Boys and boyfriends

Oct. 2010 - a goodbye dinner for Lukas with Chris

If you get married, do you have to stop seeing your guy friends?  This is a question I've pondered on many an occasion, specially since arriving in Korea.  I'm an open, independent person who grew up as a tomboy between two brothers.  I always felt like I got along better with guys than women, probably because of my interests in video games, so I've naturally gravitated towards making friends with guys. Even though I had a boyfriend, spending time with my many guy friends has never been an issue. 


When I moved to Seoul, I noticed something a bit different about the relationships between men and women; with the exception of  young children or close relatives, adult Korean men and women hardly ever mingle socially.  Girls and women tend to form closer friendships with other women.  (Korean women can often be seen walking around  hand-in-hand or arms-linked.) Even if a women has a close, childhood guy friend, she will rarely meet him after she marries and would NEVER meet him unaccompanied.  


From books I've read and conversations with Korean friends and co-workers, I've learned that unlike other Asian countries, Korea is significantly influenced by Confucianism. "Confucians taught that a virtuous woman was supposed to uphold “three subordinations”: be subordinate to her father before marriage, to her husband after marriage, and to her son after her husband died." (Wikipedia) It seems that Confucians also supported separation of the sexes - separate housing for female and male servants at the royal palaces, separate school facilities, and the general formation of friendships.  


I've seen this trend among my young Korean friends.  I frequently to go on hiking trips through meetup.com, but my boyfriend Donghee rarely has the time/money to come with me. When I've met Korean guys on the trips, they often exclaim, "Oh, why isn't your boyfriend with you?"  Does this mean Koreans have an expectation that a guy should always accompany his girl or she should spend all her free-time with him?


I enjoy a large social network comprised of men, women, guys and gays. I enjoy the uncommon diversity of people. I want to enjoy my life's most significant relationship along with my friendships, ideally allowing them to merge. I would feel suffocated if I confined my socializing to only one or two people. I want to share my friends with my boyfriend, and I want him to share his friends with me.  I believe sharing our friends can add depth to our relationship. But to Donghee and other Korean friends I've asked, people usually don't introduce their girlfriend or boyfriend to casual acquaintances.  One time I called him and asked "Who are you hanging out with?" and he's nonchalantly replied, "Oh, it's all people you don't know."  I asked, "So, why don't you introduce me to them next time so I can know them?" He told me, "Why should you know them? There isn't any real reason for them to know you..."  Does anyone really need a reason to be introduced to another person?


There is also the issue of spending time with other men, even if you have a boyfriend. As I said before, I never really considered this an "issue" until my first Korean ex-boyfriend (another guy before I met Donghee) expressed displeasure when I spent time with other guys one-on-one without him.  Well, to me they were good friends, not dating possibilities.  I began to think that Korean men can get easily jealous and possessive... 


When I started dating Donghee, I was careful to explain to him that I've always had a lot of guy friends and even one of my best friends in Korea is a guy (shout out to you Chris :) Donghee is a somewhat traditional-thinking but relatively easy-going guy, so it didn't seem to be an issue.  


However... since last week, many people Donghee knows (like his college friends, his internet friends, and even his boss at his part-time job) started telling him that it's not "proper" for me to be hanging out with other guys with out him.  He called me to talk about this and I was annoyed at their statements' lack of logic and highly surprised at Donghee's sudden tendency to agree. Besides, who are they to comment on our relationship??? 


I extended this topic to the conversation I had tonight during a sidewalk BBQ with my downstairs neighbors, a middle aged Korean couple . (They like me because I eat kimchi and try to speak Korean. A REASON TO TRY TO LEARN KOREAN, all you long-term ex-pats!!!! >:D ) They have a daughter who is about my age, and she's already married with a 9-month old baby. I asked them how would they feel if their daughter started meeting other guys for something like language exchange, how would they feel?  The father replied that he would warn his daughter to be cautious or even dissuade her from meeting him.  He agreed, it's specially not "proper" for a married women to maintain close friendships with another guy.


To me, friendship is gender-blind. There is no reason why men and women can't have platonic relationships with each other. Problems only arise if one person's spouse lacks trust in the other and becomes jealous or suspicious. 


...Am I naive to think in this way?  


Thanks for reading this long post. Comments are GREATLY appreciated.

Catching Up

Even though this year of 2011 is just a little more than half-way over, a lot has happened the last few months...

