Memories by song

Everytime i sing this song, it reminds me of two friends: singing it for my Fumi Kasagi who's in NY now, and for Koji Koshikawa... I haven't talked to u in a while, but i hope ur well.

Cheers, enjoy the video～～!

thoughts back that press forward

These days I've been thinking about my teacher/program Mom Kasaoka-sensei... I'm sure taht she is... she is being kept very busy with this year's new students (^_^) I wonder what kind of group are at Waseda this year...? How many students are from SF State?
School must have JUST started huh... thinking about the beginnings make me go into flashback mode, haha..... funny, but at the end of my year abroad I felt like I was ready for it to be over, ready to move on and do something else, but now that I look back on the year's events, I wouldn't mind doing it over again, so long that i knew what I know now.

I still feel like it's kinda weird to be actually back here... at first, I was really bored to be just sitting around my parent's house, waiting for school to start, and then nearly in tears because after a month i forgot how fast-paced life in the city can be (>_<) but u know, I can't help comparing my new recent experiences of living on my own in SF to life back in Tokyo. I recently move out of my parent's house and into an apartment with some roommates, closer to SF State so that I don't have to commute to SF. Live on my own isn't always easy (specially when I have to worry about what's for dinner~! ahh, that was the biggest plus for living with my host mom Yumi-san, delicious dinners...) but for better or for worse, I'm really enjoying life here. I think it much easier to live and socialize in SF than in Tokyo. I don't know if that's because this is closer to home for me or whether it's a dynamic related to the cities themselves, but I feel like i can connect easier and deeper to the people I meet here.

of course, I can't be back here without missing familiar relationships... the friends I used to know have left for other places, and sometimes it can be hard to walk around a familiar place that i used to spend time with a certian person....... but as time passes, and I meet new people and can make good memories with new friends, it becomes easier.

This year won't just be a year of hanging out and parties and friends. I have to be very serious about studying because i'm almost done with my Japanese major and I'm beginning to work on a very difficult English major. So much reading to do~~~~~!!! (>_<) I'm beginning to think about what to after I graduate... should i look for work right away or do I want ot go to grad school? Where do i want to go? Japan, California? Somewhere else in the US? Or do I want to try something completely different and go to Europe? Do I have the money to go to grad school?

I can't make any decisions now, and maybe not for another year. But I want to use this year to find and consider all of my options. I want to make a better, more realistic and solid plan for myself. The thought of "just graduate and teach in Japan" doesn't satisfy me anymore. I'm on the search for something better.

How to sum-up a year in Japan? (Part 1)

Well, I've been meaning to write some sort of summary for a long time.... maybe 2 months, in fact. Often I find myself only writing when I really don't have time for it, when I should be doing other things (like right now I'm in my school's computer lab and I really should be finishing Japanese homework...). But I found this and I feel it does give a pretty actuate protrait of some the aspects of being at Waseda's SILS (School of International Liberal Studies). I just hope that I was less apathetic and more motivated that many that I had met there.

The list, taken from "You know you when to SILS if..."
-you speak a hybrid language. e.g. "i'm so fucking hungry dayo!!"
-although you technically go to school in nishi-waseda campus, you don't really go "inside" the campus that often.
-statistics is your worst enemy.
-you confuse people from other departments by using the word "sils" profusely in daily conversations.
-you often forget english is supposed to be a foreign language in japan.
-you think...no, you know 留学センターis stupid.
-you spent half your freshman year first semester in building 19's lounge.
-however, when you become older and cooler you tend to forget that you too used to spend time in 19's lounge.
-in open college classes you and your friends are the loudest... and coolest, in your opinion.
-you don't know half your friends' surnames.
-when stuck in a conversation with nothing to say, you ask people where they want to/are planning to/have gone to study abroad.
-you can't speak your mother tongue properly.
-your non-japanese friends speak better japanese than the japanese ones.
-you say hi to at least five people walking the slope between 19 and 22 for your next class.
- you meet most of your friends and professors at HUB in Takatanobaba.
- you feel cool and fab dressing up for Tanabatas and Halloween.
-you know that SILS office staff are useless.
-your decision on which course to take depends on the professors' english skills.
-you ask for chewing gum as if everyone has it everywhere.
-you wear weird clothing and freak out people in side the waseda gate, who all wear the same clothing.
-you wear scanty clothing and show lots of your skin (and fat).
-you think that bldg. 22 PC room is for sils students, therefore you feel pissed when other department people are dominating the place and there's no room for you to kill time on facebook.
- you have to think about 3 seconds and then reply when people asked, where did you come from?
- you lived in more than one country before.. and if you didn't, your friends think you should be in museum.
- your facebook wall has english and japlish eg. kyo wa tanoshikatta yo neeee. all over.
-you are out partying almost every friday.
- you said SILS all over and expect other people to understand what it stands for.

