessing Meaning

2007-02-11T18:37:00.000-08:00

I got up this morning and was putting on my contacts, and one-by-one the other members of my host family were slowly rising too. I said good morning to them as they went upstairs to the kitchen (the bedrooms in my house are on the 1st floor and the kitchen and family room are on the second). As usual, I was wondering what my host mom Yumi-san was thinking to do about breakfast.

I'm not used to someone always making breakfast for me. My own mother will occasionally ask what I want to do about breakfast (if I wake up the same time she does on weekends) but usually I make if for myself if I'm hungry.

My host mom seem to have different thoughts upon the subject but it's not always clear what she intends or what she wants to do, because she doesn't always explain in a way that is clear to me. When I have class in the morning, sometimes she would make it for me but often food that I would prefer to eat for lunch, not breakfast... (i like sweet foods in the early morning). Or by the time I finished eating, I would be late. But after a while she said that she is sometimes busy in the mornings so she would buy cereal or toast for me to make for myself. "Alright, fine for me," I thought. "At least I don't have to worry about inconveniencing her by having her worry if she needs to make breakfast for me or not. On weekends, I'd wake up, grab something to eat or make tea, and get on skype to talk to mom or my boyfriend.

So this morning, after my usual morning wake-up routine (comb hair, contacts, wash face), I thought that maybe today too, I would make it for myself. I turned on the computer to check my email and mixi first, when I heard the sound of the vacuum cleaner. "Oh shit, if I go up stairs now, they're gonna make me clean!!" was my first thought (I have a horrible adversity to household chores.) So I waited until it seemed safe to go up. But as I began to make myself a bowl of cereal, my host mom exclaimed "Oh! I thought I would make you pancakes and we would make them together! Hitoshi-san (my host father) and I were waiting for you but when you didn't come up, we started cleaning." I appologized and said I hadn't realized that and I would put the cereal back in the box. But she went on to complain that I was the one who said I wanted to learn to cook and we should cook together, but I ALWAYS only come home for dinner when it's already cooked or I'm in my room until it's done; I don't help her make it. It is the Japanese way, she said, to know when to inhale and exhale in harmony with others. In other words, you have to unconsciously know another's wants and expectations. I had thought that she enjoys making the food by herself and when she wants help she will ask for it. But it seems that she feels that she doesn't need to express herself more than once. "I've told you before, haven't I?!" she said.

She did go on to make pancakes (for me and her, I thought) and okonomiyaki (she said it was for her husband and father, since they don't like pancakes). But when she asked me if I'd eat some, and I tried it and said it was good (I always too, as a compliment) she remarked, "Well, great! Now I don't have to make you pancakes in the morning!" Oh, you were only making them for my sake? "Yes, I was."

...?

I've been of two minds recently, thinking of how lucky I was that I could be so independent and go out when I wanted to and return when I wanted to, but at the same time wishing I that they felt more like my family. Yumi-san had said before at the beginning of the year to not hesitate to eat with my friends (or so I thought) because it is important to make good friends and spend more time with them then at home. So I guessed that I wasn't to rely on them to much companionship. But with this recent complain that "Oh, all the previous girl host students ALWAYS came back early and immediately came upstairs to help me cook!" I' m guess that she wants to have me an obedient daughter who helps her mom and always unconsciously knows when her mom needs help.

It's hard for me to define our relationship, because I don't really feel like her daughter nor do I feel like her equal in a friendship. Sometimes I've felt like a boarder, wondering if it's ok to drink any of the milk or use this or that. When I don't understand what she wants and I ask, I sometimes get this look from her like "You didn't KNOW already??!?" I am aware that it's a Japanese custom to not express opinions to often to avoid selfishness, but when you don't communication your feelings it's very hard to understand each other sometimes.

At least know that I'm beginning to establish myself here and I can feel some of the warming comfort of friendship, I think I can afford the time to involve myself more with my family and understand Yumi-san. She may not be my type of person, but for the sake of familiar harmony, I'm willing to try.

A quick update

2007-02-05T05:04:00.000-08:00

Hello, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a long while, I just didn't feel like sitting for a long amount of to type this blog, since I've already spent too much time planning my mom's trip to Japan.

Yes, that's right my mom is coming to Japan. The adventures (and likely some misadventures) are sure to be a story to tell.

Till then, there have been a lot things going on which i plan to write of later, but I'll tell you for now that I'm leaving to go to Okinawa for 4 days. Yay, beach!!!

Now, off to pack and sleep for a couple hours ^_^ You can look forward to beautiful Okinawa pictures~!

Lazy....

2007-01-09T17:29:00.000-08:00

Hello~Happy New Years! It's been a while hasn't it? I was traveling over Christmas break and when I got back, somehow didn't get around to writing about it yet... and I think of doing it now but.... somehow, I have this really strong desire to forget the world for a few more days, and just play lots of video games. Or make some cosplay project. Or sleep. I should study or in someway do SOMETHING to make an effort towards improving my Japanese skill... does reading Japanese-language manga count? ^_^
I just wonder if I was always so lazy or if since coming here I'm wasting more time... I've to spend my Monday, Wednesday and Sunday mornings on Skype talking to my boyfriend and sometimes my mom... THAT's not a waste of time, but now that it's Wednesday again and I get up early deciding not to sleep my time away and- after breakfast, I'm back in the bed for another hour.
What should I be doing?? What do I need to do? If I only could make up my mind, I would do that. I don't want to waste this precious time that I had dreamed about, prepared for, and spent so much money on.

...............what to do, what to do, what to do, what to do...........................................

A Japanese Christmas

2006-12-24T22:07:00.001-08:00

I love Christmas. Since my birthday is two days after christmas, it's always felt like the christmas celebrations include my birthday too. But here in Japan, Christmas has a different feel... more Japanese think of Santa-san and dating than Jesus at Christmas.

Christmas for me is not presents or going out with your girlfriend... For me it's about gifts from the heart.

So...

To all my Dear friends,my gift from my heart to all of you; On this day, you are not alone, because I'm thinking of you. Wherever you are, I wish you all the best, today and everyday with bright hopes and bright dreams for the future ^_^

Merry Christmas everyone.

Love,
Claire

♪Hey, hey, my Boyfriend is Back♪

2006-12-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

There may be many more interesting things that I have experienced in this last weekend, for example going to a drinking party with the Shoujo Manga club or taking an Aikido test with the rest of my Aikido club and only nearly passing to the next level (5, or go-kyu).... I could even talk about the conversation I had with my host mom, as she told me that I tell my opinion so straightly to them, it shocks them (for example, my host sister wanted a Sony camera because it looked cute, but I advised her against it, since they break really easy).....

But...

The only thing I can think of now is....

Only 15 more hours until I can be with my boyfriend again~~~!!!!

Kochan, I pray for your safe travels... what else more can I say but--- See you in Narita. ^_^

Dual Fantasy: Maids and Otaku

2006-12-05T03:30:00.000-08:00

Hmm, this blog title would make a good game name... anyway, I haven't seriously written much in the last month, and i need to make up for it. K, Here we go!

So about two weeks or so ago, I had a really bad cold and I had been stuck in the house most of the day. The weather was bad as the cold, but when I was given a chance to meet a friend from online for the first time, I was curious enough that I couldn't pass it up. His name is Sasaki and he had found me in Mixi (Japanese MySpace) in April, occasionally messaging me since then. At first I thought he was interested in me as a woman, but I think now he just likes America friends who know Japan. He had been studying abroad in America for 3 years, living in Boston and Alabama I think. Well, having never lived in Tokyo or even lived in Japan for a while, he emailed me and asked if I would meet him to show him Tokyo.

Me, a foreigner, showing a native Japanese his country. (O_o)

So I agreed to meet him in Ueno since that was close to his house. Alright, that's fine , I thought, Ueno is plenty touristy. However when I met him, he said that he had never been to Akihabara (Electric Town, home to all things electronic and nerdy), and could we please, please go to Akihabara??? Alright fine, sure, why not... for some reason when Japanese people find out I like Anime, they all want to go with me to Akihabara... So we walked from Ueno to Akihabara (about 15 mins)... he was looking around and "ooo"ing and "aaah"ing more than any other foreign tourist I'd ever seen... maybe because he'd been living in America's boonies? Anyway though when we got to Akihabara, he said, "Hey you've been to a maid cafe before, right? Maybe since you know about them, you could take me to one!!"