The early months of January to March were spent shivering bitterly in the unforgiving Korean winter cold. I also restarted Korean classes after a 6 month hiatus, this time at Sookmyeong Women's University. The classes were Mon/Wed/Fri from 7-9 and I was commuting from far northern Seoul so the schedule was very tight. I remember I didn't really have any time to complete the homework and I was often tired/ lazy on Friday nights, so I occasionally skipped class. I decided to put more effort into studying Korean than attending Taekwondo class, so I kinda stopped going regularly... A lot of good friends also left, and other good friends came back. I agree with the Buddhist idea of life as a wheel.

Just like the Korean weather, when things heat up, it does so with a furious intensity. April, May, and June seemed to have rushed by, I can barely recall what transpired... also, my hard drive crashed in June, so I lost A LOT of photos, haha.... I guess when you take many pictures, you tend not to remember the actual event... maybe it's a disease of our modern era...?

Anyways, in March I bought a bike and a sewing machine, determined to make tons of cosplays and circumvent Seoul via cycle. (Both goals have yet to be throughly accomplished, due cosplay funds being diverted to traveling money and the crappy Korean weather preventing much biking). I also was introduced to a few new friends in about April, so it has added more depth to my life in Seoul. However, they don't live in the same neighborhood, so we can only hang out on weekends.

Hmm, what else? Oh I'm still cosplaying. I recently completed Julia from Tekken cosplay to compliment my boyfriend's Mokujin cosplay. I'm still active in cosplay and I'm dying to get started on a new project... any excuse to romp around Dongdaemun :)

Also, my mother came to visit me in Korea. I think this was the turning point of my life in Korea. I have grown used to many aspects of everyday life in Korea. For example, how to use the subway or how to read Korean letters. When my Mom came, I realized Seoul can be confusing to a new arrival. I had to take care of my Mom almost as if I was the mother and she was the daughter! Maybe this was a foreshadowing of the future when she becomes really old and invalid...? I don't know.... but I do know I'm really glad she came to visit. So few people really understand the scope of my life, and I'm glad to know my mom can relate to some of the important people who now populate my life. It's comforting to have someone understand you and your life situations. I appreciate my family and my mother, but I would prefer to have a few more close friends who understood me and cared about me in the same way....

As for late June and July.... insane craziness. My job piled up the workload and shortening the deadlines. I was determined to finish my contract with a good recommendation, so I chose to work overtime to meet their deadlines. Did I get any thanks? F*ck no. As a slap in the face, they decided to get rid of me early so they wouldn't have to pay my severance. That school was even threatening not to pay my regular salary if I didn't finish all this documents (30 worksheets for their summer camp) by a ridiculous deadline of 3 days. That job was really stressful so in the end I'm glad I didn't have work their silly summer camp.

So what do you do when you in a crazy stressful job situation? ESCAPE TO PARADISE~~! I made the most of my 2 week vacation in July and travel to Sri Lanka and Malaysia. I didn't really get a good chance to research my trip ahead of time, so I landed in the country without any idea of what to do or where to go... luckily, I was traveling to Sri Lanka to see my college friend Charlene, so I could depend on her heavily to plan my one week visit. I had many unforgettable experiences in Sri Lanka, like visiting ancient ruins, following the footsteps of Indiana Jones in the highland tea fields, and exploring the Temple of Buddha's Tooth. More than that, I got to spend quality time and reconnect with a dear friend.

I went to Malaysia with much the same idea in mind - to visit friends and hopefully travel with them. In the back of my mind, my image of Malaysia was a tropical paradise. Visions of relaxing on white sand beaches and jungle trekking floated in the back of my mind. However, this time around, those vision apparently were not to become reality. I didn't know that Kuala Lumpar is quite far from quality beach hang outs and jungle trekking requires 3 to 5 days. Not only did I not allow enough time, but I arrived in the wrong part of Malaysia. *sigh*... I did have a time seeing other college friends in Kuala Lumpar, so that part I don't regret. I will make sure the next time I take a trip, I will research it throughly and try to go along with someone - travelling alone just isn't my cup of tea.

So after nearly 6 weeks of being off work (yay, finally a summer vacation~!!!) , tomorrow will be the first day of a new job. I don't know the details, but I'm very lucky that it's close to my house. Also, I have an interview for ANOTHER job, this time in Kobe Japan that starts April 2011. I feel like the winds of change are just about to blow.... A new school, a new co-teacher, a fresh start... and slowly approaching a closing to my current life in Korea. Even more than that, to be moving back to Japan, this time with my boyfriend Donghee....

I want to maintain my perspective so I can make sure my life will flow in the direction of my choosing.