Japanese Politeness - Overstayed Farewell Party

Yesterday I went to my friend John's host family's host for a Farewell Party that they were holding from him. I remember from the first time he emailed me about it, I was really surprised that his family was willing to open their house up to complete strangers and invite us to have a party. In the US, this isn't something so surprising, but in Japan where one's private face is carefully concealed, people don't socialize in the ultra-private intimacy of each other's homes. I have only twice before been to a friends' house, once each, even though they were both living alone.

So being invited to another's house is a big deal, even more so because it was John's host mom who suggested that he invite some people over. He said he would never ask for anything like that and I wouldn't think of asking my host family either (though when I asked my host mom about it later, all she could do was say how surprised she was that I hadn't had a party. "ALLLLL the other previous students had had parties, but Claire doesn't have good friends in the CSU group and you weren't here for your birthday, so that's why." (-_-;)) Oh, and it's almost expected for you to bring some sort of gift to your host,like a bottle of wine or dessert, but I when I asked John about it, he said i didn't need to bother. But I regretted it later...

I got to John's train station relatively on time, exchanged quick introductions with John's 2 other friends Hannah and Tokano and we walked to his house. And WOW! what a house! It' a REALLY big house,western style, with a security gate and even a garden!!! They must be pretty loaded.... What kind of people does John live with?? I was expecting younger people of about late 40s to early 50s, but once we were ushered awkwardly in the door, John's host mom Satomi-san was more of an grandmotherly woman, who's aura (after a few minutes of conversation) just EXUDED traditional Japanese housewife, seemingly polite and respectful.

Takano had brought a cake for dessert, which they graciously accepted. I felt a twinge of guilt for not being a better guest(o_O) Oh well, they'll probably just blame it on the fact that I'm American anyways...

The party turned out to be a much more formal event than I would have thought, with fancy fish and German wine and beer. They sat us down at the table, laden with plates, chopsticks and many dishes. Then the interviews began.

"Where are you from? What is your major? What do you study at Waseda? How do you know John? Can you eat fish? Wow, how did you learn to use chopsticks so well? Do you live in a dorm? Why do you live with a host family? What is your host family like?" With all the questions that Satomi-san fired at me, I had the feeling that this party was not as much for John as it was an opportunity for his family to meet foreign students. She also keep talking about John right in front him, like "Well, John is always like this" and "He ALWAYS likes this". It seemed a bit awkward, but I tried my best to make it more of a conversation by asking my own questions.

As the evening wore on, the wine glass continued to be refilled. They even gave me a cup of sake and asked me a couple times to have beer. I was at least a bit buzzed, but John's 30 yr old host brother and wife were certainly outright drunk. And poor Takano, they just keep pushing beers into his hand saying "Don't be reserved! Please drink more!!" We took group photos and listen to John play the piano. Ah, I felt like a kid at my aunt's house...

So at about 11, John turns to me and asks me in English what time my last train is, and if I want to stay the night. It was raining like crazy and I thought since he was asking, that it was already OK with his host mom. But since no one else was staying, I thought it best to head back. Figuring the time of my last train from Shibuya was at 12:40, we thought to leave the house at 11:45.

At this point, no one in the family said ANYTHING about what time the last train was, nor did I think anything about if it was getting late for his host family. In fact, we were all really still just chilling, so I wasn't trying to "guess" or "feel" if Satomi-san wanted us to go, though she didn't give those hints either, since she just kept asking us if we wanted more wine or beer or cake.

