Monday, June 28, 2010

Realizations

~Originally written July 2010~

I've often thought to myself, "Why am I here i Korea? What am I aiming at creating by being here?" Even though nearly a year has past me by, these thoughts still come to me. Even though my life in Korea is excellently enjoyable, events that have occurred in my life here have simply fallen in my lap. I have not really been the instigator of change in my life.

I was riding home on the subway, thinking about these kinds of thinks and thinking of past desires, the former vision of my future - becoming an English teacher in Japan, marrying my Japanese boyfriend, having Japanese-American kids- and suddenly it struck me. "This is the Claire without Japan."

There was a time about 4 years ago, when somebody asked me "What is the Claire without Japan?" At that time, I made my passion for Japan my everything. My entire self-identity was endlessly entwined with my love of Japan. I sincerely and honestly believed that I needed to change myself, subdue my passionate personality for a boy to love me. I sincerely and honestly believed that I needed to emulate a culture and a people to be loved by them.

In my year in Japan, I realized the ugly truth - the ideal I'd subscribed to was not "me" and as much as I loved Japanese culture, trying to be Japanese was not being "me".

I think at that time (probably from when I was in DVC at 18 to at SFSU at 22 years old) I was acting as "me" but the things I thought I wanted for myself (a Japanese boyfriend, the search for self-affirmation from people I barely knew and who barely knew me) was misguided. I wanted to impress others with a special skill they could not easily attain. I wanted to set myself apart from others by making the unusual choice to reach outside of my comfort zone .

...even now, I made the choice to come to a new country with a difficult language and radically different cultural rules and norms. Though I've managed to adapt and learned to speak a good deal of Korean, the transition has not been easy.

But... I have obtained that niche I have always sought. I am a fluent English speaker with skills in Japanese and even Korean. The important thing is that I now realize the parts that are "me"... and that as my life changes, I will continue to change. For the better, I hope.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Korean Bus Drivers do WHAT?!?!


It was normal commute to work on Thursday morning - the crowded stuffy bus, the driver taking off like he was at the F1 after each stop and overtaking other slower buses, the gridlocked traffic, and the LOOOONG traffic light 200 meters before my stop. But as we pulled up to the notorious light, the driver did something I never would have expected... in the middle of major thoroughfare , he opened the door, hopped out of the bus with it's engine still running, stood in front and proceeded to light up a cigarette!
My jaw dropped to the ground. I turned to the Korean lady sitting next to me and she was also looking out at the bus driver, though rather disinterestedly. I couldn't communicate my shock into Korean, so I simply pointed outside with a expression of shock on my face. She simply shrugged as if to say "It happens all the time." How can behavior so irresponsible be regarded as average and ordinary???
I walked into worked and retold my tale of the morning's episode to my Korean co-teacher Jaemin. She barely batted an eyelash, shrugging it off much like the Korean lady on the bus. "How can you take this kind of thing so casually?!" I exclaimed. "It's really dangerous for a driver to get of the bus in the middle of the road, not to mention he's in the middle of working and he's suddenly taking a break for a smoke!" Jaemin looked up at me nonchalantly. "Bus drivers' have a kind of special privilege. Their job is very stressful, so nobody really bothers to consider this kind of thing worth noticing. Plus, they know how long the light is, so they'll get back on the bus in time." I couldn't believe everyone seemed to consider this kind of dangerous irresponsibility to be excusable. Is everyone above the law if they find the right excuse? Maybe this was an isolated incident....
I was to be proven wrong. On my way home and at the same light except on the opposite side of the street, what does the bus driver do but open the door and hop off the bus for a smoke!! This can't just be a coincidence... Below is photographic evidence. The first pic is from the morning and the other 3 are from the afternoon, showing the obviously empty driver seat.
Blog readers, what do you think? Is this practice common in other countries? Have you ever heard of this happening in America or Japan?


Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Fan, Friend, or Interpreter? (Part 1)

Three or four weeks ago, I had a rare Wednesday night-out in nightclub-town Hongdae with my Korean friend Seolak to see a live of a Korean band called Achtung. Neither of us knew of the band , but the music was smooth and upbeat acoustic indie rock and the concert (with a totally packed house) was pretty energetic. The lead singer even spoke and sing a decent amount of English. I liked it enough to buy a CD and I listened to it on my Ipod pretty frequently.


About two weeks later I was back in Hongdae on a Friday with another group of friends, Lukas from Czech and Wiyen from Malaysian. We were searching the labyrinth of Gold Bar I, Gold Bar III, and Ho Bar I to VI for some dance club, when Lukas paused to read a sign. “Hey, they have some German band playing at this club. Hmmm, I've never heard of Achtung...” I stopped dead in my tracks. In blind excitement I dragged everyone inside. The show was almost over, but the audience of kept calling for encores. I added my own shouts in English and it was enough to attract the lead singer Cho Seung-Yup's attention. “Hey, I know you...”, he called out. “And I know you!” I replied. He strummed his guitar and absentmindedly crooned out a tune. “I know you... you know me...”, till suddenly he seemed to realize he was still on stage and apologized to his audience, drawing giggles from Korean girls. While he continued into the next song, my heart melted in my chest like hot butter– he'd just serenaded me!!!

After he got off the stage and came round the bar, I approached him and told him how much I deeply enjoyed his music. I asked him if I could buy his second album and... could I buy him a drink? (Yes, this is the first time I have ever bought a drink for a man.)
I had a fairly good time chatting with him about music, his influences, and his inspirations... turns out Seung-Yup knows many of my favorite bands like Counting Crows and he's a big fan of U2. I think it's very rare to meet a musician who doesn't mind socializing with audience members after a show... too many artists seem to want to keep some distance. But we all had a good enough that midnight came and went, we left the first club and changed locales in search of food and coffee, and it's was 3am before anyone mentioned about going home. Though my friends and I considered crashing at a jimjilbang (a public bathhouse with a communal resting space – not for a good night's sleep by any means) Seung-Yup offered to spare us the trouble and give us a ride home in his car! Driving through Seoul in the early dawn hours along the Han River Highway, with none of the usual traffic other than a few rouge taxi drivers, Czechoslovakian Lukas singing along to Bollywood parodies of Christmas songs, sitting in the car of my new favorite band's lead singer- this is a memory which will be forever imprinted into my mind. Life is strange and beautiful.

After dropping Lukas off, Seung-Yup and I chatted a bit and I told him I want to try and become a singer. I sung him my best version of Cowboy Bebop's “Real Folk Blues” and he seemed appreciative, saying (perhaps half-jokingly) that I could possibly sing for Achtung. We exchanged phone numbers and he promised to call me about meeting up again.

