Calm Before the Storm

     These last 2 weeks have been pretty awesome. Despite the fact that I was near broke because I hadn't received my first pay check yet, there was still a lot of frugal good times to be had in expensive Seoul.
     First of all, please excuse the previous blog post. Some readers were confused, but actually these days Donghee and I get along quite well. We've joined the Korean couple trend and placed a locket on the fence around Seoul Tower - and he threw away the key~  I occasionally climb up Namsan (more of a hill than a "mountain") to check on it :)

Scenically placed, it reads "Claire and Donghee: Soul Entwined" 

     About two weeks ago, Korea also celebrated it's version of Thanksgiving, known as "Chuseok." For most Koreans, this holiday is marked with traveling to visit extended family, getting stuck in horrible, 9 hours-for-100 km traffic jams, and stuffing your face with delicious food. When most people around you are talking about meeting family, or other English teachers are flying off for tropical adventures, it can make poor, broke Claire a tad homesick and angsty... but I never let life do that to me (>u<)

     I prefer sitting on my couch than the on the highway, so I took 2 out of 3 and threw a party at my house. Dear friends are my surrogate family, and they kindly covered the cost of food ingredients. I was much happier to fill my belly with Jason's hearty chili and my family's nostalgic recipe for cranberry apple oatmeal crumble instead of kimchi pancakes or songpyeon (white-bean filled rice cakes). Donghee even snuck out of his filial obligations to join the festivities. Another friend Adrian brought some creative card games that helped to change up the usual flow of parties.  All in all, it was an enjoyable evening.

Girl in the plastic bubble! Seriously, it's harder than it looks to stand up

     This past weekend was also eventfully busy but interesting. Summer and Winter must have signed a temporary seize-fire agreement and given administrative weather control over to Autumn since it hasn't rained in over 3 weeks and the days are clear, dry, bright, and warm- perfect for picnics. A few weeks ago, I feel like I didn't have a broad, concrete social base in Korea (good friends keep leaving and moving away...) so I decided to join more meetup.com groups again.  This time was Lost in Seoul group picnic in the spacious and forested Children's Grand Park. Chris came, everyone shared their food, and rode the midget roller coaster. It was a good time.

My awesome Arirang Taekwondo Club - I just got my red belt~! Black belt in December~!!! Fighting~!!

   
Despite all these good times, I am anxious... tomorrow is the day that I will get the result of my interview for the job in Kobe, Japan.  This job is the best opportunity to work in Japan earning a comfortable salary for few teaching hours in an area of Japan I want to live.  However, I'm not sure if I'll be ready to leave Seoul and Korea... if I get the job, I'll have 4 months to prepare but I still sense many things yet completed- annual events and festivals to attend, mountains to climb, cosplays to complete, tkdo skills to improve... I feel like my life is like the roller coaster I rode on Saturday.  I'm painfully, slowly creeping up the apex of accomplishment. But as I climb higher, I can see there is a loop-de-loop just up ahead. The anxiety builds- will I be able to hold on to my precious skills/memories/relationships?  Or will they go flying out of my hands in the overturning chaos of change? I'm prepared for the answer of "no, you didn't get the job"- that would almost be more reasurring. At least I wouldn't have to worry or fear about losing something. But wasn't it in the Alchemist this kind of situation was described?? People work so hard to achieve their dream and just before it comes true, they abandon it because they are afraid of the transformative change it will ignite?
God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Amen.

Boys and boyfriends

Oct. 2010 - a goodbye dinner for Lukas with Chris

If you get married, do you have to stop seeing your guy friends?  This is a question I've pondered on many an occasion, specially since arriving in Korea.  I'm an open, independent person who grew up as a tomboy between two brothers.  I always felt like I got along better with guys than women, probably because of my interests in video games, so I've naturally gravitated towards making friends with guys. Even though I had a boyfriend, spending time with my many guy friends has never been an issue. 


When I moved to Seoul, I noticed something a bit different about the relationships between men and women; with the exception of  young children or close relatives, adult Korean men and women hardly ever mingle socially.  Girls and women tend to form closer friendships with other women.  (Korean women can often be seen walking around  hand-in-hand or arms-linked.) Even if a women has a close, childhood guy friend, she will rarely meet him after she marries and would NEVER meet him unaccompanied.  


From books I've read and conversations with Korean friends and co-workers, I've learned that unlike other Asian countries, Korea is significantly influenced by Confucianism. "Confucians taught that a virtuous woman was supposed to uphold “three subordinations”: be subordinate to her father before marriage, to her husband after marriage, and to her son after her husband died." (Wikipedia) It seems that Confucians also supported separation of the sexes - separate housing for female and male servants at the royal palaces, separate school facilities, and the general formation of friendships.  


I've seen this trend among my young Korean friends.  I frequently to go on hiking trips through meetup.com, but my boyfriend Donghee rarely has the time/money to come with me. When I've met Korean guys on the trips, they often exclaim, "Oh, why isn't your boyfriend with you?"  Does this mean Koreans have an expectation that a guy should always accompany his girl or she should spend all her free-time with him?


I enjoy a large social network comprised of men, women, guys and gays. I enjoy the uncommon diversity of people. I want to enjoy my life's most significant relationship along with my friendships, ideally allowing them to merge. I would feel suffocated if I confined my socializing to only one or two people. I want to share my friends with my boyfriend, and I want him to share his friends with me.  I believe sharing our friends can add depth to our relationship. But to Donghee and other Korean friends I've asked, people usually don't introduce their girlfriend or boyfriend to casual acquaintances.  One time I called him and asked "Who are you hanging out with?" and he's nonchalantly replied, "Oh, it's all people you don't know."  I asked, "So, why don't you introduce me to them next time so I can know them?" He told me, "Why should you know them? There isn't any real reason for them to know you..."  Does anyone really need a reason to be introduced to another person?


There is also the issue of spending time with other men, even if you have a boyfriend. As I said before, I never really considered this an "issue" until my first Korean ex-boyfriend (another guy before I met Donghee) expressed displeasure when I spent time with other guys one-on-one without him.  Well, to me they were good friends, not dating possibilities.  I began to think that Korean men can get easily jealous and possessive... 


When I started dating Donghee, I was careful to explain to him that I've always had a lot of guy friends and even one of my best friends in Korea is a guy (shout out to you Chris :) Donghee is a somewhat traditional-thinking but relatively easy-going guy, so it didn't seem to be an issue.  


However... since last week, many people Donghee knows (like his college friends, his internet friends, and even his boss at his part-time job) started telling him that it's not "proper" for me to be hanging out with other guys with out him.  He called me to talk about this and I was annoyed at their statements' lack of logic and highly surprised at Donghee's sudden tendency to agree. Besides, who are they to comment on our relationship??? 


I extended this topic to the conversation I had tonight during a sidewalk BBQ with my downstairs neighbors, a middle aged Korean couple . (They like me because I eat kimchi and try to speak Korean. A REASON TO TRY TO LEARN KOREAN, all you long-term ex-pats!!!! >:D ) They have a daughter who is about my age, and she's already married with a 9-month old baby. I asked them how would they feel if their daughter started meeting other guys for something like language exchange, how would they feel?  The father replied that he would warn his daughter to be cautious or even dissuade her from meeting him.  He agreed, it's specially not "proper" for a married women to maintain close friendships with another guy.


To me, friendship is gender-blind. There is no reason why men and women can't have platonic relationships with each other. Problems only arise if one person's spouse lacks trust in the other and becomes jealous or suspicious. 


...Am I naive to think in this way?  


Thanks for reading this long post. Comments are GREATLY appreciated.