When we were just about set to take our leave, Satomi-san ran up and asked us to sign a guestbook, which took a bit of time. Me, John, and Hannah set off to walk me to the station. It wasn't until I had already left the house and was on the street that I realized Takano wasn't with us... huh? John said that Takano realized that he had already missed his last train, and Satomi-san had reluctantly said "Well, i guess it be helped" and let him stay. So why don't you stay Claire? Well does your host mom mind? "Dunno, let me ask." I called my host mom, and she was cool with it.

But when he came back he had a very confused expression on his face, since she had been really reluctant, saying stuff like "Well, it's a little bit difficult, and she is a girl, so won't her host parents will worry about her she doesn't come back?" I felt instantly bad right then, like I was imposing on Satomi-san kindness. We were debating what to do as we walked to the station, only to find I had missed the last train by 1 minute... We walked to Hannah's host family house since it was close to see if I could stay there since a girl staying over wouldn't cause as much of a problem, but no one was away to ask permission from so that was a no go. Me and John ended up making out way back through the heavy rain back to his place. I waited on the porch, hearing him mom say "So how was it?" (more like "did she go home?") while he made his explanation that she didn't seem so happy to hear. But once again saying "Well it can't be helped!" I was let in.

But this time as I stepped in the door, I felt a certain change in her attitude. I was not the guest that had just left, more of a bothersome child to care for. I was nearly ordered to take off my wet clothes as John was ordered to fetch me something dry of his, just as soon as he wiped up the water that had dripped onto the floor from his soaking pants. Even after I changed, we sat around being interviewed as she waited for Takano to finish drinking another beer that she had put in his hands, even though he drank 4 cans of beer and a bottle of red wine. I really wished that she would just decide to go to bed and leave us 3 to casually chill for a bit, but she didn't show any inclination to leave us "unsupervised". Definitely in charge, she was the one that said, "Well I'm sure you're all tired so it's probably best to get to bed," sweeping us off to our separate rooms. She even woke us in the morning, making breakfast from last night's leftovers, even though I would have preferred to leave ASAP as to not impose any more on her, but to refuse a meal already prepared would seem ungrateful......

It was only once we left that we found out why she had been so reluctant to let us stay: Her eldest son was coming in the morning, and she needed us gone so she could prepare the next big feast and also so he wouldn't know that there had been a party he didn't know about. He lives a bit far away and had NOT been invited to the party the night before since he would have had to stay, which would have been a trouble for her, since she would have to care for him the whole next day.

Sheesh!! What kind of family does this to their kids?! What kind of person doesn't make it politely yet obviously clear when it's time to leave??

...a Japanese one.


I just wonder if I am at fault for not "knowing" when to go home, or she should have made it clear that she was going to be busy the next day and couldn't afford any overnight guests.

Krisy Kreme Krazy Japan!

2 hour wait for a Krisy Kreme... would you believe it?! It's possible here in Tokyo, where anything from America can become more popular, faster and consumerism has been elevated to the extreme. What's more unbelievable is that waiting in a line to buy donuts has become a dating activity, almost comparable to waiting in line together for rides at Disneyland (O_o) And not only are they waiting a hell of a lot longer, but they are willing to spend much more money on them too, since on average everyone was walking out of that shop carrying a box or two of 2 dozen donuts, which cost about $20 each. Krispy Kreme must really be making a killing here.....

Tokyo Itself is A Lost Connection

I was on my way to school Monday, when I received a message from my teacher that all classes at Waseda had been suddenly canceled until May 29th because of the recent measles outbreaks in Tokyo. My first thought was to run the travel agency and see if there were any flights available to exotic places that other students had gone to over spring break but I hadn't gotten a chance to yet. Rather than travel alone, I found 2 friends who were willing to spend the money to go. Since most cheap tour packages that include flight and hotel were booked, we decided to go from June 1-4 to Bali (^___^) According to my aunt, it's a honeymoon destination, so I'm really looking forward to it.