Well... tonight was that meeting....
...and I'm too tired tonight, so the story will continue tomorrow (^^;;)

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Darker SIde of Teaching in Korea

I was surfing ELT forums looking for lesson ideas when I discovered this post. The topic was about renewing for another year:
I have a sweet job that I am leaving in a boys middle school and my wife has the same in another boys middle school. Comes complete with a very nice two bedroom apartment for which we pay NO utilities.
EPIK, or anyone, can have it. We are done with the xenaphobia, hate, racism, and irresponsibility of a culture that cannot grow up and make it to the twentieth century, let alone the twenty first.
We are going to Myanmar to work in an international school for half the pay, we are at the top of the EPIK pay scale, but way more job satisfaction and a much better quality of life.
Put it this way, five years here, a school that loves me, the head of the local POE told them to do anything to keep me, yet I did not even get a raise when I renewed, even to the mythical EPIK 1+ scale, not even brought up, utter dreck.
Trust me, there are many who feel as we do and many more who are leaving. As long as Korea remains mired in the Confusian culture that treats non-Koreans as second class citizens with no rights, who are vilified in the press and on the news, and have no respect for laws, contracts, and just plain common courtesy people will be leaving the country and jobs will be open.
As long as Korea requires nothing more than a B.A. (how stupid is that) to teach their children, they will suffer the dubious distinction of being 191st in the world on TOEIC scores, with a population that cannot innovate, think critically, and communicate effectivly in the English.
To put it bluntly, the Korean public school system is losing two teachers, with over ten years experience between them, teaching creds., and CELTAs becuase they treat us like cattle.
If you want to come here, please do, its a nice life for a while, but when the real Korea shows through, as it eventually will, the boredom, hate, and stupidity will reach in and grab you and you will wonder why you ever got off the plane at Incheon.
http://forums.eslcafe.com/korea/viewtopic.php?t=180417

I've heard all this from other sources and from my own experiences too. My co-worker refers to anyone who is not Korean as a foreigner and often asks me questions that begin like "Do other foreigners also do _______?" Unlike this man, I don't have such larges amount of credentials or experience but I do feel how the administration doesn't take my complains or requests very seriously.

These days I'm thinking more seriously about how long I want to stay here. And at the very least, I'm glad I'm not Korean so I have the option of leaving.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Blurring Gender Lines


What is to be handsome? What is makes a man a man? It may not be common knowledge that the ideals of "manliness" do not hold true for all countries. In Seoul, I've spotted quite a few examples of men behaving in ways that men back home wouldn't be caught dead doing.

Take Evidence #1: Pink Cellphone
This lovely shade of princess pink is not a color an average American Joe Smith would likely choose. I will continue to investigate further as to why pink is not a taboo color for men.

Evidence #2: Make-overs at Manskin Men's Beauty Shop
This isn't for a photo shoot or a television appearance. This is taken at a shop entirely devoted to men's skin health and beauty. And from some of the smiles he gave the camera, he seems to be enjoying it....

American men, pay attention~!!! You too can powder you nose a bit and cover up your unsightly pimples!

Evidence #3: Male Manicure
This was shocking even to my Korean friends. A Korean couple are getting a manicure TOGETHER. Korean couples have a very strong "togetherness" factor. They tend to cling to each other like 2012 is tomorrow. My guess is that she talked him into buffing up his nails.


Conclusion:
Concern for a man's beauty is more of a health consideration and has nothing to do with being "feminine". Overall, Koreans seem to place great value on health and hygiene so there isn't anything "gay" about caring for your health.

The pink cellphone though... that's just way out there.

Peace~
Claire

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Rare Connections

Last Saturday I joined a regular meet up with a social club Climbing in Korea for a trip down to Taebak Mountain area for the widely publicized snow festival. Though the city sponsored event was depressingly below expectations (all the snow had melted and refrozen into treacherous ice, they charged fees for attractions on top of an entrance fee, it was more crowded than a Tokyo subway at rush hour), I did get to meet and talk with some new people. If you're a hardworking Korean with an average 10 hour work day and 6 day work week (and no overtime pay), an active social life is difficult to create and maintain. Rather than meet your friends for dinner and drinks every day after work like many Seoulites, I prefer hiking and sports groups as a way to break away for the stuffy, boxy office buildings and remember what nature looks like.

On the Saturday trip to Taebak Mountain, I ended up talking to my neighbor John on the bus, a forty-somethings British guy teaching business English at an academy offered by the British Council. Unlike the average “Native Speaking English Teacher” in Korea, (a fresh grad with almost no life experience, a resident of North America, tall, white, fair skin and eyes because Korean employers prefer a “foreign” non-Asian appearance), John is a former high school teacher and very knowledgeable about literature. Not since I finished my Intro to Science Fiction class and graduated in May, I haven't had an intelligent conversation about literature. Most Koreans don't read storybooks to study English; they memorize grammar rules and word lists to prepare for SAT, TOIEC, and a shitload of English aptitude tests. They judge their achievement by test scores, which rarely ever accurately measure their communicative ability. Competition for educations and jobs is fierce in Korea, and tests scores are unfortunately highly valued for measuring aptitude for everything.

I chatted on and off with John my bus buddy about our favorite books and the different required texts for UK and USA. They read a lot of Shakespeare 1984 but not A Brave New World, Lord of the Flies, or Catcher in the Rye. I talk a bit to my neighbors to the left and behind me too. The conservative seeming guy in his 30s named Kim Sihyung turned out to have one of the most interesting job descriptions I've heard to date: Crash Test Technician for Hyundai Motors. Wow... I mean, wow..... how cool is that?? I asked him if he likes to drive. He replied he dreads to drive in Seoul, a city famous for it's reckless drivers.

I'd introduced myself to Chong Hee, a 20ish Korean girl sitting behind me on the bus, but our conversation had been shorter than a matchstick with a spark which seemed to die as quickly. But near the end of the bus ride on the return trip home, she was collecting contact info from Sihyung and others in the rip and she asked for mine as well. I reluctantly replied that I'd give it to here if she was actually going to contact me someday. Though I knew it would be rude I wanted to be honest so I told her this truth of mine. I've had too many people, Koreans and Japanese, who want to “make a foreigner friend” to practice English, ie use me for free English lessons with a flimsy promise of language exchange. She was a little taken aback by my rather harsh response, but she promise to contact me so we ended up exchanging phone numbers.

When I asked Chong-Hee where she lived I was in for a shock; turns out she lives in the apartment complex adjacent to my school, Moondeok Elementary – the same school she used to attend as an elementary student 10 years ago!!! Talk about coincidences! The chance connection was enough to convince me she was someone worth knowing.

Fast forward to Thursday; I responded to a polite mail from Chong-Hee had sent (Hello, it was nice to met! Let's keep touch!!) and met her for coffee after work. What do you know, our was of connection grew exponentially! She chose to study medicine so she could easily get a green card and go to the US, a lot like more own mother. She studied abroad in SoCal and has visited SF and Tokyo. She even studying English at the same language school where I'm studying Korea!

More important for me, she turned out to be a really strong willed and actively engaging person, though characteristically polite by defering to give me a direct opinion on any topic.

Most remarkable moment in hanging out was the chance to offer insight in the difficulties of cultural miscommunications and their affect on developing relations between Asians and Westerners.. Chong-Hee told me it was difficult to become close with forienger friends because they often never replied to her mails. It's a common practice in Korea (and Japan) after meeting or spending time together with a friend to send a polite mail to thank them for the good time. I told her many Americans would read that mail and say “Oh that's nice, but what does she want from me...?” Without a clear plan to meet or a reason to meet each other, the initial connection dies fast. Koreans and Japanese almost always offer a name or business card as a polite formality of self-introductions.

Also interesting was a moment when my boyfriend Gi-Hyun called me while I was talking to Chong-Hee. We talked for a bit and he asked to speak to my new friend. When I hung up, I asked her what he'd said. “He asked me to take care of you.” This was very strange to my ears at first and I responded with annoyance. Take care...?? I'm an adult, why should anyone take care of me? But I remembered this is Asia and co-dependence upon each other, mutual interdependence, is key to developing close relationships. If you always do everything on you own, without following the group, you can never be close to anyone in Korea.

I explained these conflicts of American values of self-reliance and individualism against Korean values of interdepence and collectivism to Chong-Hee she was throughly shocked. She'd lived in the US for a year, but she said she felt now she didn't know America at all, vowing to studying American culture.

