oii, ひさしぶりてす。 Much time has past since I have even open up this website.... Many things have changed for me in the time since I last wrote.... and in some ways not much has changed at all.
I've almost completed my 3rd semester at SFSU, and it's a bit bittersweet. I've been trying really hard to recreate what I used to enjoy at other schools and clubs, with results that seem somewhat mediocre. I'm minding ways to enjoy myself but it feels like I'm off-track to where I want to be....
There have been some very fun experiences this semester. I started tutoring again at San Francisco State's tutoring lab called the LAC. It's not easy work though... you really need to work pretty hard to make sure you are helping a student both in what they need and what they want. I also had to take a class to train for the job and it turned out to be a lot more work than I would have thought! I wonder why the other tutor class at DVC felt so easy...?
I also started taking Yoga class on Monday nights. The class is pretty engaging and I usually work up quite a sweat. I think I could do it as a hobby if I conveniently lived next to a studio...
Other things this semester.... I think i've tried to join at least 10 different clubs. no kidding! let's see, MECHA (mexican student club), Indian student club, various christian fellowship groups, the Japanese student association, the IEEC (international student club)....
i think i have a really hard time finding a place with people
who I really can to talk to and feel like are worth my time...
I got really frustrated once.
My coworkers invited me to a small Christmas party for thier Christian group called Intervarsity. I went but I was really turned off. It was like sitting in a Junior High class room, with all the silly kids running and yelling and jumpinng alover eachother, and several people who are preschool teachers saying "ONE TWO THREE EYES ON ME!"
I'm mean yikes, how old do they think we are? 5?
And i came back home really early like 10 pm and I felt so alone.I begain pacing up in down. grrrrRRRRaaarR! It's a thursday night and i'm at my apartment alone. and I wased my time with a stupid kids party.
I began frantically pacing up and down but stopped suddenly.
I stood under my skylight and i looked up.
Out of the pit of my stomach the raw sickening emotion rushed to the surface, and with came a yell beyond the doors of frustration to reach up to the heavens.
"WHY???!! WHY? WHY?? WHY!?!?! WHY GOD DO I END UP LIKE THIS? HUH?! You going to answer me? Tell me what I've been doing wrong? How have I jinxed myself? Why do i find myself so frequently in these situations??! Who am I to be? Who was I meant to be? What is inside me that just won't settle? Is my japanese voice within me still valid? am I being fake??? Will you just not give me some peace and direction?????! "
I yelled at God, hoping wishing craving someone, something, for any corner of the universe to answer me.
The air in my apartment rang in silence, my cries reveberating off the sparse walls.
Panting, exhausted from the overflow of emotion, I waited....
and from the depths of my mind there came my own voice.
Calm down Claire. Tomorrow is another day. Good things come to those who wait for the right chance.
I didn't really understand. But I felt like there might be something there. I think I felt a bit calmer.
The solution has yet to be reached. But I'm going to keep trying.