The only thing is, in the mean time what's to do?? I feel like I've toured too much of Tokyo and Japan already.... and it's getting wayyyy to hot to sit at home... So I was looking for apartments in SF for next semester on craigslist. I was doing that today too, but eventually got bored and started looking at other parts of craigslist, when I found this post under Tokyo>>Lost Connections:

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"The City of Tokyo is itself a Missed Connection...

This is the conclusion I've roughly arrived at after spending what I thought was a sufficient amount of time there. But it wasn't enough time. Or more precisely, different rules seemed to apply to time. There were apparitions of faces in endless crowds. So many faces, but none that lit up in recognition just for me. Who knew me, or even wanted to know me.

It hit me one night on the Hibiya line. Last train. A man and a woman who had no connection other than a shared train seat. They had both fallen asleep and their heads and shoulders were leaning in toward each other with a kind of unconscious intimacy. Could it be that they had found in sleep what we could not in waking? But Borges had already spoken about that, hadn't he?: "...Que mientras dormimos aquí, estamos despiertos en otro lado y que así cada hombre es dos hombres." ("While we sleep here, we are awake elsewhere, and thus every man is two men.")

What's more, an advertisement above them read, in strangely happy red lettering, "Decide who you love best by November 31st." I stared at that sign for a long time. Like it was some oracle, some talisman, some harbinger of an alternate future. Why this arbitrary deadline? But I decided that sign was written just for me and so I wanted to comply with its order. But I couldn't. Or wouldn't. In any case, I didn't. And in this way, I lost you.

Do you remember the night we sat up smoking on your balcony, looking at the clouds moving in over the city, tracking the blinking lights and the trains snaking through the punctutated darkness toward who-knows-where? We decided the city had grown up enough to take care of itself. That if we all died tomorrow most of what we saw--the neon, the factories, the trains, the great modern pyramids of office building architecture--would go on. They do not need us. They might have at some point in the past, but no longer.

I have a letter from you from long ago. I saved it because it contains the most beautiful and most heart-rending line anyone has ever written to me. You wrote, "The time we spent together was wonderful, and I felt very close to you for a moment."

I missed you. I lost you forever to this city."

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wow, i so know how this person feels...i have always said that Tokyo is the Lonely City of Lost Souls, but this person explained so eloquently. I meet so many people everyday, but I feel like I lost my connection to them too quickly, or it never has any real chance to form... Even now as I have been sitting around my house or gone out somewhere by myself, I don't feel that strong connection to many of the people I know here in Tokyo.

...a few months after I came here, I felt like I lost my "light", the 明るさ of my personality... I don't know if I ever got it back, but I know I've been able to fight the against the darkness that threaten to swallow me.

who ever you are, I hope you can recover what this City has taken from you...

I want my Social Butterfly wings back....

Hey yah (^_^) sorry for the prolonged blog silence. My reasons, well 1. I was travelling 2. I was busy travelling and 3. I was out experiencing life so that I would have something to write about.

see, great reasons (^_^)

so this isn't really the blog i wanted to post to tell what's been happening, but I'll do. It's actually a letter to friend Gene-chan so that's why there are a lot of "you"s. Enjoy~! (@^_^@)

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but yah after I left Cali for Japan and my mom came with me, I was taking her everywhere and didn't have much a chance to sit down and type. Oh and I was a blithering idiot and lost my cell phone on a train the day before we were leaving Tokyo to go to Kyoto (>.<) not only did I have to pay like $70 to get a new one, I lost all my contacts, my pictures, and some rare-ish anime keitai straps ( DOUBLE >..<) It was like winter's unforgiving hand was trying to put the choke-hold on spring and yelling "I'm not gone yet, dammit!!"
hehe....

but yah, Kyoto was really beautiful.... it's kind of what you expected Japan to be. maybe most people visit only Tokyo and Kyoto and they come away with the impression that all of Japan is like that.... but anyways, I don't know if you remember going to Kyoto, but my favorite was Kiyomizu dera. (google it) It's a really HUGE temple that is built on a hillside and offers great views of Kyoto. all the sakura were in bloom when i went too, so it was really special.