No, I replied. Dont study it, Korean style. Don't buy a book and memorize a list of facts and dates. Live it, experience it, know it, and you'll LEARN and KNOW.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

O Adventurous Year of Being 23


To some people a birthday is just another day to hang out with friends. My birthday, however is at the very end of the year, so this is always a time for me to reflect on the past year's happenings and events.So how ways my past year of being 23?

I think my year was winding river, with many twists and turns in the direction of the flow. I started the year very unsure about what would happen or what I really wanted; I would graduate but I wasn't settled about what job I wanted or what I could even get. I wasn't sure about my future with Japan and the JET program. My group of friends had shift a lot in the past year and I was spending time with totally different groups of people in a city still unfamiliar to me.And then the biggest twist of all, I am now in Seoul, living a life I never would have expected (nor do I have much I can expect, and delightfully so).

But honestly, I think this year of uncertainty has been on of adventure. It has been a chance to see the paths I have walked and make a choice to change course. I deeply believe life is not about "finding yourself" but about MAKING YOURSELF. I feel blessed to have experienced some challenges and been given the strength to make the choice for a path of uncertainty and adventure.


To see the friends and significant people who came together to share my birthday with me was a kind of self-affirmation, a second unexpected twist, Today I spent the morning with my boyfriend Gi-Hyun (if you don't know, yes I met a nice Korean guy. yes, I think Korean guys are more affectionate than Japanese guys, but that's a topic for another diary :) and then went to a cafe in Gangnam station area to meet up with some friends for a small party.



As I was sitting in the cafe, waiting for my friends and Gi-Hyun to show, the brown-grey wintry clouds unleashed their baggage - it began to snow! It was just like the song "Walking in a winter wonderland~~ ..." The normally dirty black streets were suddenly transform in a blanket of white, like powdered sugar on a dark fudge brownie. A snowy birthday, how perfect!







But most importantly....

my friends finally gathered, a cake was brought, candles were lit,
the most wonderful birthday song was sung to me, in English and Korean. As I sat there for a moment thinking of my birthday wish, I looked
at the faces of new friends who surrounded me.
Crazy-fun-talkative-ball of energy Wiyen from Malaysia, cool-laid-back Lukas from Czech, my improv acting friend Meghan from Canada, the ever-jesting Kyung-Uk and sweet Taeun from Korea, and my namja-chingu (boyfriend in Korean), Gi-Hyun. I feel blessed to have only lived in this country for 4 months, but I already feel I know 5 people who really care about me.




As it says on my the birthday card my mom sent me, "It's all about the Journey... and the friends you make along the way."

There will always be a good time. But a good time is always better when shared with caring friends. Thank you to my new and dear friends who made this day very enjoyable.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

"Hallelujah~!" - Handel's Messiah in Seoul

I just come back from a performance of Handel's Messiah at the historic Chung-dong First Methodist Church, in City Hall Station in Seoul. I have to say, they were pretty fantastic and throughly enjoyable. I feel a bit strange that I can enjoy classical music this much, as I really hated it when I was younger.



A clip of "Rejoice Greatly" with the awesome soprano Myung-Sung Han




I used to get really bored and wonder why they were shouting to such loud noise. But after months of my ears swimming in a audio sea of sugary-sweet, "oily" K-pop, I guess the familiarity of this music is comforting to me. My mom played this music a lot at holiday dinner parties, and "Hallelujah" is used in many American films. Also, when I sit back and take in the enormous amount of time and effort the musicians and the choir must have put in to pull this off, I begin to feel that this is not a performance but rather a gift. I think of my old roommate Allison's scholarship award speech that the actor's performance was a gift of sacrifice. Bathed in the waterfalls of sweet soprano voice, I feel the hard work that they have put in. For less than $10 I got to see a professional grade, heart-moving and goosebumps-inducing full on choir and orchestra.

See what people are capable of creating. Isn't humankind fascinating?

Friday, December 18, 2009

Transitions: Part 1 – Work Life

The wind whistles outside my window, once warm and caressing, now cold and biting. It has yet to snow, but most mornings I awake to a pale, overcast sky. The full, shady trees and low, lumpy mountains which shouldered my neighborhood have long ago traded their deep green luster for crisp autumn orange and red; even that has fallen away to the dull, sullen winter hues of stark barren brown.

From late summer to full winter, the seasons of my life here has moved from that uncertain, fluid period of transition called Autumn. More than three months of life in Seoul have already passed me by, faster than I could keep up with recording the immense amount of exciting changes which have occurred. Settling into my new job, new friends in unlikely places, mountains and challenges surmounted, and new perspectives gained

Rather resume my chronicles from where I left of the last time in Japan, I believe it would be more fitting to answer the question which appears most frequently on my Facebook wall: “So, how’s life in Korea? What are you doing these days?” Here’s the longer answer which won’t fit in the 400 character limit of a wall post. :)

When I arrived in Korea, I had literal NO IDEA what my situation would be like. Would I teach 3rd grade absolute beginners or high school seniors? Where in Seoul would I be living and working? After a 10 day questionably helpful and thoroughly mind-numbing and tedious orientation at the National Institute of Education in Hyehwa (northern Seoul), I was told what my teaching situation would be - on the day my school representative and co-teacher Shin Phoebe-teacher came to pick me up. (I’ve quickly learned, the Korean education administration is not known for tremendous advance planning and proactive forethought).

I am working for the Seoul Metropolitian Office of Education (SMOE) in Moondeok Elementary School in Moonjeong, the southeast most corner of Seoul. I am currently teaching the 5th and 6th grades. There are 6 classes in each grade and about 30 students in each class, so that gives me about 360 students.

(So with 360 students, do I remember all my student’s names? I think do pretty well, averaging about 40%. Names like Elle, Jiwoo, and Mina aren’t too hard but names like Young-ha, Ha-Young, Woo-Sung, and Sun-Won often give me a lot of trouble remembering who is who. Some students have English names, but I tend to use their Korean name, since their homeroom teachers don’t know I’m talking about when I ask them about Tom. Students also tend to chose similar names, since they don’t know many English names. In my 6-3 class, two students’ English name is both Grace so they asked me to call them Grace 1 and Grace 2, getting very annoyed when I forgot the number or mixed them up. I eventually gave up, since I prefer Minna and Na-Young anyways.)

I consider myself lucky with my working conditions; I’m contracted to teach a minimum of 22 hours per week, but with my schedule I get an extra two hours of overtime (a nice bit of pocket money for weekend nights out). At first the 5 classes per day schedule was pretty exhausting; I teach from 9-12, get a one hour lunch break , and then one more 40 minute class. By October, I think I got pretty settled into my routine, and it isn’t so tiring anymore. After I’m done teaching, in the afternoon… “lesson planning” (aka desk warming… I’m trying very hard to get over my facebook addiction >_< ). Many other private English academy teachers have to teach 30 hours week, and don’t get paid to lesson plan.

