Japanese Politeness - Overstayed Farewell Party

Yesterday I went to my friend John's host family's host for a Farewell Party that they were holding from him. I remember from the first time he emailed me about it, I was really surprised that his family was willing to open their house up to complete strangers and invite us to have a party. In the US, this isn't something so surprising, but in Japan where one's private face is carefully concealed, people don't socialize in the ultra-private intimacy of each other's homes. I have only twice before been to a friends' house, once each, even though they were both living alone.

So being invited to another's house is a big deal, even more so because it was John's host mom who suggested that he invite some people over. He said he would never ask for anything like that and I wouldn't think of asking my host family either (though when I asked my host mom about it later, all she could do was say how surprised she was that I hadn't had a party. "ALLLLL the other previous students had had parties, but Claire doesn't have good friends in the CSU group and you weren't here for your birthday, so that's why." (-_-;)) Oh, and it's almost expected for you to bring some sort of gift to your host,like a bottle of wine or dessert, but I when I asked John about it, he said i didn't need to bother. But I regretted it later...

I got to John's train station relatively on time, exchanged quick introductions with John's 2 other friends Hannah and Tokano and we walked to his house. And WOW! what a house! It' a REALLY big house,western style, with a security gate and even a garden!!! They must be pretty loaded.... What kind of people does John live with?? I was expecting younger people of about late 40s to early 50s, but once we were ushered awkwardly in the door, John's host mom Satomi-san was more of an grandmotherly woman, who's aura (after a few minutes of conversation) just EXUDED traditional Japanese housewife, seemingly polite and respectful.

Takano had brought a cake for dessert, which they graciously accepted. I felt a twinge of guilt for not being a better guest(o_O) Oh well, they'll probably just blame it on the fact that I'm American anyways...

The party turned out to be a much more formal event than I would have thought, with fancy fish and German wine and beer. They sat us down at the table, laden with plates, chopsticks and many dishes. Then the interviews began.

"Where are you from? What is your major? What do you study at Waseda? How do you know John? Can you eat fish? Wow, how did you learn to use chopsticks so well? Do you live in a dorm? Why do you live with a host family? What is your host family like?" With all the questions that Satomi-san fired at me, I had the feeling that this party was not as much for John as it was an opportunity for his family to meet foreign students. She also keep talking about John right in front him, like "Well, John is always like this" and "He ALWAYS likes this". It seemed a bit awkward, but I tried my best to make it more of a conversation by asking my own questions.

As the evening wore on, the wine glass continued to be refilled. They even gave me a cup of sake and asked me a couple times to have beer. I was at least a bit buzzed, but John's 30 yr old host brother and wife were certainly outright drunk. And poor Takano, they just keep pushing beers into his hand saying "Don't be reserved! Please drink more!!" We took group photos and listen to John play the piano. Ah, I felt like a kid at my aunt's house...

So at about 11, John turns to me and asks me in English what time my last train is, and if I want to stay the night. It was raining like crazy and I thought since he was asking, that it was already OK with his host mom. But since no one else was staying, I thought it best to head back. Figuring the time of my last train from Shibuya was at 12:40, we thought to leave the house at 11:45.

At this point, no one in the family said ANYTHING about what time the last train was, nor did I think anything about if it was getting late for his host family. In fact, we were all really still just chilling, so I wasn't trying to "guess" or "feel" if Satomi-san wanted us to go, though she didn't give those hints either, since she just kept asking us if we wanted more wine or beer or cake.

When we were just about set to take our leave, Satomi-san ran up and asked us to sign a guestbook, which took a bit of time. Me, John, and Hannah set off to walk me to the station. It wasn't until I had already left the house and was on the street that I realized Takano wasn't with us... huh? John said that Takano realized that he had already missed his last train, and Satomi-san had reluctantly said "Well, i guess it be helped" and let him stay. So why don't you stay Claire? Well does your host mom mind? "Dunno, let me ask." I called my host mom, and she was cool with it.

But when he came back he had a very confused expression on his face, since she had been really reluctant, saying stuff like "Well, it's a little bit difficult, and she is a girl, so won't her host parents will worry about her she doesn't come back?" I felt instantly bad right then, like I was imposing on Satomi-san kindness. We were debating what to do as we walked to the station, only to find I had missed the last train by 1 minute... We walked to Hannah's host family house since it was close to see if I could stay there since a girl staying over wouldn't cause as much of a problem, but no one was away to ask permission from so that was a no go. Me and John ended up making out way back through the heavy rain back to his place. I waited on the porch, hearing him mom say "So how was it?" (more like "did she go home?") while he made his explanation that she didn't seem so happy to hear. But once again saying "Well it can't be helped!" I was let in.

But this time as I stepped in the door, I felt a certain change in her attitude. I was not the guest that had just left, more of a bothersome child to care for. I was nearly ordered to take off my wet clothes as John was ordered to fetch me something dry of his, just as soon as he wiped up the water that had dripped onto the floor from his soaking pants. Even after I changed, we sat around being interviewed as she waited for Takano to finish drinking another beer that she had put in his hands, even though he drank 4 cans of beer and a bottle of red wine. I really wished that she would just decide to go to bed and leave us 3 to casually chill for a bit, but she didn't show any inclination to leave us "unsupervised". Definitely in charge, she was the one that said, "Well I'm sure you're all tired so it's probably best to get to bed," sweeping us off to our separate rooms. She even woke us in the morning, making breakfast from last night's leftovers, even though I would have preferred to leave ASAP as to not impose any more on her, but to refuse a meal already prepared would seem ungrateful......

It was only once we left that we found out why she had been so reluctant to let us stay: Her eldest son was coming in the morning, and she needed us gone so she could prepare the next big feast and also so he wouldn't know that there had been a party he didn't know about. He lives a bit far away and had NOT been invited to the party the night before since he would have had to stay, which would have been a trouble for her, since she would have to care for him the whole next day.

Sheesh!! What kind of family does this to their kids?! What kind of person doesn't make it politely yet obviously clear when it's time to leave??

...a Japanese one.


I just wonder if I am at fault for not "knowing" when to go home, or she should have made it clear that she was going to be busy the next day and couldn't afford any overnight guests.