If you don't know, a maid cafe is where girls of varying degrees of beauty dress up in maid outfits or otherwise and greet customers with the phrase "Welcome master!", serving food and fetish to mostly male clientèle. Some cafes simply serve food and maybe make small talk with the customers, while others offer massages, hand feeding, and more... I've been to the more normal maid cafes (Pinoforia and @home Cafe) twice before this with girl friends interested in what exactly attracted men to this.

So... I'm going to spend my saturday night with a guy I know from online at a fetish cafe in geek paradise.

...Strange, but better than staying home!

I really didn't want to take him to the cafe lest my reputation of being knowledge about such cafes grow anymore, but Sasaki was so persistent, I eventually agree to simply show him where the best one, @home, was so that he could go there again later with a friend or something. But once we were in the lobby, it was apparent that merely taking a quick look around would not be enough for him. He paid my 300yen ($2.50) entrance fee and we waited a while for a table to be free.

While we were waiting, I glanced around the room to gather what kinds of people frequent this type of place... a group of giggly girls, some boys already old enough to start going the way of the geek, men who still dress like they are young boys... never shy to gain information, I turned to a guy next to me and asked him why he came to this cafe over other ones. He told me it was because the maids here were the cutest and kindest and they really seemed to care about the customers. Hmm, ok, thanks.

After waiting a while, we enter the cafe... it has a very Japanese atmosphere, with low lighting, Japanese koto music, and the maids wearing kimomo and hakama. There is a large, square, raised platform that serves as a "bar" from which the maids serve and entertain. We sit at the "bar", next to an otaku looking guy wearing thick glasses and playing a Nintendo DS. Eventually me and my friend get into a conversation with this guy... he working for a computer company, lives alone, and comes to this cafe often because the maids are easy to talk to. Indeed, he seems very "at home" in this cafe, knowing the names of all the maids, even referring to them with the endearing title "-chan".

While my friend continues to chat this otaku-guy up, I overhear a maid's conversation with another customer and she speaks English. I interrupt my friend and he helps me to get her over so I can talk to her. I ask her why she works this kind of job and she tells me that she like cosplay and has always wanted to work in Akihabara, so this is a good job for her. So I ask her if she thinks that she is helping her customers to gain confidence to speak to girls outside the cafe or if she is inhibiting them by wrapping themselves in fantasy. This she couldn't really answer this question, so she said she thought she was helping them, maybe.

(My friend kept apologizing for my rather straight-forward questions, saying "Oh please excuse her, my friend is drunk...")

So I asked her, "What would happen if you met one of your customers outside of work, like at the train station as you were going home?" She replied "I would try to ignore them and not let them see me. Even if they did talk to me, I would just reply quickly and go."

I said, "Don't you care about your customer's feelings?"

"No, not like that," she said. "It's just a job."

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I thought about this a lot, I think it plays into Japanese society's "role" structure. In Japanese society, you are much less an individual as you are a member of a group and the role you play in that group defines you. Obviously, this is very limiting, so a way to briefly break out of the confinement is to change roles and live a fantasy. The otaku-guy lives the fantasy of being master of the maids and the maids get to play dress-up. But when fantasy time is over, they slip back into their normal roles, just as nothing ever happened.....

My friend Ryosuke says "I think it's kind of romantic though, 'cause it seems like both people are enjoying the maid cafe from their own perspective and both are living as normal people outside that cafe. I don't think most of those maids talk to those "otaku-types" but those two people can talk, communicate, and enjoy themselves together at the cafe. It's ok to live out what is not real as long as they know it's not real, because people sometimes need to escape from reality especially for most of Japanese in Tokyo, since it's a cold and heartless city in the world's most stressful society."

I think i want to keep investigating this "role-playing" in Japanese society... I also wonder what is the difference between living in Tokyo and living in a smaller city....

The journey continues... and I'm enjoying the ride ^_^

(P.S. 7 days, see you at Narita Kochan~)

I'm not dead yet

2006-11-22T18:55:00.000-08:00

Looking back the last two weeks feel like a whirlwind.... somehow when I was living them, they felt normal but if I try to remember what's been happening, I just feel like it's a blur of places and faces.... places like school, around Takadanobaba, Shibuya with friends who I barely know their names and faces that all look alike.

I actually have to look at my camera's pictures to remember what I've been up too...

So what have I been doing? Went to Nikko to see waterfalls and autumn leaves (but most were already brown and dead...except for the one in this picture) on Nov 2., hung out with random friends for lunch, met a friend knew from Mixi and hung out in Akihabara and when to a maid cafe, been sick, when to school, skipped Aikido club for a day and hung out with friends after classes and watched a japanese movie 手紙　(Tegami, or Letter) and when to dinner afterwards, was late to school one morning and was rushing so was riding my bike fast and turned a corner badly and fell of my bike and skinned my arm (could have been worse), hung out with other girls from CSU and found out that they gossip about each other sooo much, traveled about 1 hour from Shinjuku to go to Mt. Takao to see beautiful autumn leaves (there was some there this time), offically found out that I can go to Okayama for New Years!!!, watched videos of the new Legend of Zelda game and decide I REALLY REALLY want to play it, hung out with a friend from her birthday and got too drunk and was sick all on this Monday, and hung out with friends for dinner yesterday and ate this really fishy-fish that I tasted for hours afterwards. (>.<)

*Whew*

And one day I try to call my mom and she emails me that she's in Tahoe. I couldn't tell you how much want to escape this whirlwind life for a bit and relax with her in Tahoe too...

People ask me if I'm doing alright because I look really tired (I sleep but I don't feel like I'm resting much.... I still have bags under my eyes, what my friend calls "Panda Eyes") and I just say "Well, I'm not dead yet, so the worst hasn't happened." It kinda reminds me of the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I think that even if my arms and legs were chopped off, I'd still be the one to keep screaming "It is merely a flesh wound! I can still fight!!! Come at me, you pussy!!!" I wanna keep fighting to keep my head above the water so I don't drown.

I think that if I was back in Cali now, this would be whirlwind time too; My friends back at DVC are hooking up right and left with people I never would have expected, I just found out some shocking news about my older brother, school would be hella busy......

Maybe this is just the feeling that many people get around this time of year, the "Holiday Season". So that's me in the picture... just looking around and wondering what the hell is going on. Once again, I'm being swept along with the river of live with barely a paddle to steer my course...

There are some stories of the last two weeks I want to tell (specially about Akiba with the Mixi friend) but I'll have to save it for another time... Today is Thankgiving (Happy Thanksgiving!!!) or Labor Gratitude Day in Japan (Happy Labor Gratitude Day!) so our CSU group is having a group buffet dinner at the army base ^_^ Let's eat lots and lots of steak!!! STEAK!!!!! Oh and on Saturday I intend to go to Nintendo World to try out Legend of Zelda and Sunday is a L'arc~en~Ceil concert.

Busy, busy, busy...

But I'm still alive and breathing so it's alright. Even if I'm not always the happiest, I live to survive to the time when I can be happy.

Cheers, and Happy Thanksgiving ^_^ I wish you all enough.

First Cold and Worst Meal

2006-11-12T06:30:00.000-08:00

Well I was wondering when the generally warm weather would finally begin to feel like Fall ..... Friday it was sunny and warm enough that one guy I know wore shorts, flip flops, and a T-shirt like a true Californian ^_^ Saturday I didn't just rain, it poured and today the sharp cold wind was enough to cut through my jeans and hooded sweatshirt and make me wish for a warmer coat....

But it's not that kind of cold that I dislike...... I got sick (*_*) After yelling and selling Takoyaki for Niji no Kai last week Sunday, I completely lost my voice and could only manage to croak out a few words that sounded like a toad with rocks in his throat... the worst was coughing so bad that I woke my host mom up a couple of times and couldn't sleep much for 3 nights .... Saturday's rain really matched my mood (U.U)............

I was feeling better today to hang out with my friends for a while. I joined this Waseda Illumination project to decorate some buildings and trees at Waseda for winter (not Christmas, because there are Muslims here to and it wouldn't be considerate (T.T) and I thought Japan didn't care about religion stuff....) Anyways we went shopping in Tokyo fabric district Nippori (i know where to buy fabric for cosplay now! ^^) but it took such a long time for everyone in our group of 8 people to agree on what material and color to use for the decorations, like 3 hours.... I like the group's leader, but she's too kind to make a firm, fast decision so that everything ends up taking way too long to decide (U_U)....... sheesh, Japanese group decision making......