well, school started last week (so i've had a total of 2 weeks of school now.... weird huh? Cali's schools are almost done and I just started!) and it took all that time to get my damn schedule figured out. I had to go sit in on a lot of classes to find out which ones were crap and which were worth it. A lot of the japanese teachers have such strong accents or unnatural ways of speaking you may as well be taking thier class in Japanese (-_-;) But i decided to take Applied Lingustics(of english), Women Writers in Japanese literature (in English translation. oh, and my teacher's Gaye. no, no joke, her name is Gaye Rowley) and a slew of Japanese classes. I didn't work really hard at my japanese last semester so i want to try better this time around.

but even as i'm just getting started here, i'm painfully aware of how little time I have left, like 4 months. wow, that 2 month spring vacation went REALLY fast... I have to start thinking about going back now too.... apartments, class reg back at SFSU, and any last minute travel arrangements (I may go to Hokkaido right after school finishes on July 26th and before i have to go back on the first week of August)............................
i just was wondering..... i wonder this is too early to be leaving? I went home to recover and re-center myself, but I wonder if that has let to my eyes becoming stuck in that direction rather than the present life I have now...?
also I have a lot of stuff i want to complete like searching online for an event to cosplay my Menos Grande costume, writing my blog, begin writing the book based on my Life in Japan ...
but..........

i'm too hooked on playing Zelda: Twlight Princess. I'm not kidding you , even me sitting down at my computer and commiting myself to replying to you has taken serious amount of effort!! i find myself coming home from school and turn in my Wii thinking i'll only play 1 hour but somehow that 1 hour turns into 4! and then a go to bed at 1am or 2 and wake up at maybe 9 then next morning to work on some homework before classes and again I find myself thinking "i wonder if i can get this done if i'll have time to play...."

I made plans to eat dinner with a friend on friday and i almost wanted to cancel so that i could go home and play Zelda because my host dad had been using the TV every night this week.

i must be addicted (@_@) just put some z's instead of @ symbols and that makes a good emotocon of my current condition.............

Anyways, even of my ranting for now... It's time to play more Zelda! I swear, i will finish this game if it's not the last thing i do!

Cheers~!
Claire

Okinawa Pictures

This is really late, but I thought i'd post some pictures of my trip to Okinawa.


This is a souviener shop in Naha, Okinawa's main city. It's along this road called Kokusai Dori (International street) that packed with these shops. You can tell that the main business in Okinawa is tourism...



"Yes, I am the Queen and this is my Castle..."

...yah right, i wish (U_U)
anyway, this is Shiri Castle, the main castle of three in Okinawa. This is where the last king of the Ryukyu Kingdom (the name of Okinawa when it was an independent country before it was conquered and annexed by mainland Japan) resided, ruled his subjects, and where ceremonies are still preformed today.


It's... soo.... BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! I can't believe how beautiful the ocean was, the sand, the sky, everything.... if this is heaven, i'm going to die wearing a swimsuit (^_^)

Guessing Meaning

I got up this morning and was putting on my contacts, and one-by-one the other members of my host family were slowly rising too. I said good morning to them as they went upstairs to the kitchen (the bedrooms in my house are on the 1st floor and the kitchen and family room are on the second). As usual, I was wondering what my host mom Yumi-san was thinking to do about breakfast.

I'm not used to someone always making breakfast for me. My own mother will occasionally ask what I want to do about breakfast (if I wake up the same time she does on weekends) but usually I make if for myself if I'm hungry.

My host mom seem to have different thoughts upon the subject but it's not always clear what she intends or what she wants to do, because she doesn't always explain in a way that is clear to me. When I have class in the morning, sometimes she would make it for me but often food that I would prefer to eat for lunch, not breakfast... (i like sweet foods in the early morning). Or by the time I finished eating, I would be late. But after a while she said that she is sometimes busy in the mornings so she would buy cereal or toast for me to make for myself. "Alright, fine for me," I thought. "At least I don't have to worry about inconveniencing her by having her worry if she needs to make breakfast for me or not. On weekends, I'd wake up, grab something to eat or make tea, and get on skype to talk to mom or my boyfriend.