Of course with ever job there are parts you love and part you hate and desperately want to change. I’d say the best parts of my job are the people I get to work with and around. No, not my co-workers, but the students themselves. They delight me, they amuse me, they all too often frustrate the hell out of me with their low English communicative ability, but it’s all worth it when I walk down the halls to lunch and students run to the door as they catch a glimpse of me, give an excited wave and yell, “Hello~ Miss Claire-teacher!!” Every student is trained to greet all teachers with a respectful “Angyoung-haseyo” , but I think I can easily claim the title of most popular teacher, because the Korean teachers give homework and I give high-fives :)

This is my "English Village" classroom, where I live part time. nice and spacey eh? I'd say I'm too busy to use 85% of the materials though...
From December 2009 - thanksgiving and christmastime
Some of my students who made me Christmas cards. Bomi to my left is a awesome student, a bit soft-spoken but really engaged in learning English.
From December 2009 - thanksgiving and christmastime
This is my most memorable student, "HeeHee" Joo Young-Ha. First day of class, I asked him to stand and tell me his name. "Teacher~! Me is HeeHee!" I wasn't sure I'd heard him correctly so asked him why. "Becauzu, HeeHee name funny!" Yes, he is bundle of mysterious ADHD energy. He's a bit camera shy here, but his face lights up like a lightbulb when, on occasion, he understands what I've asked him to do and knows the answer.
From December 2009 - thanksgiving and christmastime


First day of snow at my school a week ago. I ran outside with the rest of the kids, marveling in the dazzling fall of frosty, white fluff.
From December 2009 - thanksgiving and christmastime


A view of the "playground" from the top floor of the school building. Notice a lack of play equipment?
From December 2009 - thanksgiving and christmastime


(From left) Easily my favorite class, this is Michael the clown, Moongyung the English prodigy, and Sang-Chul the shy tiger cub (because of his hair style) I think Moongyung will grow-up to be Minster of Foreign Affairs, and Michael will be a sports newscaster. My favorite Michael one-liner about why I could go back to SF for the break "Because Teacher said the chicken is too expensive!" ahh, the old, "chicken/ticket/kitchen" mix-up. To Koreans, those /t/ and /ch/ and /ki/ sounds are the same.
From December 2009 - thanksgiving and christmastime




So why high-fives in a culture where respect and distance are expected between teacher and student? Where hugs and intimate contact with the students is a cultural rarity?
I’ve figured out that Native Speaking English teachers like myself are hired more for the “foreign presence” and prestige we lend to our schools, and less for our teaching abilities. In other words, many Korean teachers don’t take us seriously. I’m think I’m mostly respected for my work since dramatic “stage presence” keeps the students entertained. So I’ve pretty much committed myself to never taking myself too seriously. I think my job isn’t really about helping low level students to suddenly ascertain English skills, simply by being in my proximity (as I suspect my principal believes), but rather to be a friendly, international English-speaking presence and help they overcome the “us and them mentality” (“I’m no English, I’m Korean.” Ie, I’m Korean so I naturally can’t speak English).

I’d say that the other best and worst are my co-teachers. My I share my classes with a Korean co-teacher, the 5th grade with Yoon-teacher and the 6th grade with Shin Phoebe-teacher. Phoebe is a life saver, incredibly organized and often thinking ahead, a thoroughly appreciated rarity in a sea of disorganized education administration. She speaks near native English and we work really well as a team, usually tag-team teaching. Yoon-teacher is an utterly different story; she’s older, about 60 and our lack of communication often approaches headache-inducing levels. She’s actually a long term substitute who’s never taught English before this. She’s not very patient with listening to me, often seemingly assuming she understood me. Our combined lack of experience in leading a class through a proper English lesson has made my job incredibly frustrating. I didn’t know how to co-teacher with her for the longest time; she’s older than me, but she’s always buying me drinks and food and complimenting my clothing, attempting to curry my favor, but it only makes confused on who has authority. Eventually, I think we’ve worked out a system where we both do some lesson planning a week ahead of time, we sit down and I talk REALLY slowly about what I want to do, listen to her suggestion and decide on a plan. During class, I pretty much take the lead getting the class to do what I want, and she asks as a support, playing and pausing the CD when needed.

The worst of the worst? My textbook. The textbook topics often seem chosen at random and the materials don’t provide that many game or activities for teaching the theme language. The teacher’s book is full of grammar mistakes and was probably written by a Korean. I really want to use more creative activities like drama or art-based lessons in my class, but I’m pretty stuck with “play the dialogue, ask concept check questions, listen and repeat, play a game”, since unfortunately most of my students are low beginners and some don’t know how to read and write. I’m looking forward to the new school year in spring , since I’ll likely be teaching the same students (the new 6th graders) and I can allocate some time to teach phonics to the struggling students and get the advanced speakers into a drama club which I’m going to create.

It’s all in a days’ work, I guess. Almost too quickly, I’ve become very settled in this routine and in this space. I hope though this is merely apart of my day-to-day routine, I can still distinguish differences for the life I knew before.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Those Days – Japan Trip Day 1: Kamakura Wanderings

August 13th, 2009

The next day I must have been severely jet-lagged because I awoke at the hellishly early hour of 5am. I managed to screw my eyes tightly shut and catnap for another good hour, but the loft in Veronica’s place where I slept was directly under the skylight, making any further attempts at sleep rather futile. I think I facebooked for a few hours while I waited till Veronica finally rose. Since I was already almost noon, and I was leaving for Takamatsu in the western isle of Shikoku early the next morning, we decide to head to the nearby historic temple-strewn town of Kamakura.
This was my third visit to Kamakura, but for me frequency of visits does nothing to lessen the charm and mystery of a place so weighted with centuries of history. Kamakura was once the capital city of Japan and the stately architecture of the traditional Japanese homes and buildings belay its former status.

The blue-tile roof mansions with expansive gardens of maple and shrubs and ponds of ancient koi, the moss covered walls of a stone lined stream, narrow, rambling streets lined with cobblestones, and of course temples and shrines as abundant and numerous as Chinese food in Chinatown. If there is any other city in the world other than the Vatican which sustains its economy from religious devotion, Kamakura comes in a close second.

From August 2009 Japan touchstones

Veronica and I rather aimless wandered through the streets, simultaneously exploring and getting slightly lost (which in my opinion is the same thing.) I kept pinching myself to accept the reality; I’m finally back in Japan~!!! We ended up visiting three or four temples, but only the bamboo garden temple is worth mentioning. The front garden is rather standard, though the sloped pathway one must walk to approach the temple gate gives a visitor the uplifting feeling of leaving ordinary place for holy ground. For me this feeling was confirmed as I passed around to the back grounds of this small temple, and was suddenly met with a deep grove of bamboo, its skyward reaching inviting me to let myself be enveloped in their green wooden embrace. As I proceeded along the cut-stone pathway, I felt like I should not let my voice rise above whisper, lest I disturb the tranquility of this towering bamboo cathedral. On a few stems which leaned close to the path, I could see brown indentations, the marks of thousands of visiting hands. In such a place, I am small; this is the feeling of treading sacred ground.
After our bit of wandering Kamakura’s mainstay, Veronica and I hopped on the old streetcar the Enoden and headed to the nearby beach of Yugihama.
Despite living in San Francisco, I had only been to the beach twice the entire summer, and was dying for chance to don my newly acquired bikini (even if my stomach was not as toned as is proper). Even for a Thursday, the beach was really crowded and it took a bit of asking to find a place to change clothes.
As I strode down the beach, I could feel the eyes of many drawn upward in my direction, I remarked to Veronica how no matter where you go in Japan, as a “gaijin” (foreigner) you are always self conscious, never able to be anonymous, somewhat like a of like a rouge celebrity. Such worries were forgotten in lieu of the pure pleasure of swimming in the warm ocean, the soft waves dancing along with me. The sea of this southward facing bay is very different from the violent sea of the harsh, cold, rough northern California coast.