Well I came home because it was cold and I didn't have anywhere to be but my host mom wasn't back yet from her business trip, so I was forced to fend for myself for dinner...... rather than feel like I was stealing supplies from the kitchen, looking clueless shopping in the store, or even touching the precious kitchen of my host mom's great hobby of cooking with my germ stained hands, I headed out to eat. Unfortunately, I don't live near a big station, so restaurants are not easy to find (and I've never looked for one in my area much....). After riding my bike around the area close to my small station Shin-maruko, I decided on udon soup at this shop with pictures of edible looking food in the window and names I could read.

I walk in and it's completely empty... is this usual for a Sunday night at 8:30? dunno... so I sit down and order the "Yama-kage" thinking it's noodles, egg, and maybe meat. What I get is a giant bowl with tons of noodles and an egg that was raw until it was halfway cooked by the heat of the broth.... yes, it's edible but barely....

And then I realize just what this brown broth with frothy egg and green onion looks like - the dirty water after cleaning my kitchen floor, frothy with soap bubbles and pieces of food from the floor...

........ugh.....

At 735yen ($5) I've eaten SOOOO much better for cheaper, specially close to school......

Well, it proves wrong what a friend told me, that there is no such thing as a really bad meal in Japan......... while mine wasn't BAD, it certianly was on it's way there........ I should have just asked them what was in the soup instead of just guessing...........

WasedaSai & Bennie K...

2006-11-04T06:55:00.000-08:00

...was so awesome!

http://picasaweb.google.com/HikaruClaire/WasedaSai (Photo gallery)
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4697624056208570249&hl=en (Concert clip)
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6142357766902043559&hl=en

Bennie K's concert was so much fun! though they started late, it was certianly one of the best concerts I've ever been too ^_^ they are just so full of energy! Yuki in white is so cute and sweet, while cool、sexy bombshell Chika kicks ass with her awesome rapping! They did thier own hip-hoppin' version of "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" and came out for one more song when everyong shouted "Encore!!!"

I was surprised that there weren't so many people there, for such a famous band.... also, there was mostly Japanese too, not many international students or foriegners... oh and I was so tall, i could see easily ^_^

thank you, thank you Rod for letting me burn your CDs and introducing me to the カンペキDuo of Yuki and Chika!

what did i do, other than Bennie K..........

I hung out with my friend Orie, eating delicious festival food (yakisoba, fried bananas) , watching male cheerleaders the Waseda Breakerz (just imagine high school cheerleaders, but all guys... they even smile too much too...) , and talking to the Manga club about joining thier club......

so, Tomorrow～～～

I'm going to wear my yukata and help out at the International club Niji no Kai (Rainbow Club) Takoyaki booth!

...Yes Kodai, i'm making Takoyaki for the Gay Club :-P

Oh, Masaki, there is a club called GLOW (Gay and Lesbians of Waseda) I don't know what they are about, but if i have time tomorrow, i'll check it out ^_^

Well, see yah later~~~

Goodnight and good morning (depending on what time zone your in ^_^)

Halloween is always strange....

2006-11-03T06:05:00.000-08:00

I met this guy as he was passing out flyers for an "American Style" Halloween party at Christian Youth Center in Mitaka. I struck up a conversation with him as to what he was doing here in Japan with the Christian organization... so of course we start talking about religion in Japan and I tell him my own complicated fusion of religious beliefs that include my Catholic upbringing, my Lutheran liberalism, my Aikido and Tai Chi ki philosophies, the Matrix, and the Force from Star Wars.

And then I realize........

I'm telling this to a 6'6" guy named Kermit ("Like the frog", he says), dressed in a panda suit.....

Life is strange...... so I took a picture ^_^ Isn't he adorable with my Chibi-Panda?

Clubbin', Sokeisen, some Halloween

2006-11-03T04:19:00.000-08:00

As I settle into this life, I am calming the travel demon I was posessed with that would not let me sit still, ever quietly urging to keep moving...... Thus, I blame the demon for not posting in the last week :-P

I think that if I was back in California, this past week would have busier, with me readying a great Halloween costume. I think that no how old I get, I will never lose my Halloween spirit ^_^

Though I had been told that no one in Japan celebrates Halloween, I saw some signs on it; in flower shops selling Jack 'o lantern pumkins (different from the sweet, hard variety found in most supermarkets) and some guys wearing witches hats and capes and giving out candy at Takadanoba station near Waseda.

I had my own crazy Halloween times... I went clubbing all night and then when to Waseda vs. Keio baseball game!!! A friend Bob wanted as many people as possible to get together and go to the supposedly famous Ageha Club in Shinkiba (the middle of almost nowhere). It certianly did seem to be hoppin' for thier was a LONG line of people waitin' to get in, many in costume for the club's Halloween party. However, what Bob forgot to mention was that they would be very strict about IDs and age restrictions. While me and my friend Kaoru were getting lockers, a bunch of the guys in our group galloped ahead and got in before us, no bothering to wait and make sure we could get in too. So when me and Kaoru finally got to the entrance only to find that they wouldn't let Kaoru in (she's still 19), we called them and they only response they had was "well, i dunno what to tell yah, sorry." Oh, and by then the last train for home had already left.

idiot men.....

I could get in but not wanting to ditch my friend (unlike some guys...), we hopped on the free bus ride to Shibuya the club provided for shuddling those who couldn't enter, hoping to find more to do than train station, club, 7-11 Shinkiba. I was surprised that for a free ride, I got to cross Odaiba's Rainbow Bridge (usually $15, one way) and get a great view of Tokyo Tower. I'm really glad I didn't ditch my friend.

We did go clubbing that night, but at some place in Shibuya. It was fun but felt SOOO much like a high school dance. except with a bar and EVERYONE smoking... also, none of the giggly, idiot-headed, overly tanned Shibuya girls knew how to shake thier asses... to bad Kodai doesn't like to dance, I'd love to clubbing together with him sometime, but definately at a nicer place than that one.

However, my night didn't stop there... after crazy dancing all night/morn, I crashed at a cafe under Shibuya station, caught about an hour of sleep, and was off again to the Sokeisen (Waseda vs. arch-rival Keio University)! But this is no mere baseball game.... this is a sports event that puts every other American version to shame. Male students in black uniforms run around the stands encouraging everyone to keep cheering, no matter how hoarse their own throats are getting. Everyone stands up when thier team is up to bat. In the name of good sportsmanship, the cheer squad of each team preforms some cheers on the opposing teams side. Everyone singing togething in one voice, "Ganbare, ganbare, WASEDA! WASEDA, WASEDA, WASEDA!!!" I used to hate baseball for being too long and slow, but this could make anyone love the sport. I want to see how a soccer game is here in Japan...

I survived my 48 weekend~ Waseda won against Keio! But I think I'm still catching up on sleep... (for some reason I seem to wake up in the middle of the night a lot from dreams... I don't remember what about.)

What else is up? I finished reading Piers Anthony's "With a Tangeled Skien". I wanted another book to read.... I joined the Aikido club and my legs still hurt O.O well, I wanted it tough... I'm in the Waseda Illumination project to decorate part of Waseda in Christmas time and the commitee picked my design ^_^ Hopefully it will get final approval.

Today was a day off school, but I didn't want to do much than talk to Kodai... I kinda wanted to go somewhere, so I took a bike ride along the Tamagawa River for an hour... that was nice, the road is flat and the weather is still pretty warm, despite it being November...

Oh also Waseda's culture festival is this weekend~! So many things are happening, like concerts, club presentations, I'm helping out at a Takoyaki stand, it should be interesting ^_^

all life is not an adventure; sometimes it's just "meh". I wh

Testing, testing....

2006-10-24T06:55:00.000-07:00

Some things frustrate me enough to make me reconsider whether living in Japan and raising a family here is a the best idea. One of such things would be Japan's test taking system and rote-memorization education system.

In Japan, it seems like your life is a test; in order to move on in life, you must past a test. A test to get you from elementary school to a good junior high, which is supposed to prepare you for the test to get into a good high school, to prepare you for the test to get into a good college, which is supposed to guide you into a good company, which takes fresh grads with no experience, trains them, and gives them lifetime employment (though this is changing); but this is if you can pass the company test that is part of the entrance interview.

In order to do well on the test, after regular classes are over for the day, almost all students attend extra "cram-school" which specialize in certian subjects like English, mathimatics, and natural sciences, studying 4 or more hours.

