I got up this morning and was putting on my contacts, and one-by-one the other members of my host family were slowly rising too. I said good morning to them as they went upstairs to the kitchen (the bedrooms in my house are on the 1st floor and the kitchen and family room are on the second). As usual, I was wondering what my host mom Yumi-san was thinking to do about breakfast.
I'm not used to someone always making breakfast for me. My own mother will occasionally ask what I want to do about breakfast (if I wake up the same time she does on weekends) but usually I make if for myself if I'm hungry.
My host mom seem to have different thoughts upon the subject but it's not always clear what she intends or what she wants to do, because she doesn't always explain in a way that is clear to me. When I have class in the morning, sometimes she would make it for me but often food that I would prefer to eat for lunch, not breakfast... (i like sweet foods in the early morning). Or by the time I finished eating, I would be late. But after a while she said that she is sometimes busy in the mornings so she would buy cereal or toast for me to make for myself. "Alright, fine for me," I thought. "At least I don't have to worry about inconveniencing her by having her worry if she needs to make breakfast for me or not. On weekends, I'd wake up, grab something to eat or make tea, and get on skype to talk to mom or my boyfriend.
So this morning, after my usual morning wake-up routine (comb hair, contacts, wash face), I thought that maybe today too, I would make it for myself. I turned on the computer to check my email and mixi first, when I heard the sound of the vacuum cleaner. "Oh shit, if I go up stairs now, they're gonna make me clean!!" was my first thought (I have a horrible adversity to household chores.) So I waited until it seemed safe to go up. But as I began to make myself a bowl of cereal, my host mom exclaimed "Oh! I thought I would make you pancakes and we would make them together! Hitoshi-san (my host father) and I were waiting for you but when you didn't come up, we started cleaning." I appologized and said I hadn't realized that and I would put the cereal back in the box. But she went on to complain that I was the one who said I wanted to learn to cook and we should cook together, but I ALWAYS only come home for dinner when it's already cooked or I'm in my room until it's done; I don't help her make it. It is the Japanese way, she said, to know when to inhale and exhale in harmony with others. In other words, you have to unconsciously know another's wants and expectations. I had thought that she enjoys making the food by herself and when she wants help she will ask for it. But it seems that she feels that she doesn't need to express herself more than once. "I've told you before, haven't I?!" she said.
She did go on to make pancakes (for me and her, I thought) and okonomiyaki (she said it was for her husband and father, since they don't like pancakes). But when she asked me if I'd eat some, and I tried it and said it was good (I always too, as a compliment) she remarked, "Well, great! Now I don't have to make you pancakes in the morning!" Oh, you were only making them for my sake? "Yes, I was."
...?
I've been of two minds recently, thinking of how lucky I was that I could be so independent and go out when I wanted to and return when I wanted to, but at the same time wishing I that they felt more like my family. Yumi-san had said before at the beginning of the year to not hesitate to eat with my friends (or so I thought) because it is important to make good friends and spend more time with them then at home. So I guessed that I wasn't to rely on them to much companionship. But with this recent complain that "Oh, all the previous girl host students ALWAYS came back early and immediately came upstairs to help me cook!" I' m guess that she wants to have me an obedient daughter who helps her mom and always unconsciously knows when her mom needs help.
It's hard for me to define our relationship, because I don't really feel like her daughter nor do I feel like her equal in a friendship. Sometimes I've felt like a boarder, wondering if it's ok to drink any of the milk or use this or that. When I don't understand what she wants and I ask, I sometimes get this look from her like "You didn't KNOW already??!?" I am aware that it's a Japanese custom to not express opinions to often to avoid selfishness, but when you don't communication your feelings it's very hard to understand each other sometimes.
At least know that I'm beginning to establish myself here and I can feel some of the warming comfort of friendship, I think I can afford the time to involve myself more with my family and understand Yumi-san. She may not be my type of person, but for the sake of familiar harmony, I'm willing to try.
"Yes, I am the Queen and this is my Castle..."