I kept looking around for any cute guys, but they all seemed have stayed home that day. The memory of man, however, is forever burned into my minds’ eye. He SUPER skinny middle-aged man with long shoulder-length scraggly gray locks. His skin was orange-brown from far too much sun and his small, thin, womanly hips he wore a tighter than flattering shiny HOT PINK SPEEDO. The image of him in my mind makes me giggle even now.
After a short walk down the beach, bought ice creams from the “conbini” Lawsons and sat out front on a bench enjoying the melting flavors of ice cream and a summer early evening… ahhh, after so much hard work this summer to move out and move on, training and preparing, I think this was the first time to sit and purely enjoy time as I lay before me; finally a moment of summer.
As we walked back to the station, the dull ache in my head worsened to full-blown headache and I realized I was probably sun-stoked and dehydrated. But I had to travel 1 hour north to the main railway station at Yokohama to pick up my Japan Rail Pass since I was heading to Takamatsu early the next morning. I managed to grin and bare it through the subway crowded with evening commuters and the busy travel agency packed with Obon travelers. When I finally got back to Yokotsuka, navigated the bus (stopping at Mr. Donuts to pick up my breakfast, though they don’t have my favorite matcha green tea donuts anymore…), it was all I could do to prop myself up long enough to repack my hiking bag, check the time of my train, crawl up the ladder to the loft, and collapse in an exhausted sleep.
My grand-scheme trip awaited… A final thought floated through my mind as I drifted off, “Life is good to those who are patient…”

Thursday, September 10, 2009

These Days – Japan Trip Day 0

I was listening to Beatles music this afternoon, searching for good songs to use in my class when I came across one of my most favorite songs, “All My Life”…. “The people and places I’ve known, I’ve loved them all.” I have a pair of big stereo headphones at my desk in the subject teacher’s lounge, and I leaned back in my chair and let the music wash over me, as images of the last couple weeks arise in front of my eyes…. The last couple weeks of adventure, travel, greeting old friends, the many new meetings… there have been more than a few poignant moments which pass by like burst of air carrying away a fallen leaf, threatening to drop out of notice as new day of experiences present themselves.

I catch every leaf memory and preserve them within these pages. Though my ability to quickly acclimatize to a new life seems numb to the new and differentness of life around me, I strive to notice all that occurs around me.

So… these last couple of days and weeks have full of non-stop transporting, traveling, moving, and exploring with little time to properly get my bearings of who’s who and what’s what. My last week at home was insanely busy; actually “busy” does nothing to describe the degree of pressure to accomplish and prepare and double check all which I would need. Every day there was a schedule a mile long, mostly about me worrying about my Japan trip plans. I remember there was so little I knew about what was awaiting me in Korea, there was little I could do to worry about it. So I didn’t worry :)

Japan Day 0 - Aug. 11th

The first leg of my journey with confidence amidst exhaustion; I was pretty sure of where I needed to be, though not entirely certain how I would get there with my 200 lbs of luggage.


On the flight from SF to Tokyo, I was lucky enough to make the acquaintance of a young British guy “John” who was going to teach English in Japan. We were both tired of the hours of sitting and waiting, so we stood in front of the airlock, asked the stewardess from some screwdrivers, and had ourselves an impromptu midflight cocktail party. (We tried to get a Japanese stewardess to join us but she only gave a polite smile and declined.) With John’s help, I managed to get my heavy carry-ons off the plane, wade through the trenches of immigration, and reunite with the other 100 lbs of my life-in-bags. We said our goodbyes at baggage claim and I set my jaw to face my biggest challenge: getting from the airport in Narita to my friend Veronica’s house in Yokotsuka, 3 hours from the airport. I managed fairly well… with my hiking pack strapped to my back, a rolling duffel in one hand and a large suitcase topped a duffel in the other, I huffed and puffed and with the help of station agents somehow got myself from train to train. Once I had to change trains and get my bags up a steep flight of stairs, but I simply turned to an open looking guy about my age, explained my plight and he offered to help me. (Not everyone I met was so willing to help… I had to ask 2 or 3 people before I found someone going my way).
Four hours later, I finally made it to the tiny US military base town of Yokotsuka, where DVC friends Veronica and Saori were there to greet me. I was so happy to be able to spend my first night traveling not in some hostel or hotel, nibbling on granola bars. We were all invited to Saori’s family’s house for a delicious dinner of yakiniku. To come back to Japan and feel at home in a Japanese home was more than I could have asked for.
Veronica and me just chilled and hung out with Saori and family; sitting back watching them watch TV, I had to pinch myself and really ask myself again, “Am I really back here in Japan???”
I was also so lucky Saori’s family came with their car to pick us up, as I don’t think I would have been to manage my luggage up the steep hill to Veronica’s house. A bit more heaving and ho-ing and I finally made it with everything in more or less one piece. It was all I could do to un-strap the pack from my back, crawl up the ladder to thin futon in the loft of Veronica’s studio apartment, and collapse from exhaustion. As I let sleep take me, the question rebounded in my head, “Am I really here….?”

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Claire's EPIK Soujourn: Prologue

First of all, a thank you. Thank you to all those who have supported me through the last couple years of learning experiences and hard transitions, my friends and my family. Thank you to all of you who have share a laugh with me, given me advice and helped to pick me up when I was down. I can never forget the people who have shaped my world.

I feel it fitting to recognize all those who have helped me to get to where I am now, sitting on this Tokyo and Seoul-bound plane. It would be hard to press on without the knowledge there are loving, familiar faces with good hopes for success to carry me forward.

I think not a few people have been surprised I chose to go to Korea over Japan. The reasons are complicated, but simple. The simplest reason is I applied and I was hired, and a job is a job is a job. And I prefer spicy food ;)

But the more complicated answer is the nature of the relationship with Japan. I have done a lot of soul-searching, seeking an answer to the question, “Why am I so attracted to a country so contrary to my values of frank honesty and enthusiasm?” Three years ago, I made my first journey to Japan, seeking validation for these strong feelings; I felt that I couldn’t simply love this country with out an understanding of it’s heart and an acceptance of my feelings. I see my “thing” for Japan as much deeper than an appreciation for it’s culture, language and people. I am married to Japan. It is deep inside of me, a part that can never be thrown away or denied.
But Japan and I have had our differences; when we were closest while I live there, we couldn’t always get along. Maybe it was the frustration of learning to live with myself on my own and no real fault of Japan… but either way, I have had many second thoughts about the quality of my life if I chose to go back there. I don’t really think my outgoing, quirky personality will ever be accepted or acceptable in Japan.

I think it might be better to try and tread a new path. Instead of constantly recreating whatever experiences I could have wanted in my study abroad, I can make new paths. More than anything I look forward to this fresh start. I don’t care that I don’t speak much Korean yet. I will learn. I will train and prefect my TaeKwondo form. I will travel to Southeast Asia, and see the Asian Art Museum’s contents with my own eyes.

This is the start of a new chapter in the novel I called Life (because so much of it is what you make up yourself). With head held high, and my worldy possessions on my back, I go forward.

Embark!

Friday, June 19, 2009

10 Reasons to Study Japanese as a Foreign Language


1. Japan continues to be recognized as one of the world's major players in the global arenas of economics, politics and renewable energy.



“Last year, Japan generated half of all the world's solar power, built 44% of all new solar energy equipment, and installed five time as much new solar power capacity as the U.S.” ( Business Week by The McGraw-Hill Company, September 6, 2004)

“ Broadband service here [ Japan ] is eight to 30 times as fast as in the United States -- and considerably cheaper. Japan has the world's fastest Internet connections, delivering more data at a lower cost than anywhere else, recent studies show. ” ( Washington Post Foreign Service , August 29, 2007 )


2 . Studying Japanese is a wise career-building strategy.