According to Wikipedia, "the aim of a cram school is to impart as much information to its students as possible in the shortest period of time. The goal is to enable the students to "parrot," that is, to unthinkingly repeat, information that is deemed necessary for particular examinations. Cram schools are sometimes criticized, as indeed are the education systems in the countries in which they are prevalent, for the lack of training their students receive in critical thinking and analysis." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cram_school)

If you don't pass the University entrance exams the first time around, you either give up and go straight into the working world, or you become a ronin, spending another year studying for the next entrance exams, sometimes 18 hrs a day. And what is college life? Friends, Nomikai, part-time job, Nomikai, maybe study a little, Nomikai, Nomikai, Nomikai~~!

Was there a point in going to school in the first place??? Ryosuke, I salute your courage to buck the system when you were young. All my international student friends, please make good your opportunity for more choices in life.

You may learn good test taking skills, but this method sure doesn't breed broad, free-thinking minds.

Students in Japan never learn writing skills in English; they focus on grammer points (even then, I see so many funny mistakes, I wonder if they really ever learned anything...). I am very interested to know what people learn in other subjects in school... But as far as I can tell, Speech classes or a Critical Thinking class would never be a undergraduate general eduction requirement. (I will look into what those are at Waseda too...) If the companies take care of new employee training, how does your University and school education train you for your future?

I'm trying to think back to my high school days to remember what I learned... I remembered challenging my math teacher that learning sine and cosine was NOT essential to my dream future job of being an art teacher (that dream is a little different now...). But I know I learned a whole lot of how to write; thesis development, organization, quotation, ect. I may not be to easily sit down with a list of new words and just memorize meanings like a human dictionary (**Rraah! Polly wants a cracker! Rraah!**), but I can argue my point (thank you Debate: Politics and Govn't class).

Every student I've talked to about the test taking system agrees they dislike it, but don't know how to change it. Social change is slow in Japan, and when you've had one political party in control for 50 years, that doesn't speed things up either. Then again, Japanese culture stresses not upseting the status quo or open expression of opinion and the educational system doesn't strive to inspire free thought.

When ever I'd imagined "Japanese-ness" I'd thought of fierce samurai spirit or graceful beauty or cutting edge technology. Until maybe this year, wanted to feel like I wanted to"belong" to Japan, that it was better than America; it carried an exotic allure.

It's still alluring, but not quite as exotic.

So, a question to answer in the future: What does it mean to be Japanese? What are the positive and negitive aspects? What have those of 2nd, 3rd, or 4th generation missed out on?

These are some of the issues that I reflect upon, as I consider my long-term possiblities of life here in Japan.

Souviener gifts from dreamed of Okayama

2006-10-18T06:56:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, my host father Hitoshi-san returned from a business trip to Okayama prefecture. My host father knew I was interested in Okayama since my boyfriend is from there, so he brought back souvenier gifts, tourist maps, and pamphlets!

Okayama is famous for the Japanese folk tale of Momotaro, the Peach Boy. In the story, super strong Momotaro gives Kibi-dango (buckwheat mochi) to a dog and monkey so they will join his journey to kill a mean Oni (orge-demon). Thus, Kibi-dango is a common souvenier from Okayama. It was pretty tasty, but I think I like the freshly made ones that you can buy in the touristy, old style town Asakusa.

One of the pamphlets that Hitoshi-san brought back was on the traditional style garden in Okayama City, 後楽園　Koraku-en (Later Pleasure Garden）. It looks so beautiful, I can't wait to go! That is... if I can go...

Kochan! Be brave! The depths of my heart tell me that everything will work out, but it depends on you now! I believe in you and trust you completely that you will find the words to say what needs to be said, so please believe in yourself and know that love will carry you past your fears.

A Tale of Old Houses

2006-10-17T04:24:00.000-07:00

Well, it certianly has been a while since I posted... I have been writing for my Japanese blog for language practice, but I should use this too to share my viewpoint of my experiences, right? ^_^

After being frustrated with Japan's drinking culture, I was ready to see something different... last Monday 10/9 was a holiday here in Japan (Taikukan, or Sports Day) and a day off of class. Though there was a festival at Takadanobaba near school, I didn't feel like spending the hour and half to get there. (I don't think I've mentioned that before... I live in Kawasaki-shi, kinda far from school... it takes 50 min-1hr 20mins to get to school, depending on if I time the train transfers right.)

So... with my host mother, we went to what is probably my town's only famous feature: Nihon Minkan-en, the Japan Open-Air Folk House Musuem. (Click for the website)

Traditionally styled Japanese homes are know through the world for thier unique architure. (Though I'm not an architure buff, so I don't know really WHAT is so noted...) But nowadays, there are not many craftspeople with the knowledge and skills to recreate such historic style. But thier are still some remaining homes and buildings that have withstood the test of weather, usage, and time. Those that are remaining are considered national treasures, just as the people who still practice the traditional arts of old are considered living national treasures. However, not every owner of these historically valuable homes recognized thier worth, sometimes being negligent in the care of the home. To preserve these irreplacable buildings, in 1965 my city Kawasaki-shi begain to relocate them from all over Japan to the Minka-en (民家園). They currently have 25 buildings, including a family-owned soba-ya (buckwheat noodle restaurant), shrine, and a Kabuki stage, as well as displays of tools and untensils inside the homes and buildings to illustrate the lifestyle of the people who lived in them.

Some houses you can walk almost all the way through, and some you can only look in from the outside. However, because of Japan's hot, humid summers, most of the homes have sliding doors that open to catch an occational breeze.

There was also some cultural demonstrations by voleenters, such as basket and straw shoe weaving (not easy!), traditional cooking methods (pot over a fire), and plays at the Kabuki stage. Of course, since no Japanese museum would be complete without a place to buy snacks and a drink, you can have lunch at the soba-ya (restaurant) and get a drink from the vending machine. (They're everywhere! I think the only place I have NOT seen a vending machine was at a shrine...)

These homes really have an aura of being well-used and well lived in... and died in. I think that I would NOT be able to spend a night in on of these drafty houses... many have a large space between the foundation and the floor and lots of attic space, space where more than just dust bunnies and moths haunt (＞ロ＜；）...... (hehe)

Overall, I think this open air museum is definately worth a visit.

Drinking, Money for Friends

2006-10-06T08:07:00.000-07:00

There have been a lot of drinking "Welcome Parties" in the month that I have lived in Japan, and as fun as they can be and as stupid as they are, one thing is for sure; at 2500 yen or $25 each they really lighten the wallet.

It seems that drinking parties are intergral to the social life of the Japanese (university students, business men, housewives and friends), especially the cornocopia of Waseda's clubs and cirles. Although people do meet each other by sharing the same classes, it's more common to try to make friends by joining a club with people who you share a common interest with. But no matter what club or cirlce you're in, eventually they will have a Nomikai (drinking party) to build community spirit.

I see my host parents have a beer or a glass of wine almost every night with dinner. My Ojiisan certianly loves his strong, cold sake. Every night, coming home on the train, I see salarymen (suit and tie company employees) with red cheeks and noses, sometimes even smell it.

Japan is a drinking culture and since my mother doesn't drink much (except for Bob's martini's, right mom? ^_^) I have not been been raised in a social drinking enviroment.

Sure, sharing a drink with your buddies is cool once in a while. But these all-you-can-drink parties, especially in large clubs like Waseda International Club (WIC), border on almost frenzetic, as people try to drink as much as they can to prove thier strength, out drink each other, and make thier entrance fee worth it. But I've seen too many students so drunk they can barely stand....

What pains me is that I feel like unless I go to the nomikai's it's hard to make friends with the people I've been meeting. I call them for lunch or to go out for the weekend, but often they are busy. I joined the Waseda Illumination project which will decorate some of the campus with lights for December, since I love design and would love even more to meet different people not in WIC. I went to an introduction meeting last Thursday and afterwards they were going to have a drinking party to meet the new members. I thought "No, it's a Thursday and I have school tomorrow, I should go home." But I was halfway home when my ambigous feelings flared up, and when I got home I was angry at myself for walking away from a chance to meet people and make friends, later angry at myself for being such an impatient idiot.

They had another info meeting and party on Friday, so I made that my evening. Yes, it was fun and interesting (though I'm getting tired of giving my self-intoduction...), but the food was very average and I didn't drink much, so even though I meet some people, I ended up regretting that I hadn't been pinching my Soseki's tighter...

