Last Saturday I joined a regular meet up with a social club Climbing in Korea for a trip down to Taebak Mountain area for the widely publicized snow festival. Though the city sponsored event was depressingly below expectations (all the snow had melted and refrozen into treacherous ice, they charged fees for attractions on top of an entrance fee, it was more crowded than a Tokyo subway at rush hour), I did get to meet and talk with some new people. If you're a hardworking Korean with an average 10 hour work day and 6 day work week (and no overtime pay), an active social life is difficult to create and maintain. Rather than meet your friends for dinner and drinks every day after work like many Seoulites, I prefer hiking and sports groups as a way to break away for the stuffy, boxy office buildings and remember what nature looks like.
On the Saturday trip to Taebak Mountain, I ended up talking to my neighbor John on the bus, a forty-somethings British guy teaching business English at an academy offered by the British Council. Unlike the average “Native Speaking English Teacher” in Korea, (a fresh grad with almost no life experience, a resident of North America, tall, white, fair skin and eyes because Korean employers prefer a “foreign” non-Asian appearance), John is a former high school teacher and very knowledgeable about literature. Not since I finished my Intro to Science Fiction class and graduated in May, I haven't had an intelligent conversation about literature. Most Koreans don't read storybooks to study English; they memorize grammar rules and word lists to prepare for SAT, TOIEC, and a shitload of English aptitude tests. They judge their achievement by test scores, which rarely ever accurately measure their communicative ability. Competition for educations and jobs is fierce in Korea, and tests scores are unfortunately highly valued for measuring aptitude for everything.
I chatted on and off with John my bus buddy about our favorite books and the different required texts for UK and USA. They read a lot of Shakespeare 1984 but not A Brave New World, Lord of the Flies, or Catcher in the Rye. I talk a bit to my neighbors to the left and behind me too. The conservative seeming guy in his 30s named Kim Sihyung turned out to have one of the most interesting job descriptions I've heard to date: Crash Test Technician for Hyundai Motors. Wow... I mean, wow..... how cool is that?? I asked him if he likes to drive. He replied he dreads to drive in Seoul, a city famous for it's reckless drivers.
I'd introduced myself to Chong Hee, a 20ish Korean girl sitting behind me on the bus, but our conversation had been shorter than a matchstick with a spark which seemed to die as quickly. But near the end of the bus ride on the return trip home, she was collecting contact info from Sihyung and others in the rip and she asked for mine as well. I reluctantly replied that I'd give it to here if she was actually going to contact me someday. Though I knew it would be rude I wanted to be honest so I told her this truth of mine. I've had too many people, Koreans and Japanese, who want to “make a foreigner friend” to practice English, ie use me for free English lessons with a flimsy promise of language exchange. She was a little taken aback by my rather harsh response, but she promise to contact me so we ended up exchanging phone numbers.
When I asked Chong-Hee where she lived I was in for a shock; turns out she lives in the apartment complex adjacent to my school, Moondeok Elementary – the same school she used to attend as an elementary student 10 years ago!!! Talk about coincidences! The chance connection was enough to convince me she was someone worth knowing.
Fast forward to Thursday; I responded to a polite mail from Chong-Hee had sent (Hello, it was nice to met! Let's keep touch!!) and met her for coffee after work. What do you know, our was of connection grew exponentially! She chose to study medicine so she could easily get a green card and go to the US, a lot like more own mother. She studied abroad in SoCal and has visited SF and Tokyo. She even studying English at the same language school where I'm studying Korea!
More important for me, she turned out to be a really strong willed and actively engaging person, though characteristically polite by defering to give me a direct opinion on any topic.
Most remarkable moment in hanging out was the chance to offer insight in the difficulties of cultural miscommunications and their affect on developing relations between Asians and Westerners.. Chong-Hee told me it was difficult to become close with forienger friends because they often never replied to her mails. It's a common practice in Korea (and Japan) after meeting or spending time together with a friend to send a polite mail to thank them for the good time. I told her many Americans would read that mail and say “Oh that's nice, but what does she want from me...?” Without a clear plan to meet or a reason to meet each other, the initial connection dies fast. Koreans and Japanese almost always offer a name or business card as a polite formality of self-introductions.
Also interesting was a moment when my boyfriend Gi-Hyun called me while I was talking to Chong-Hee. We talked for a bit and he asked to speak to my new friend. When I hung up, I asked her what he'd said. “He asked me to take care of you.” This was very strange to my ears at first and I responded with annoyance. Take care...?? I'm an adult, why should anyone take care of me? But I remembered this is Asia and co-dependence upon each other, mutual interdependence, is key to developing close relationships. If you always do everything on you own, without following the group, you can never be close to anyone in Korea.
I explained these conflicts of American values of self-reliance and individualism against Korean values of interdepence and collectivism to Chong-Hee she was throughly shocked. She'd lived in the US for a year, but she said she felt now she didn't know America at all, vowing to studying American culture.
No, I replied. Dont study it, Korean style. Don't buy a book and memorize a list of facts and dates. Live it, experience it, know it, and you'll LEARN and KNOW.