Many CSU alumni with a Japanese minor have been hired by well-established companies such as Sumitomo, Mitsubishi, Oppenheimer Funds, etc. because of their Japanese language ability. More and more Japanese companies are hiring non-Japanese who are fluent in the Japanese language.



3 The study of Japanese language offers unique insights into Japan 's fascinating national culture.



Studying Japanese greatly enriches the study of Japan 's national culture, which boasts a rich heritage in the fields of native craftsmanship, performance art, visual art, music, film and graphic design.


The curriculum of the Colorado State University Japanese Program with a holistic approach is designed in such a way that students at every level learn the language and culture through regular classroom instruction and hands-on culture workshops.


4. Learning Japanese helps students gain an enhanced perspective of their own language and culture.



Through studying Japanese, students have an opportunity to compare Japanese with their own language and culture. Many aspects of their own language and culture are more appreciated when students realize the differences and similarities among different cultures.



5. Studying Japanese builds brain power! Once you study Japanese, you can handle any foreign language.



This goes beyond being able to order sushi in style! Study of a challenging foreign language like Japanese fosters key analytical and critical thinking skills. Learning to write Japanese characters not only improves observation skills and dexterity but also stimulates the front cortex. For Westerners Japanese is the most difficult language among less commonly taught languages. Once you study Japanese with Chinese characters, you will learn strategies to learn other non-alphabetic foreign languages.



6. Japanese language education in the world continues to grow.



According to a survey by the Japan Foundation, in 2006 approximately three million people in 133 different countries were studying Japanese, up 26% from 2003. This number excludes those taking on-line courses.



7. Students of Japanese become eligible for opportunities to travel and/or study abroad.




Colorado State University offers a number of study abroad opportunities in Japan through Kansai Gaidai University , Yamagata University , Sophia University 's CIEE Center , and other institutions. After graduation, many CSU students apply to the Japan Exchange and Teaching Program which grants graduates the opportunity to work with local Japanese government organizations to enhance English language education in public and private junior and senior high schools all over Japan .



8. Japan is increasingly emerging as a point of origin for American pop culture as anime , manga and other Japanese cultural exports hit U.S. airwaves and store shelves.



“… Japan has made deep inroads into American culture, usually written off by the rest

of the world as aggravatingly insular. Bestselling Sony Playstation and Nintendo home video games draw heavily on Japanese anime and manga for inspiration.

So have recent Hollywood films, such as The Matrix , and television series, including director James Cameron's Dark Angel . ‘… Japanese anime-style cartoons currently fill the majority of time slots in the after-school and Saturday morning schedules on

U.S. cable television. The cartoon and video game franchise Pokémon—broadcast in 65 countries and translated into more than 30 languages—even made the cover of Time magazine…



“In cultural terms … Japan has become one of a handful of perfect globalization

nations (along with the United States ). It has succeeded not only in balancing a flexible, absorptive, crowd-pleasing, shared culture with a more private, domestic one but also in taking advantage of that balance to build an increasingly powerful global commercial force. In other words, Japan 's growing cultural presence has created a mighty engine of national cool.” (Douglas McGray, “ Japan's Gross National Cool,” Foreign Policy magazine, June 2002).



“Japanese cultural exports, i.e. revenue from royalties and sales of Japanese music, video games, anime, art, films and fashion, soared to $12.5 billion in 2002, up 300 percent from 1992.” ( Japan Now , New Year's Edition: Volume 1-2005)



9. The Colorado State University Japanese Program has a truly unique program through which native senior Japanese helpers come to CSU and help students learn Japanese in and outside of the classroom.



Since its inception in 1998, the Senior Volunteer Instructor Program has thrived, helping students of Japanese in and outside of the classroom. Having native speakers who are from Japan in class creates an authentic atmosphere and an environment that is conducive to learning. These volunteers often host CSU students in their homes when the students go to Japan .



10. A Colorado State University Japanese class is a great place to make new friends, have awesome senpai (upper-classmen) and find a community!



The Japan Club, the Ramnime club, calligraphy and origami sub-clubs and affiliation with the CSU Japanese Student Association all offer great opportunities to make new friends, explore Japanese cultural activities, participate in field trips and have fun. CSU's Japanese courses feature a highly collaborative learning environment that often sparks lasting student friendships.



“…, it is good to hear from you [Beecken-sensei] and please know that your students are all over Asia using lessons you taught us to explore the world!” CSU alumna (class of 03).

In summary, for students, studying Japanese can be an asset in the job market, a spur to personal and intellectual growth, a source of increased self-esteem, and of course an enjoyable experience. Nihongo o benkyo shimasho! (Let's study Japanese!)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

"Comics are the Marijuana of the nursery"

From Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1950s

"In 1948 John Mason Brown of the Saturday Review of Literature described comics as the "marijuana of the nursery; the bane of the bassinet; the horror of the house; the curse of kids, and a threat to the future."

My my, then I'm definitely a child-pothead and a threat to the future. I wonder if in his later years, Mr.Brown was forced to watch cartoons on TV in his nursing home? :)

Saturday, May 09, 2009

久しぶり日本語作文

Hello~! I was in my Second Home (ie the Humanities Building at school U_U;) and I perchanced to partake in a study conducted by a PhD student from Japan. I had to listen to this tape in Japanese and fill in the answers. The second part I had to watch Pengu and write a 1 page sakubun.

Just thought I'd post it so people can see how bad my writing has gotten these days, hahah.......

(probably that's not really laughing matter... (-_-;;)


ペングーという映画の話は若いペングーというペンギンである。ペンクーは家族とイグルーという家に住んでいる。あの日、ペングーはおばあさんのうちへ一人旅に行く。早い朝にペングーが、ペングーのお母さんは起きて、ペングーに歯を磨かさせた。それで、お母さんはペングーの弟を起きさせても、赤ちゃんの弟がまだまだ起きたくないから、大きくてうらさい声で泣き叫ぶんだ。赤ちゃんを静かに成らせるのために、ペンギンお母さんは赤ちゃんにか食わした。
そのあと、ペングーはトレイを使う後、キチンに入って、お父さんに朝津して、魚の朝ごはんを食べ始めた。食べるの終わったあと、ペングーは旅る準備をした。赤と白のふくに食べ物とおばあさんにプレセ-ントの荷物巣を詰めた。弟がまた涙を泣んてはじめ、ペングーは弟にハグをされて弟に元気治させた。それで、家族にバイバイして、出発した。
ところで、ペングーの旅がはじめた。でも、まだ遠い距離を歩かなくても、ペングーは知り合いを出会った。知り合いの雪バイクに登って、知り合いからペングーがおばあさんの家の近くまで連れてくれてもらった。ペンクーのおばあちゃんはペンクーの顔を見かさて、うれしそうだ。おばあさんはペングーのために美味しそうなご飯を作ってあげた。最後に、夜の遅くになったから、ペングーがおばあさんの家に泊まった。
それで、終わり。

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Universal Tapestry of Fate

I believe in the quantum mechanics’ theory of multiple realities, ie that every possibility exists until one makes a choice and selects one possibility. At that point all other possibilities become reality only in another parallel universe. This intricate web of possibilities and chances and opportunities is woven by God like an unseen spider. It is the duty of those with extra-sensory vision to reach out and feel the pattern and try to understand which way it should be woven into reality. This is the way that I see myself trying to decide what “should” happen, how the spider web tapestry of my reality, which is a part of the larger of the Universal Tapestry, should be woven in order to compliment the overall design. I am not the Creator of the Tapestry’s threads and my influence on the Universal Tapestry is currently limited, but I feel that subtle weaving of my own personal life’s Tapestry will eventually be an integral part of the over all pattern for the World Reality Tapestry.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

~Interlude~

Today's blog is very personal... And long. Read through the end, it gets good, I promise you (-_^)
Through recent reflections, I have been thinking about my future and my feelings on other careers I had previously considered, especially my feelings on the JET programme and its' participants. I think I finally have been able to voice and describe the tangled spider web of myself and my relationship to Japanese studies. DISCLOSURE: THIS IS HIGHLY PERSONAL. I read this and feel that my heart is verbalized on the page. I welcome all comments, but know this subject is VERY close to my heart.