I think when it comes down to it, you gotta pay to make and have friends. I once hear from a friend that she didn't want to join a soriety to have to pay to have friends and in Japan, I feel the same way. I don't like going to nomikai's to pay for the opportunity to make friends.

I will keep looking for my own way of making friends without paying an arm and a leg. I've been hanging out in the WIC clubroom at lunchtime, I want to join an Aikido club, and I'll be starting a small, part-time job at Waseda's Biligual Writing Lab (the first in Japan! I didn't know they don't have these... but that's another blog).

I'm still looking for my own way... but I know I'll find it. In the meantime, Thank you for the invitation but I think I'll pass on the Nomikai, thank you.

Professors profess, not teach

2006-10-03T06:52:00.000-07:00

I have heard two very different viewpoints about Japanese universities and classes. Some people say "Oh, wow, Waseda is a really prostegious university! Attendance is really important and the teachers give a lot of reading, so make sure you plan your study time!" The other view says "Your going to Waseda? Lucky you, Japanese university is a four year vacation, a treat after passing the hellish entrance exam and before entering the mundane work world. Students never study and have huge drinking parties every night!"

I have yet to see which is really true, but I guess that the first is an outsider's view and the second is an insider's view.

But no one has mentioned much about Waseda's level of education or the professor's teaching skill, though I've heard from friends many can barely speak English.

After today's Tranlation Studies class, I'm beginning to question the "prestigiousness" of Waseda.

The professor is Toko-san and from his looks, he can't be older than 30. He usually teachers small 10 people translation classes at the larger, Japanese-speaking literature department of Waseda and does freelance translation work. I also asked him how one becomes a university professor in Japan, and he told me that you just pass an examination to get a license. No formal training.

This is his first time teaching at the SILS branch of Waseda and first time teaching in English. Even if the room hadn't been so hot from the number of people, Toko-san still would have been sweating I'm sure.

So now this young, inexperienced teacher had been assigned to teach a class of 150 students. According to the schedule, we are supposed to turn in 6 translation assignments for our total grade. With no TA to grade translation assignments and no group work, there is no way he has time to read all those papers. Also, he has so important office responsibilites to fufill (I gather that the professors and faculty here often act as staff too), he cannot be in class at the time slot (Tuesdays, 1-2:30). So he has cancelled 2 classes a month, and moved others to Wednesdays at 6:00 pm.

There is no way I want to show up at 6. I want to be home at 7 to have dinner with my host family.

No one seemed to be asking any questions directly about this HUGE issue of schedule change (how Japanese....) so I raised my hand and complained.

And the teacher asks ME how to solve the problem. I'm not the teacher here! This is an issue of responsibility that should be solved between the professor and the university, not the students. Sure, I could think of a good way to teach this class, make it a partially online class, do more group work, more projects. But that's not my job, it's his. Why is he doing office work when he has a class of teach?

Because I don't think he's very good at teaching. He strikes me as a bookwormy guy who is more interested in using students and thier assignments as research for his PhD disertation rather than teaching students how to translate.

I wonder, if this guy is a teacher now, why can't I be a teacher now too?

At least he has lessen the translation load to compensate for class size. And he won't take roll on the 6 pm Wednesday classes. That means the requirements of the class are show up the 6 times we have class on a Tuesday at 1 and hand in 2 translations, your choice.

I feel a little bad for the guy. Obviously he has been handed a situation that he couldn't say no too (very Japanese too... They don't want to say "no" to a troublesome situation for fear of making a bad situation for someone else). But the fact that there is no grading critera and no clear syllabus or any sense of preparation for this class makes me wonder if my home campus San Francisco will count it.

My biggest wonder is the educational standards of Japanese schools... I already know that the methods for teaching English here in schools is horrible; they don't teach any conversation skills, just vocabulary and grammer concepts for taking tests.

If possible, I want to become a teacher who can raise the standards of education and the standards of teacher training.

Remember Beginnings

2006-10-02T06:47:00.000-07:00

Recently, I realized I have been writing like an adventure novel; every time is an exciting event, a new place explored, meeting interesting people. But really, in between the exciting bits are times of sad, quiet loneliness.

When I left for Japan, I thought I realized what it meant to leave all my friends behind; to leave the life I had built for 2 years.

Now I do.

It means not having a friend to call up at the last minute to get out of your house and go somewhere. It means when school is done, and you can’t find someone you know to hang out with or a new friend to meet, you are on your own. The friends are there, but you have to find them, like searching for seashells among the sea of life’s rough waves.

The days I have plans with someone were good; something to do, somewhere to be. Even if it was an official school thing, it is ok because I know that I will meet a face I recognize and can socialize. Those days give me purpose, meaning. But the days without a plan or a friend, in an empty house because I woke up late and my host family is at school or work, those are the hard days. On those days, If I let my attitude grow dark, let gloomy thoughts like “This sucks, I have no friends,” or “Every day here is a day without my boyfriend”, if I let myself think that, I can become easily depressed.

On the days without plans and I can’t contact someone to join me, I decide to go out by myself. It’s not something I’m used to, but it’s necessary because I feel lonelier if I stay home. I go to a famous part of Tokyo I don’t know well enough yet, discover what shops and restaurants exist, go people watching, or try to have a conversation with someone. (I met a guy that I played DDR with at a game center in Shibuya on Saturday ^_^)

On the days without plans, I think “Well, maybe I’ll give myself a break today and rest, watch some anime or write my blog.” But I feel I am missing out on my study abroad life by staying home too much. I didn’t come here to Japan to sit in front of a computer and watch anime! I’m here to experience the culture and it’s people that inspired the anime! To fulfill my goal of fluency!

That is another problem I’ve discovered, my purpose in being here. For almost 2 years, I have prepared, no LIVED for this time of my life. All my thoughts about earning and spending money, every time I met a new friend, everything was about studying abroad in Japan, about getting here. I have to get to Japan, come to Japan, Japan, Japan, Japan!

So I’m here.

…Now what?

I never could have anticipated that I would feel purposeless here, with no class until today and too much free time. Japan is a love of my life, land of my dreams (and now, reality)…why have I not been enjoying everyday like a new adventure? Last years visit was like a storybook (albeit the language barrier between me and the friends I stayed with); why am I not enjoying living here as much as I did visiting??? How did I so quickly loose my wonder?

I have to remember, back to 2 years ago, when I was just leaving high school and just starting DVC. I didn’t have any close friends I could meet daily. I talked a lot on the phone to Nick, a high school friend. I came home right after school, studied Japanese like a maniac, and went to my part-time job in the evenings. I worked Friday nights and Saturdays. I watched a lot of anime, alone. I went to anime club, but even now I don’t remember who was there that first semester. I didn’t eat many meals out with friends.

I have to remember how to start a new life. I met some today who said that this is like being a freshman all over again, and she’s right. Starting anew is not easy, but I’m trying my best, and I don’t want to give up. I know I’m good at meeting new people, so I use my confidence to my advantage to make many friends. I have been SO looking forward to my Japan life that my expectations have been high; I am learning not to expect too much too fast, from myself and from others.

So, my new mottos for myself: Enjoy each new day as a new experience. Life is happening in the here and now, so mentally live in that time and place. Life is what you make of it, influenced by life’s circumstances but not governed by them. 難しいけど、ムリじゃない！”It may be difficult, but it’s not impossible!”

Today was the first day of classes and already things have begun to turn for the better. I realize I love the school atmosphere ^_^ I look forward to what I will discover in the continuous flow of the river of life.

Geek out time!

2006-09-26T20:46:00.000-07:00

I think that I have been stifling my inner otaku for too long.... so last Saturday was the day to release the pressure and just geek out.

I hopped on a train, met a fellow CSU SF friend Robert at Shibuya, and together we travelled two hours to go to.....

TOKYO GAME SHOW 2006!

For a long time, I've heard of this open to the public event, where for the price of 1,200 yen ($12) you can test all the new and upcoming games, plus they give away tons of promotional stuff for playing. It's a giant PR event where the customers win.

