Realizations

~Originally written July 2010~

I've often thought to myself, "Why am I here i Korea? What am I aiming at creating by being here?" Even though nearly a year has past me by, these thoughts still come to me. Even though my life in Korea is excellently enjoyable, events that have occurred in my life here have simply fallen in my lap. I have not really been the instigator of change in my life.

I was riding home on the subway, thinking about these kinds of thinks and thinking of past desires, the former vision of my future - becoming an English teacher in Japan, marrying my Japanese boyfriend, having Japanese-American kids- and suddenly it struck me. "This is the Claire without Japan."

There was a time about 4 years ago, when somebody asked me "What is the Claire without Japan?" At that time, I made my passion for Japan my everything. My entire self-identity was endlessly entwined with my love of Japan. I sincerely and honestly believed that I needed to change myself, subdue my passionate personality for a boy to love me. I sincerely and honestly believed that I needed to emulate a culture and a people to be loved by them.

In my year in Japan, I realized the ugly truth - the ideal I'd subscribed to was not "me" and as much as I loved Japanese culture, trying to be Japanese was not being "me".

I think at that time (probably from when I was in DVC at 18 to at SFSU at 22 years old) I was acting as "me" but the things I thought I wanted for myself (a Japanese boyfriend, the search for self-affirmation from people I barely knew and who barely knew me) was misguided. I wanted to impress others with a special skill they could not easily attain. I wanted to set myself apart from others by making the unusual choice to reach outside of my comfort zone .

...even now, I made the choice to come to a new country with a difficult language and radically different cultural rules and norms. Though I've managed to adapt and learned to speak a good deal of Korean, the transition has not been easy.

But... I have obtained that niche I have always sought. I am a fluent English speaker with skills in Japanese and even Korean. The important thing is that I now realize the parts that are "me"... and that as my life changes, I will continue to change. For the better, I hope.