So this morning, after my usual morning wake-up routine (comb hair, contacts, wash face), I thought that maybe today too, I would make it for myself. I turned on the computer to check my email and mixi first, when I heard the sound of the vacuum cleaner. "Oh shit, if I go up stairs now, they're gonna make me clean!!" was my first thought (I have a horrible adversity to household chores.) So I waited until it seemed safe to go up. But as I began to make myself a bowl of cereal, my host mom exclaimed "Oh! I thought I would make you pancakes and we would make them together! Hitoshi-san (my host father) and I were waiting for you but when you didn't come up, we started cleaning." I appologized and said I hadn't realized that and I would put the cereal back in the box. But she went on to complain that I was the one who said I wanted to learn to cook and we should cook together, but I ALWAYS only come home for dinner when it's already cooked or I'm in my room until it's done; I don't help her make it. It is the Japanese way, she said, to know when to inhale and exhale in harmony with others. In other words, you have to unconsciously know another's wants and expectations. I had thought that she enjoys making the food by herself and when she wants help she will ask for it. But it seems that she feels that she doesn't need to express herself more than once. "I've told you before, haven't I?!" she said.

She did go on to make pancakes (for me and her, I thought) and okonomiyaki (she said it was for her husband and father, since they don't like pancakes). But when she asked me if I'd eat some, and I tried it and said it was good (I always too, as a compliment) she remarked, "Well, great! Now I don't have to make you pancakes in the morning!" Oh, you were only making them for my sake? "Yes, I was."

...?

I've been of two minds recently, thinking of how lucky I was that I could be so independent and go out when I wanted to and return when I wanted to, but at the same time wishing I that they felt more like my family. Yumi-san had said before at the beginning of the year to not hesitate to eat with my friends (or so I thought) because it is important to make good friends and spend more time with them then at home. So I guessed that I wasn't to rely on them to much companionship. But with this recent complain that "Oh, all the previous girl host students ALWAYS came back early and immediately came upstairs to help me cook!" I' m guess that she wants to have me an obedient daughter who helps her mom and always unconsciously knows when her mom needs help.

It's hard for me to define our relationship, because I don't really feel like her daughter nor do I feel like her equal in a friendship. Sometimes I've felt like a boarder, wondering if it's ok to drink any of the milk or use this or that. When I don't understand what she wants and I ask, I sometimes get this look from her like "You didn't KNOW already??!?" I am aware that it's a Japanese custom to not express opinions to often to avoid selfishness, but when you don't communication your feelings it's very hard to understand each other sometimes.

At least know that I'm beginning to establish myself here and I can feel some of the warming comfort of friendship, I think I can afford the time to involve myself more with my family and understand Yumi-san. She may not be my type of person, but for the sake of familiar harmony, I'm willing to try.

A quick update

Hello, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a long while, I just didn't feel like sitting for a long amount of to type this blog, since I've already spent too much time planning my mom's trip to Japan.

Yes, that's right my mom is coming to Japan. The adventures (and likely some misadventures) are sure to be a story to tell.

Till then, there have been a lot things going on which i plan to write of later, but I'll tell you for now that I'm leaving to go to Okinawa for 4 days. Yay, beach!!!

Now, off to pack and sleep for a couple hours ^_^ You can look forward to beautiful Okinawa pictures~!

Lazy....

Hello~Happy New Years! It's been a while hasn't it? I was traveling over Christmas break and when I got back, somehow didn't get around to writing about it yet... and I think of doing it now but.... somehow, I have this really strong desire to forget the world for a few more days, and just play lots of video games. Or make some cosplay project. Or sleep. I should study or in someway do SOMETHING to make an effort towards improving my Japanese skill... does reading Japanese-language manga count? ^_^
I just wonder if I was always so lazy or if since coming here I'm wasting more time... I've to spend my Monday, Wednesday and Sunday mornings on Skype talking to my boyfriend and sometimes my mom... THAT's not a waste of time, but now that it's Wednesday again and I get up early deciding not to sleep my time away and- after breakfast, I'm back in the bed for another hour.
What should I be doing?? What do I need to do? If I only could make up my mind, I would do that. I don't want to waste this precious time that I had dreamed about, prepared for, and spent so much money on.

...............what to do, what to do, what to do, what to do...........................................