Of course, since I'm a big Final Fantasy/Kingdom Hearts fangirl, I zoomed over to the SquareEnix booth. ^_^ yay, PS3, more Kingdom Hearts games, more FF7 games to be released! I'm seriously considering buying a Japanese PS2 and some games ... maybe I don't have time to play now, but when I come back from Japan... umm, japanese practice? heheh... the PS3 isn't that special though... I don't really care sorry ^^

What's wierd is that every company's booth hires a harem of women to dress in skimpy vinyl costumes to hand out flyers... and tons of men line up and gather to take thier pictures. A little skin can still sell anything, I guess. Their were even Maid Cafes where you could play 2 player cellphone games with girls dressed up as maids at little tables on cute little chairs...

Also, I didn't know it, but this event is also a pretty big cosplay event for video game cosplayers. ^_^ I chatted with some of them to find out about cosplay events. The tall guy with the elf ears was really cool, he wasn't shy at all to talk to me... that's often a problem, since cosplay in Japan is not mainstream and the people who do cosplay are not always the most social people. I'm still searching, so maybe I'll find some good connections soon. ^_^

Oh and on the way to the place where the Tokyo Game Show is heald, you pass right by Tokyo Disneyland. It looks so cool, I can wait to go there with my boyfriend in winter....

Good soil-ed family to grow in

2006-09-23T08:46:00.000-07:00

(picking up from where our adventures last left off, pre-spider scare...)

My first Friday in Japan, however, was the long awaited day… the day I would meet my host family! I was just excited as everyone else and maybe a little nervous too…Would I have a curfew? Would my host mom be able to cook? Do I have to sleep on a Japanese style-futon? Would I have enough closet space for all my clothes?

After a final orientation at the college and a pizza party courtesy of WIC and Niji no Kai, we made our way back to the hotel lobby to await meeting our host families

Of the 24 people in this program, about 12 chose a host family. The families came about every 10 to 20 minutes apart. They would walk in the door to be greeted by Kazaoka-sensei, while we all sat, expectant and nervous, wondering if our own turn had finally come…

Waiting, Waiting…. I thought they were going to be here at 3:30 but it’s almost 4!

Waiting…………………

But my worries were put to rest when Kazaoka-sensei finally called my name after a middle aged woman and her daughter entered the hotel lobby….

By the hand of fate (namely Kazaoka-sensei’s) I am spending my year with the Harada family in Kawasaki City, in Kanagawa prefecture, about 30 minutes from Shibuya Station, and 1 hr and 15 minutes from school.

In the car ride from the hotel to my new, year long home, I think the first impression that I had of mother Yumiko (who I call Yumi-san) was that she was very patient and understanding. My 19 year old host sister Yuri-chan is very energetic (in Japanese, 元気 genki), because she is not shy at all and loves to talk (at least that first day). We talked a lot in the car as we drove, and I think in that first conversation, I talked about my boyfriend, Cosplay, anime, why I decided to study Japanese, my family, all my Japanese friends back in America, what I might do with a degree in Japanese…. Basically all Claire things ^_^ I am me, and I can never change that, nor would I want to.

I arrived at their house and was mildly surprised… It is very western; a 3 story house with high ceilings, wallpapered wall, and a kitchen table with chairs. The first floor is the entrance way with 3 bedrooms (mine, my host parents, and Ojiisan’s), as well as a bathroom. Upstairs is the kitchen, dining room, and family room with the TV, as well as the bathroom and washing machine. The third floor is Yuri-chan’s room and her brother Shuhei’s room (he’s studying abroad in Las Vegas this year, so I don’t know much about him other than what my host family tells me, like how he’s a food connoisseur ^_^) My room is good sized, with enough closet space, a chest of drawers (I can store all my clothes!), and windows for lots of light. I also have a bed yay! Not a futon! And it’s long enough for me!

I like this house because the doorways and ceilings are not that low, like some other older houses in Japan. The shower room is nice and wide, which is nice for me because I like to pace around a bit for some reason.

I may live a bit far from school and “the life”, but I don’t mind because I don’t have to live in cramped place and mindspace. I love Tokyo, but I don’t want to always live in that and the box apartments. (They don’t call it a shower closet for nothing…) I need to keep my living space calm and quiet so that I can form a peaceful mindset after a busy, activity-filled day. When I’m out, I’m out, when I’m home, I want to feel “at home.” This is something I’ve discovered about myself…

Later that first day, I met my host father, Hitoshi (who I call Otousan) and Yumi-san father, my host grandfather (who I call Ojiisan).

But it has been over the past couple days, I’ve slowly begun to get to know my host family a little more and more. Yumi-san is a part-time English teacher at Yamaha private English school for ages 1 to adult. (The toddlers and kids usually learn though rhymes and chanting to music, and the school age and adult classes use more traditional methods, but with music. It is Yamaha after all ^_^) She is really, really, REALLY good at cooking. I’m so lucky, I wanted a host mother who could introduce me to delicious Japanese food … and I lucked out! Yumi-san also takes a hip hop dance class twice a week, and occasionally plays the music while she cleans the house. She also spent time in England when she was in college, so she loves British tea ^_^ She made me scones for breakfast twice!!! Sometimes in the morning, we share a cup of tea together over breakfast or at night after dinner

Yuri-chan is definitely an energetic, spirited young woman. She took a year off from high school to study abroad in Los Vegas. She loves ballet and is pretty good at it too it seems (on the wall of the toilet room downstairs is a poster of some famous ballet star, but instead of the star’s head, Yuri-chan’s picture is there ^_^) She has an American boyfriend named Chase who’s 22 that she met while she was studying abroad… so she completely understands my situation. (She said that she was Chased and got caught ^_^) She will be graduation from high school soon and also works part-time at a Japanese BBQ (yakitori) restaurant, so she’s pretty busy. She’s saving up money so that she can spend her Christmas vacation in Las Vegas… to see her boyfriend of course ^_^

Otou-san is in his early 50s and works in the office for a Japanese oil company. He went on an overnight business trip to Hiroshima, so maybe he has a pretty good position. He loves soccer (especially our town’s team) and volunteers at the very close by Kawasaki City soccer stadium. (When they have games there, I can hear the crowd’s cheers from my window). He seems like a gentle man who likes nature. He also spend time in New York City in college. Also, he has a black belt in …Aikido!!! Maybe he can help me with my form later…

Ojiisan is 75 but still rides a bicycle, even when a little drunk (like after going out to eat dinner). When I first met him, he asked me to guess his age, so I told him I thought he looked 50 ^_^ He said he would buy me a present for being so nice. He used to work for a plastic factory making the plastic that is used for cameras, cellphones, computers, applicances… all that stuff. I also discovered that he is good at playing the harmonica. He’s a little hard of hearing and he doesn’t speak in nice smooth sentences so it’s still hard to understanding him. But I try to greet him politely every time I see him and ask him something, just to keep open to conversation with him. Maybe sometime I can learn enough Japanese to ask serious questions about Japan’s difficult past………

Overall, I think I live in a quiet residential town not too far from “it all” with a very international family who are experienced at hosting students (this is their 6^th year) as well as being international students, and are understanding of their students various interests.

If I had chosen to live in the temple, I think I would have been VERY lonely, especially at meal times. By chance, fate, or efficient study abroad program directors, I think my life ahead of me is rooted in a good place with good support.

Now, if I can only catch up with writing this blog…….

SPIDERS!!!!!!

2006-09-19T05:32:00.000-07:00

And who says that things in Japan come in small sizes?????????????

I was relaxing on my bed, listening to music, when something on the ceiling caught my attention:

A HUGE FAT SPIDER.

Not just big, we're talking trantula-size, except less hairy and cute. Like the size of my hand.

I couldn't even try and get close enough to squash it, it was so freaky.( Maybe I've seen too many spider monster movies..........) I tried to coax it into my small laundry hamper or then skish it with an umbrella.... no go.

Everyone was gone from the house, except the grandfather, called Ojiisan. I feel like a wimp for asking a 75 year old man for help. He also tried to skish it with tissue but that damn thing was fast and it ran from the corner to the middle on the cieling. I tried once more to futilely get it to fall into the laundry bag, but only managed to make it fall to the floor. I screamed as it skuttered around the floor and finally dove into my closet.

Oh shit. Now I can't see it. I feel like I'm one of those horror movies, knowing the monster is somewhere out there, just waiting to attack.........

I closed the closet trying to offer myself some assurance that at least it could come out.... maybe.

My host mom came home, and I told her the story. She said it's very rare for spiders to be that big.... She was searching for some spider spray when we saw it, on the wall above the enterance way. She stood on the stairs and sprayed to make it fall, and then Ojiisan got it with a tissue and sent it to a watery grave - the toilet.