But before the main feature....
a bit of venting (for sanity's sake)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today has been a very loooong day (surprisingly since time seems to fly by so fast.) Waking up before my alarm at 6am, volunteering at my internship site (an Japanese bilingual program at an Elementary school) from 7:30 till noon, then hauling my ass all the way across town back to school for my one class of the day (thankfully easy classwork today), and then hanging around school till 5:30 to hold a meeting for a Japanese Major Grad Ceremony/Party which no one showed up to *(-_-)**~~ Oh, I got a ticket for my car "blocking the sidewalk", a section of unfrequented pavement. F*ckn' SAW the MeterMaidMan stop in front of my car and ticket me. To make a tale short, one that involved me sprinting downstreet after him and getting him to stop by yelling "F*ckn asshole!" and a lovely but frank conversation punctured with colorful insults, I think I can get out of it by snapping a photo of my car and sending it in. Hah.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`


I've been doing a lot of thinking about what shape I want my future to take, at least for the next 5 years. I thought about this a lot this time last year, when I had thought I would already be graduating, since I was completing my fourth year of school. When I was in my Junior College and still living at home 3 years ago, my Dream had been to be an English teacher in Japan (hopefully JET), marry a Japanese man, and have bilingual kids.

No joke. This was Dream that I told myself I wanted.

My experience of living in Tokyo for a year and my lukewarm relationships to Japan through new Japanese friends who I met at my college after my year abroad killed a lot of that passion. I began to wonder, "What REALLY is Japan to me? Why is it feel so central to who I am? Why do I cling to it so much? Why do I wrap my self-identity so much with this county? Not that I care, but is this unhealthy or abnormal? Should I give up on my Japanese studies since Japan seems to have given up on me?"

(Aside thought: break-ups with my first very serious, almost-finance Japanese boyfriend and several really BAD messy rebound relationships could be partly responsible for this notion of betrayal...)

Until this point in the current Interlude Era of Limbo Era as I call the life of Now, (a time frame of the last year and a half) I have been very ambivalent about joining the JET program. I was of the opinion that participants in the program were purposeless drifters who had no life aspirations beyond creating a fantasy life in Japan. After in my one year abroad in Japan, I suffered a horrible disillusionment about the type of people who become ALTs and the kind of life the lead. I saw it as a life of debauchery, drinking, and depression, as many of the JETs feel they are not very useful in their jobs. I used to think JETs were a subclass teachers since they had NO education credentials. JET applicant’s often sub par Japanese language skills and cultural knowledge annoyed me.

Then I applied for JET out of desperation for a job and a direction in life. Over the months I waited, I became more excited. I can be in JET, but I can do things my way. Life is what you make of it, and I will do that with this job too!, I thought. I thought I would get it, that I was a shoe-in, though I never let myself get overconfident, half-expecting the opposite.

...and it came. Two week ago, a crisply polite rejection letter came in the mail.

grrrrr (>_<)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~........ Actually, I'm ok. I'm ok with it.



But I had to stop and think; why am I so judgmental about the image I perceived about the majority of JETs, with no teaching credentials and hardly any knowledge of Japan?

I realize I must be an elitist and a purist for my knowledge of Japanese. I think I hated how my knowledge of Japan came from only video games, comics, and cartoons. I think I used to think I needed to be slightly embarrassed when I admitted such a fact to Japanese friends, since only nerds and other social rejects and socially-inept types were really into such hobbies. I think I did not want to be associated with those types. I desired prestige and professionalism. I desired financial success, social success, and even more, opportunity to travel and see the world. I want real life experiences, I do not want to spend all my free hours with my arms, hands, and fingers connected to the computer like umbilical cords, dependent for an experience from anime which, in it’s essence is FANTASY. I do not want to get caught up in the fantasy world generated by many media geeks, and forget about the beauty of a sunny day in Katmandu or the cool breeze blowing of the bay in Nagasaki. I am a passionate geek for anime, manga, and video games. I am passionate about discovering authentic Japanese and other world cultures. I want to break out of the shell that I used to live in when I was in junior high, when I would not leave the house for up to a week while I played Final Fantasy.


Thus, I chose to learn a language over becoming an animator, so I could live abroad in the country of my dreams, Japan. Thus, I could learn what the REAL Japan was like. Thus I could have an advantage over the average anime fan who never pauses his Dungeon and Dragons game or World of Warcraft to get off his ass and his parent’s couch to get a degree and move to a foreign country. Thus I could have perfect Japanese skills and feel I was higher class than other students of Japanese and fans of Japan.


…this is why Japan and Japanese is so important to me. It is completely tied up with my ego. And I am fairly arrogant, at times. You are your skills. I am good at Japanese. Therefore, in essence, I AM Japanese language. I have learned in the last few years that it is not the entirety of who I am. I realized after my disillusionment of life in Japan and realization of how horribly I sucked at Japanese even after 2 years that I couldn’t depend on it to give me a complete identity. I needed to expand who I am. I need to encompass and incorporate more into me, to flesh out the bits of me, those strong-willed, opinionated, obstinate, and pushy parts that refused to be suppressed by oppressive Japanese culture. I opened my heart to explore my heritage, the inheritance that my brothers seem to have chosen to ignore. I open my heart to my Dutch and British ancestry and their people’s history. I claim my heritage to flesh out the person I consider myself to be. I open my heart to love the world and its cultures, to see the beauty in our differences and similarity in experiences.


But I will first hone my skill and knowledge of Japanese. As my mom always says “Finish what you start before you begin any other new project. And make sure you clean up after yourself when you’re done!” (That last bit usually applied to messy art projects ;-)

Monday, April 20, 2009

Warm days, cold thoughts

It is Monday late afternoon, and I am typing this reflection paper for class; balmy breezes from an unusually warm day waft through my room and send the organized chaos of stacked papers on my desk into utter disarray. I am pleasantly warm; I am cheered to be able to let a fresh wind into my cloister of a bedroom. But on the other edge of this outward calm, I feel a nagging sense of unrest. I am unsettled, for there is no time to settle. The pressure of my impending graduation is weighing upon me. Forty-one days. I counted today. Less than 4 weeks of classes. Four weeks of being an undergraduate, un-tethered and meant to experiment and live it up. I feel the pressure that will soon sit solidly upon my shoulders, the Weight of Responsibility of Adulthood and Career.

Ugh.

I wish for more time, more time, time.....

I am not afraid of the change in my life that awaits me. I merely recognize the opportunities and experiences that will soon be no longer in my grasp; they will be replaced with others, but I still lament my Adolescence as I see it pass by into the murky abyss of Memory…

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Once Upon A Saturday Night ~OR~ Friendship Over Romance

This is something that I have began to write weekly for my internship seminar class. It is called an RSDLE, or reflective self-dialogue for learning. I wanted to share this because, I want people to read my writing and tell me if it moves them. I want to learn to write well from my experience. I appreciate all comments and suggestions. Thank you and enjoy~!

