Recently, I realized I have been writing like an adventure novel; every time is an exciting event, a new place explored, meeting interesting people. But really, in between the exciting bits are times of sad, quiet loneliness.
When I left for
Now I do.
It means not having a friend to call up at the last minute to get out of your house and go somewhere. It means when school is done, and you can’t find someone you know to hang out with or a new friend to meet, you are on your own. The friends are there, but you have to find them, like searching for seashells among the sea of life’s rough waves.
The days I have plans with someone were good; something to do, somewhere to be. Even if it was an official school thing, it is ok because I know that I will meet a face I recognize and can socialize. Those days give me purpose, meaning. But the days without a plan or a friend, in an empty house because I woke up late and my host family is at school or work, those are the hard days. On those days, If I let my attitude grow dark, let gloomy thoughts like “This sucks, I have no friends,” or “Every day here is a day without my boyfriend”, if I let myself think that, I can become easily depressed.
On the days without plans and I can’t contact someone to join me, I decide to go out by myself. It’s not something I’m used to, but it’s necessary because I feel lonelier if I stay home. I go to a famous part of Tokyo I don’t know well enough yet, discover what shops and restaurants exist, go people watching, or try to have a conversation with someone. (I met a guy that I played DDR with at a game center in Shibuya on Saturday ^_^)
On the days without plans, I think “Well, maybe I’ll give myself a break today and rest, watch some anime or write my blog.” But I feel I am missing out on my study abroad life by staying home too much. I didn’t come here to
That is another problem I’ve discovered, my purpose in being here. For almost 2 years, I have prepared, no LIVED for this time of my life. All my thoughts about earning and spending money, every time I met a new friend, everything was about studying abroad in
So I’m here.
…Now what?
I never could have anticipated that I would feel purposeless here, with no class until today and too much free time.
I have to remember, back to 2 years ago, when I was just leaving high school and just starting DVC. I didn’t have any close friends I could meet daily. I talked a lot on the phone to Nick, a high school friend. I came home right after school, studied Japanese like a maniac, and went to my part-time job in the evenings. I worked Friday nights and Saturdays. I watched a lot of anime, alone. I went to anime club, but even now I don’t remember who was there that first semester. I didn’t eat many meals out with friends.
I have to remember how to start a new life. I met some today who said that this is like being a freshman all over again, and she’s right. Starting anew is not easy, but I’m trying my best, and I don’t want to give up. I know I’m good at meeting new people, so I use my confidence to my advantage to make many friends. I have been SO looking forward to my
So, my new mottos for myself: Enjoy each new day as a new experience. Life is happening in the here and now, so mentally live in that time and place. Life is what you make of it, influenced by life’s circumstances but not governed by them. 難しいけど、ムリじゃない！”It may be difficult, but it’s not impossible!”
Today was the first day of classes and already things have begun to turn for the better. I realize I love the school atmosphere ^_^ I look forward to what I will discover in the continuous flow of the river of life.
4 comments:
Claire, You are so right about your attitude. You are being true to yourself and allowing the story to unfold instead of forcing the pages of your expectations open. Be patient with yourself, stay committed and a myriad of unexpected beautiful things will come you way, as long as you stay open to it. I do so love to read your reflection...a true treasure!Plum-san
I'm sorry you're feeling lonely...I've been there. This might sound weird, but learn to revel in the loneliness. Too often we depend on others to give us happiness. Sometimes if you take a little time to get to know yourself, you might realize you actually enjoy being alone with your own thoughts. You're on the right track though, don't try to "do" anything, just go out and soak up everything you see, experience life and the culture. For me in china this was a simple as walking by and watching a man cooking noodles on his porch with his dog...^-^
I feel the same way, except I'm kind of used to being alone. I hate that I get scared and feel like I can't do anything. I don't like when I get lost (happens a lot). I'm frustrated that I can't have an intimate conversation with a Japanese person (which means 95% of people I meet). I think most of us feel the same way. You write well.
>>Anonymous 2
Revel in the loneliness... hmmm. I try to not be too dependant or need on people. And I try to notice more ordinary things...Like as I was walking home from the train station one night, I notice how quietly and beautiful the sound of rain falling... I took my Ipod out my ears to hear it
>>Plum
Thanks ^_^ I hope I can continue to be aware of my thoughts as the swirls of school life speeds up.
Post a Comment