After this experience, I think I hate spiders.

Tokyo hearts, Waseda Clubs and drinking!

2006-09-18T07:32:00.000-07:00

It has been a busy couple of days. Since arriving here in Japan on Tuesday the 12^th, I’ve met my fellow CSU students, the Niji no Kai (Rainbow Club … they don’t know the gay symbolism ^^) and WIC (Waseda International Club), had 3 drinking parties, toured Shinjuku and Harajuku, met my host family, and began to get settled into my life here in Japan.

*Whew!*

Although a lot has been going on, I’m not too busy to take a break to contemplate. That is, after all, part of the reason why I’m here; to learn Japanese – the people, their way, the country, and the language.

On Thursday 9/14 we went with WIC and Niji no Kai on a short tour of Shinjuku (visiting the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building) and Harajuku (visiting the Meiji Shine and Takeshita Dori, the rock and Lolita fashion street). I was amazed by the view of Tokyo from the top of the unbelievably tall Tokyo Met. Gov building. On a clear day, you can see Mt. Fuji, but that day was NOT a clear day…it rained pretty hard ^_^

But what really stuck me was how between all the modern high-rises and apartments building that dot the Tokyo skyline, the are still the old parks, temples, and shrines. No how modern Tokyo becomes, the essence of the old traditions still remains, in one form or another. This is true not only for the city’s buildings, but also it’s people. No matter how modern or how “western” Japanese people seem to become, at the deep core of their hearts they are still traditionally Japanese. The outside of a person or city does not tell the full story of what lies deep within the heart, mind, and soul.

At the end of Thursday, the clubs put on a join Welcome party, my first introduction to Waseda student party life; in other words, drinking culture. Wow, when they drink, they drink. I’ve had quite a few parties at Raymond’s house that I thought were crazy, but we didn’t drink like these people drink. The president of the WIC club, Teru (his name means brilliance, similar to my nickname Hikaru, light) was out drinking everyone and going from table to table in our small private drinking room, loudly asking everyone in accented English, “Hey are you FANTASTIC?!” He was wearing an “I love LA” hat and a “UCLA” jacket and if you talked to him, he would tell you that he graduated from LA – that is, he finished a 1 month summer program. Yes, Teru, we know, we know, you GRADUATED. “But I DID!” he would reply ^_^ What a guy. Later, after the party and before Teru and others went to drink AGAIN at a British style pub, Teru was standing in the middle of the Waseda Club Rotary, attempting to sing the US national anthem. I can’t say I’ve heard worse, he was so out of tune ^_^

What was also interesting was the traditional way for clubs to end their festivities. Everyone gathers in a circle, holds both hands out palms up, and, following the club president’s lead, everyone claps their hands once together. I will look into where this tradition came from….

Written on the plane

2006-09-15T20:56:00.000-07:00

Hello! This is what i wrote on the plane before coming to Japan. I should have posted this earlier but i forgot.

Claire
----------------------------------

September 11, 2006 2:46 PM (CA time)

日本にいってきます！I’m off to Japan!

As I sit here on the plane typing this, so many emotions are flying through my heart and mind, filling me and emptying me at the same time; I feel like I could laugh or cry, dance for joy that I am finally achieving my dream or shiver with loneliness as I am leaving all my important people behind…

The last couple days seem to reflect these dual (but not conflicted) feelings. The Wednesday, Thursday and Friday before I left, there were some things to do and I felt the weight of those tasks, but I just wanted to keep spending time with my boyfriend. I love him and miss him so much, even now…..

Why do I write this? Because I want to remember. So many don’t seem to remember such an important time at the beginning of a journey. But I learned long ago from literature that beginnings often foreshadow events to come. So if we are attentive to the present and remember the past, we can more adeptly direct our futures. The keys to the future lie in the past, I believe.

I want to remember the kindness that so many people have shown to me. Gifts of money, gifts of friendship, and gifts of support. I am really grateful for the wonderful dinner by the Mantei’s, the generosity of my mother that has largely afforded me this opportunity, and amazed by the huge surprise party that my DVC friends secretly planned for me. There have been so many farewell parties, I’m sure the collective well-wishing will be more than enough to last me beyond this year ^_^. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Everyone.

As much as I miss you all right now (none of the program people are sitting next to me, I feel a little friendless U.U) I also know that it is time for me to make my future. Every act and word will be recorded in the memory of some person, and I want to make sure that all memories of me will be positive ones. Just like my efforts at DVC, I want to know as many people as I can. This is different from being known by many people. To know someone is to care about them and listen to them, to be empathic and understanding. This is my goal, to be myself and in doing so, shine in the lives of others.私は光ですから、ぜったい光ります。

I continue towards my shining future...........

First Days

2006-09-13T07:59:00.000-07:00

***Yaaaaaaaaawwwn***! ハ～ロみんな。。。今日は長かったから、今ちょっとねむいです。そして、早稲田大学な友達とたくさん日本語を話した。

すかれた～

In english, I would say "Stick a fork in me, i'm done!"

Anyways, today was the first full day here in japan. I feel like I have brought San Francisco's weather with me, because it's been cloudy and drizzlely... I have yet to see the sun here. And when it's wet like this, it makes it difficult for the people who have lots of luggage (like me hahah).

Well so yesterday, we just arrived at the airport and some of the Waseda students met us at the airport and helped get our bags onto carts. Then we rode a chartered bus for 2 hours to get from Narita to Takadanobaba, Tokyo.

On the way there, I saw Tokyo Disneyland. ^_^ it looks soooo cool i really hope to go there.

Once we arrived, there were more helpful Waseda students to help us with our bags. I was saved by a guy named Jin-kun. Without his help, there would have been NOOOO way that I could have carried my giant duffel bag by myself.

After we arrived at the hotel and moved our bags to our rooms, we had our first meal in japan...

Pizza!

Yes, that's right, i'm in japan and i'm eating pizza at Shakey's.

That's was mostly it for Tuesday... Today is where thing really started.

We had our first day of orientation and got a lot of questions answered and raised others. I haven't read the whole packet yet, so i'll wait to write about it till i do.

I can say that i have spoken more japanese in one day than i think i spoke in a month of japanese class. And it's tiring. I don't think i would have ever realized how tiring it is to just talk.

But i'm really glad that the japanese students who are helping us are patient. Without that, I may have cracked already....

oh and i had donburi for lunch ^_^ it was tasty and only 580￥. and later I found 1000￥on the floor so i got luck and didn't have to pay anything for lunch, in a way ^^

Also, may people here are suprised about my nickname and that I have a Japanese boyfriend. they ask me so many questions, it seems like they really want to meet him, i think ^_^

After a walk of waseda that included practice using the train and bus, I was interviewed for host family placement. the program leader, Kazaoka-san said that my personality is really apparent. I wonder exactly what she means by that?

Then we had a great dinner at izakaya-style restaurant. but most people cared about the alcohol... this Japanese-american girl Momo-chan had 9 drinks (mostly plum wine, umeshuu) i'm amazed how much this group drinks.

After that, we went to karaoke! yaya! it's been to long since i went, i'm glad we decided to go again ^_^

next time: i will describe the group of people who are in the program with me, and more about the program here at SILS of Waseda!

Claire

一週間後

2006-09-04T13:48:00.000-07:00

日本に行きます！

早いね。。。Was it really just a short while ago that I was taking summer classes at DVC???

これはたぶんアメリカでさいごの日記かな...and I don't know what to say anymore.... i have been talking about this moment for 2 years and now it's about to come true....

本当に夢じゃあない？ I'm not dreaming, right?

I guess i dont' know what to say....except thank you to everyone for your kind words of encouragement. Thank you to everyone who has helped me here in American and who will help me in Japan.

ありがとうみんな。

This is the beginning of my long-awaited future. I will work hard, study hard, play hard, and make this the best year of my life!!!

News and A Thank You

2006-08-22T20:07:00.000-07:00

Thank you everyone (those who has posted comments here or those who have talked to offline) for your encouraging words! The last few days have been difficult as that the eminant separation from my dearest people has been really hitting home. But the kind, encouraging words like yours help me to keep my positive attitude. I will strive to hold on to that positive attitude to face the awaiting challenges without reservation!

