Boys and boyfriends

Oct. 2010 - a goodbye dinner for Lukas with Chris

If you get married, do you have to stop seeing your guy friends?  This is a question I've pondered on many an occasion, specially since arriving in Korea.  I'm an open, independent person who grew up as a tomboy between two brothers.  I always felt like I got along better with guys than women, probably because of my interests in video games, so I've naturally gravitated towards making friends with guys. Even though I had a boyfriend, spending time with my many guy friends has never been an issue. 


When I moved to Seoul, I noticed something a bit different about the relationships between men and women; with the exception of  young children or close relatives, adult Korean men and women hardly ever mingle socially.  Girls and women tend to form closer friendships with other women.  (Korean women can often be seen walking around  hand-in-hand or arms-linked.) Even if a women has a close, childhood guy friend, she will rarely meet him after she marries and would NEVER meet him unaccompanied.  


From books I've read and conversations with Korean friends and co-workers, I've learned that unlike other Asian countries, Korea is significantly influenced by Confucianism. "Confucians taught that a virtuous woman was supposed to uphold “three subordinations”: be subordinate to her father before marriage, to her husband after marriage, and to her son after her husband died." (Wikipedia) It seems that Confucians also supported separation of the sexes - separate housing for female and male servants at the royal palaces, separate school facilities, and the general formation of friendships.  


I've seen this trend among my young Korean friends.  I frequently to go on hiking trips through meetup.com, but my boyfriend Donghee rarely has the time/money to come with me. When I've met Korean guys on the trips, they often exclaim, "Oh, why isn't your boyfriend with you?"  Does this mean Koreans have an expectation that a guy should always accompany his girl or she should spend all her free-time with him?


I enjoy a large social network comprised of men, women, guys and gays. I enjoy the uncommon diversity of people. I want to enjoy my life's most significant relationship along with my friendships, ideally allowing them to merge. I would feel suffocated if I confined my socializing to only one or two people. I want to share my friends with my boyfriend, and I want him to share his friends with me.  I believe sharing our friends can add depth to our relationship. But to Donghee and other Korean friends I've asked, people usually don't introduce their girlfriend or boyfriend to casual acquaintances.  One time I called him and asked "Who are you hanging out with?" and he's nonchalantly replied, "Oh, it's all people you don't know."  I asked, "So, why don't you introduce me to them next time so I can know them?" He told me, "Why should you know them? There isn't any real reason for them to know you..."  Does anyone really need a reason to be introduced to another person?


There is also the issue of spending time with other men, even if you have a boyfriend. As I said before, I never really considered this an "issue" until my first Korean ex-boyfriend (another guy before I met Donghee) expressed displeasure when I spent time with other guys one-on-one without him.  Well, to me they were good friends, not dating possibilities.  I began to think that Korean men can get easily jealous and possessive... 


When I started dating Donghee, I was careful to explain to him that I've always had a lot of guy friends and even one of my best friends in Korea is a guy (shout out to you Chris :) Donghee is a somewhat traditional-thinking but relatively easy-going guy, so it didn't seem to be an issue.  


However... since last week, many people Donghee knows (like his college friends, his internet friends, and even his boss at his part-time job) started telling him that it's not "proper" for me to be hanging out with other guys with out him.  He called me to talk about this and I was annoyed at their statements' lack of logic and highly surprised at Donghee's sudden tendency to agree. Besides, who are they to comment on our relationship??? 


I extended this topic to the conversation I had tonight during a sidewalk BBQ with my downstairs neighbors, a middle aged Korean couple . (They like me because I eat kimchi and try to speak Korean. A REASON TO TRY TO LEARN KOREAN, all you long-term ex-pats!!!! >:D ) They have a daughter who is about my age, and she's already married with a 9-month old baby. I asked them how would they feel if their daughter started meeting other guys for something like language exchange, how would they feel?  The father replied that he would warn his daughter to be cautious or even dissuade her from meeting him.  He agreed, it's specially not "proper" for a married women to maintain close friendships with another guy.


To me, friendship is gender-blind. There is no reason why men and women can't have platonic relationships with each other. Problems only arise if one person's spouse lacks trust in the other and becomes jealous or suspicious. 


...Am I naive to think in this way?  


Thanks for reading this long post. Comments are GREATLY appreciated.