___________________________________________________________________



I wait outside his front door for him. I have come to his house for the very first time. We have planned to get together and make some dinner and watch a movie. This will be the very first time he will come to my house.

The thoughts do not race, but rather leisurely jog, through my mind. I look up and admire the candy-colored orange paint of his house. His Indonesian host parents have interesting taste. It is pure San Franciscan flavor but almost resembles Disneyland.

As my mind wanders and grows slightly impatient from waiting, suddenly the door opens and I leap up in surprising, letting out a startled yell. Hand on the door, he also leaps back with a shout, closing the door with a BANG! It takes me a few seconds to recover from shock before I burst out laughing. The tears stream from my eyes and my infrequently used stomach muscles ache and it is a almost a full minute before he finally appears again, glaring with annoyance. He thinks that I have intentionally tired to frighten him but I can do nothing to explain the coincidence of both of us startling each other, as that I can barely pull myself together to contain my laughter and get off his porch.

I am still full of giggles and definitely high spirits as we get into my car and head to my house to make the dinner I have been looking forward to all week. We will be cooking Okonomoyaki, a Japanese pancake with pork and cabbage and I am really looking forward to cooking complicated Japanese cuisine. We arrive at my house and I am excited as he follows me up my front steps. I am so happy he has finally agreed to spend some time with me! How long I have wanted for him to come over! I am a surprised that I am not placing more expectations on this night like I might have one year ago… I give myself a mental pat-on-the-back and remind myself to just stay calm and cool, act natural. Besides, I already know where we stand; he has a girlfriend he loves very much and I really want friends with him. No need to make more out of this. The thoughts pace through my brain as I insert my key into my door and open it with a flourish. As he follows me in, I appreciate how his manner is polite yet un-awkwardly friendly. Such a nice guy...

Before we start cooking, he comes with me to check out my room. He admires the posters of obscure Japanese anime that I have on my wall. To my surprise he knows many of them; I did not know he was such a fan of anime. When he notices some pieces of costumes I have made, I take out my computer and we look at some of my old photos together. He seems to genuinely like my costumes, a sensitive piece of my nerdy-ness which I have long fretted about being accepted by others, especially Japanese friends. We look some of my pictures of his home island of Shikoku, Japan. I am elated to finally hear more information about the places I visited two years ago. I tell him stories of my experience of feeling ultra-foreign in that tiny, xenophobic temple-town, of the old lady at the azuki, sweet red bean, candy shop who wouldn’t stop asking me strange questions about my height. My heart is warmed with this chance share these memories which I have not yet shared with another soul.

It is getting late and we have not even started cooking yet. We head to the kitchen and begin prepping all the ingredients. As I am cutting the cabbage and he helps with slicing other veggies, I admire how he seems to know his way around the kitchen. He does not stand there, helpless, waiting to be told what to do. I recall other dinners that were intentionally attempted to be more intimate and romantic were much more awkward than this moment. A part of my heart is disappointed that he is a platonic friend.

We cook and chat, exchanging stories of our pasts. I learn he has an older sister who is going to be married in July. I am very glad that he finally trusts me enough to open up a little bit to me, and tells me of his personal life. I remember what his friend once told me, of how he is like a barricaded that constantly needs to be politely knocked upon to finally get it to open. As he tells me of his interests, I feel we have a lot more in common than I realized… he shares my taste in music and we enjoy many of the same movies. And unlike many of my other friends, his English really characteristic and well thought out, not plastic, inorganic English expressions. Though there are a few times I have to take a moment to clarify a complicated idiom or expression or correct his English, our conversation flows so smoothly.

After a delicious jointly-prepared dinner, we clear off the table and finally set up my computer for the movie. We are watching an animated Japanese kid movie, Ponyo-on-the-Cliff. I wrap myself in a blanket and settle in. I have had a few beers however, and the lack of any dramatic action or any sense of danger (it is a kid movie) makes me slowly loose attention and nod off. I try to keep myself awake by sitting up but before I know it, I’m already slumped down again. I turn on my side to find a more comfortable position.

My head is only a few inches from his shoulder. I raise my eyes, tracing his silhouetted profile. The changing scenes of the movie illuminate his face in blue then pink, then a warm golden glow. Something stirs in my gut and I have to suppress an overwhelming urge to lean on his shoulder.

“God!” shouts a voice in my brain, “Why should it have to stop here?!”

I look back into myself, and I search my heart, sifting through the conscious and subconscious desires to find my True Heart. And it speaks to me. “Do not say “We are just friends,”” it says. “Friendship is the most powerful bond. Romance can flare and fade, but friendship can withstand all trials of time and hardship. Be thankful for a friend.”

This message emanates for somewhere deep below my throat, in the back, in my core.

I know this to be Truth.

He is a friend and for that I am sincerely grateful.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

too many moments like these....

oii, ひさしぶりてす。 Much time has past since I have even open up this website.... Many things have changed for me in the time since I last wrote.... and in some ways not much has changed at all.

I've almost completed my 3rd semester at SFSU, and it's a bit bittersweet. I've been trying really hard to recreate what I used to enjoy at other schools and clubs, with results that seem somewhat mediocre. I'm minding ways to enjoy myself but it feels like I'm off-track to where I want to be....

There have been some very fun experiences this semester. I started tutoring again at San Francisco State's tutoring lab called the LAC. It's not easy work though... you really need to work pretty hard to make sure you are helping a student both in what they need and what they want. I also had to take a class to train for the job and it turned out to be a lot more work than I would have thought! I wonder why the other tutor class at DVC felt so easy...?

I also started taking Yoga class on Monday nights. The class is pretty engaging and I usually work up quite a sweat. I think I could do it as a hobby if I conveniently lived next to a studio...

Other things this semester.... I think i've tried to join at least 10 different clubs. no kidding! let's see, MECHA (mexican student club), Indian student club, various christian fellowship groups, the Japanese student association, the IEEC (international student club)....

i think i have a really hard time finding a place with people
who I really can to talk to and feel like are worth my time...



I got really frustrated once.
My coworkers invited me to a small Christmas party for thier Christian group called Intervarsity. I went but I was really turned off. It was like sitting in a Junior High class room, with all the silly kids running and yelling and jumpinng alover eachother, and several people who are preschool teachers saying "ONE TWO THREE EYES ON ME!"

I'm mean yikes, how old do they think we are? 5?

And i came back home really early like 10 pm and I felt so alone.I begain pacing up in down. grrrrRRRRaaarR! It's a thursday night and i'm at my apartment alone. and I wased my time with a stupid kids party.
I began frantically pacing up and down but stopped suddenly.
I stood under my skylight and i looked up.


Out of the pit of my stomach the raw sickening emotion rushed to the surface, and with came a yell beyond the doors of frustration to reach up to the heavens.

"WHY???!! WHY? WHY?? WHY!?!?! WHY GOD DO I END UP LIKE THIS? HUH?! You going to answer me? Tell me what I've been doing wrong? How have I jinxed myself? Why do i find myself so frequently in these situations??! Who am I to be? Who was I meant to be? What is inside me that just won't settle? Is my japanese voice within me still valid? am I being fake??? Will you just not give me some peace and direction?????! "
I yelled at God, hoping wishing craving someone, something, for any corner of the universe to answer me.

The air in my apartment rang in silence, my cries reveberating off the sparse walls.

Panting, exhausted from the overflow of emotion, I waited....
and from the depths of my mind there came my own voice.

Calm down Claire. Tomorrow is another day. Good things come to those who wait for the right chance.

I didn't really understand. But I felt like there might be something there. I think I felt a bit calmer.

The solution has yet to be reached. But I'm going to keep trying.