On the news side, my shopping list is slowly being crossed off as I purchase the items I need. This past Friday, I went to Fry's and got 2 webcams, 2 headsets (one for me and one for my family - yay for the world's most money saving invention Skype!), as well as a 1 GB Flash drive (i named it KAMINARI which means lightening in Japanese. get it? Flash drive, my name Hikaru? hahaha) and a wireless network card, handy for making my laptop more portable. I just hope that it will all work for me in Japan because hardware and network issues are NOT my speciality....

Recently, my beloved Canon PowerShot SD200 no longer desires to function for me so rather than get it repaired, I went ahead and upgraded by buying a refurbished Casio EX-S600 super slim card camera - in orange! At 6 mg resolution rather than 3, and even smaller design and a color that i can't mix up with anyone else's camera, i think it will serve my purposes well. You'll be the judge, as you will see the images on this site! It will be delivered tomorrow so i'll do some test pictures then.

Some other things i plan to do to prepare include emailing everyone i know to tell them about this blog, visiting my old high school and seeing my teacher's reactions when the find out what i'm doing, buying a warm winter coat, and having farewell dinners with my friends and family. I know a lot of people, so it's hard to give time to every equally.

Well that's all that's on my mind for now i guess. oh and my mother bought a new Dell desktop with 2 gb of RAM ^_^ it's better than my boyfriends Mac hahaha. anyways i'm off to UPS to go pick it up since i missed the shipment earlier.

So till next time........
(20 days and counting)

boyfriend, family, temple housing, & 28 days and counting

2006-08-13T14:44:00.000-07:00

Now we are past the one month mark. Part of me asks "Am I REALLY going to Japan and not coming back for a year???" After all the hard work, is this a reality? I'm excited to go, but it's just so hard to believe that I am actually going...

As my time in America is becoming shorter, i think of meeting or spending time with my friends and family for the last time in a long while. My mother and me took a spontanious vacation to Montery, having a girls time sipping cocktails in the hotel lounge, walking on the beach, building a mermaid with seaweed hair, and going on a shopping spree at the Gilroy outlets. It sort of feels like my birthday, with my mother buying me tons of clothes and not saying "Choose one or the other, but you can't have both."

She is spending so much on me, I wonder if it is too much. I guess I am used to the attitude "If you want it, you have to pay for it." I usually pay for any new clothes I want, my bills like my car insurance and cell phone, or my contacts. But she is buying me a ton of clothes and even paid for my contacts. She even sold her old catering equipment and put the money into my fund for Japan O.O My mother's generiosity and support of my expensive ambitious is amazing. I am very thankful and glad for her.

I also have begun feel the pangs of lovesickness u.u My boyfriend took a trip to New York for the weekend while i went with my mother. I am always leaving for trips for a few days and leaving him behind... I am caught up in my event while he is left sit and think of how soon i will come back. But didn't understand how he felt until now. The moment i come home from my trip i want to go to his house and see him - but he's not there.

Is this the pain of long distance love that i face while in Japan?

*SIGH*...
(>:-<) But I am strong! I can take it! がんばります！

On another note, my International Programs office called me this week to offer me alternate housing in Japan as a sort of scholarship. They wanted to know if i wanted to live in a temple rent-free for my year abroad.

A temple O.O

I would live in a one-room, furnished apartment in a 4 story complex on the grounds of a temple. I would have to cook for myself in a shared kitchen on the 4th floor and the bathroom was shared. I also would have to sweep some of the temple grounds and dust and vaccum a room of the temple.

...would i be Kagome from Inuyasha??

But I also heard that this was really independant living without much interaction from the students or the temple people. I really want to have daily interaction and have to communicate with other Japanese. It is really nessecary for me to improve. Also, I'm hoping for a nice Japanese mother who will cook me delicious Japanese food ^_^ And if you know me and how long it takes me to get around to cleaning my own bathroom (like a week after my mom says "Clean your bathroom!!!" hahah.....) let alone someone else's cleaning...... So i turned the offer down.

It would be nice to know what my housing situation will be (i don't know yet...) but i don't mind.

Well, back to cleaning my room and putting away all my new clothes ^_^ Till, next time....

28 days and counting..........

5 weeks and counting....

2006-08-04T09:50:00.000-07:00

...and I think that i have really begun to get into the "mover's mindset".

This is the increasing thoughts such as "Oh i should get rid of some of the stuff i have so that i don't have to store it" or "Oh i'm not going to be able to take this with me, i'm going to have to buy a new one there" or "Oh i might not be able to buy this there, i should stock up now or remember to as a relative to send me more later."

Just this morning as i was arising from the depths of sleepy dreamland to the static, broken chorus of music being blasted from my alarm clock, I found myself thinking, "Oh hey i'm going to have to buy a new clock when i get to Japan, i wonder if it will be able to pick up good radio stations in Japan..."

Yesterday, while drying my hair as I was getting out of the shower, i thought, "I wonder if i should take my hairdryer with me...? Oh no wait, when i took it last year it really didn't work well, it was so weak because of the voltage difference."

I think travelling and especially long term travels begin not when you pack that suitcase and hop on that plane, but when your mindset has changed.

My body may be sitting here at work typing this blog (don't tell them i'm not working ^_^) but my mind is sipping a milk tea and eating a curry pan, walking the streets of Asakusa.

5 weeks.... 5 weeks.......

Schools out!!!

2006-07-26T15:11:00.000-07:00

Ahhh! Finally! As of today, I have offically completed my lovely junior college years at Diablo Valley College.

The past 6 weeks I have been taking my final required classes to complete my transfer to San Francisco State University, an English lit class and a pyschology class. i wouldn't have had to take the english class if i had only taken a critical thinking english class instead of a critical thinking sociology class >.< doh! but oh well, i have enjoyed both classes, even though it has ment a lot more writing.

true to fashion i am adored by every english teacher i have (except for that bitchy woman in high school... i hated her so much). I don't know why English teachers seem to consider my writing mild genious... i think it's ok most of the time, sometimes i'm impressed with what I have created. just like my art, though i haven't done that in a long while.

What has been really interesting though is that because of the massive heat wave that has hit my area (120'F!), there have been some massive electrical problems at my school so they cancelled ALL classes for two days. Two days, and this is supposed to be finals week! I didn't care though, because my pysch class ended on that day and the teacher Pitner emailed us and told us that he had to leave town and would all just get As on the final! ehehe, Paul Pitner you are an awesome man.

With my mind no longer on DVC or English work, hopefully i can refocus on preparing for studying abroad and studying Japanese.

Ganbarimasu~!

Another hurdle cleared

2006-07-23T23:04:00.000-07:00

So after months of waiting, this study abroad process (ha! maybe circus!) is getting less nebulous and more certain... i really, officially am going to Japan, and now i am really, offically a student of Waseda University ^_^ yes!

This letter helps me get my visa from the japanese consulate... helps, but doesn't make it easier. I had a bit of a run around on Friday trying to get everything done... i don't know why, but they want a picture of you with a white background and no smiling... i guess government is a serious business and no time or place for happiness. just look at the DMV people ^_^

I also opened my CitiBank account that i will use in japan. me and my mom open one together so it will be easier for her to send money. hopefully my host family will be near an Citibank atm (i hear there is one in Ginza) so that i don't have to go to so much trouble to get money.

The more "offical" things like getting this letter or opening the account get done the more i feel like my trip, no not trip, 日本に新しい生活 (new life in Japan), is coming quickly... i went to a japanese grocery store this weekend and i bought nothing, not even my favorite ミルクティー(milk tea), thinking, "this is overpriced, i'll be in japan soon anyways."

huh. so soon... it's really coming, and it's coming soon........

i look forward to it, but am not overlooking the good times i am still in the process of making here at home.

Every New Beginning Is Some Other Beginnings End

2006-07-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

...So says the band Third Eye Blind . You can take a step forward to the future without leaving something behind.

I am stepping forward to my future, a future that is sure to be at least in part in Japan.

what am i leaving behind...? Family, friends, my boyfriend, my junior college DVC, a way of life that i have know for 20 years, my dependency, and hopefully my misconceptions and sterotypes.

...and i'll probably forget to take some things with me, like enough socks or patience ^_^

So welcome to my Blog, A Twist of Fate. This is ment to chronicle my life for my upcoming year aboad in Japan studying at Waseda Universty in Tokyo, and beyond. By recording my life, both in writing and in pictures i want to better understand myself, my environment, and those who affect me.

They say that these are the best years of your life. Maybe, maybe not. But no matter what happens i want to remember them, and make them memories to never regret.

So, to my shining future...Cheers and Kanpai!